To be realy put out by this from a friend?

[50mg]

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity.

Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks.

I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans?

Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?

FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

TBF I think some DILs might say "we invited MIL but she CBA to come" and hold the grudge for quite a while, but I don't think that's the senario here.

“But being unable to be flexible or adapt and roll with it when other people’s plans change… that is a fast track to not being included. Those are the difficult old people and we all know them.”

I don’t know any.
What a load of crap. We don’t have to accept being ditched for a better offer because we’re getting on a bit. What has old people got to do with this? Being treated like an expendable option hurts whether you’re 20 or 80. Or is it once you get past a certain age you’re ‘difficult’?
Get in the sea.

Yes and presumably these oh so laid back people that take wonderful friends are allowed to treat their friends in the same way? As seen here, for the majority, that's not the way to keep friends.

What is the event? I don't get why it is secret?

Because I've spent all day moaning about my friend and it would be very identifying? 😆

I hope she is no longer a friend.
Who does that

It is a shitty thing to do and I would be disappointed.
What do you want to happen next?
Can you accept this or is this the beginning of the end for your friendship?

There are a lot of people that would put family before friends. Perhaps she is one of them?

Blood is thicker than water, as they say.

Blood is thicker than water. 🙄

That old cliché.

I wouldn't be happy in your shoes. Doing what you say you are going to do is part of being trustworthy. I don't care how lacking in self awareness someone is, I'm not putting up with such rudeness. People who treat my time as valueless can go and do something else and leave me to spend my time with people who do value it and me. Basic manners.

One of my many bug bears is this saying 😂as it actually means exactly the opposite!!

"Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood."

It's a line from a country and western song.

This is ridiculously OTT. Why should the citizens be lacking in self-awareness? Or untrustworthy? She had a diary conflict and cancelled with two weeks notice.

I’m not putting up with such rudeness - well what are you going to do about it: make the friend go along with you even though you know she feels she should be somewhere else?! She isn’t actually obliged to spend time with you. It’s just pompous and unrealistic. We all have to cancel things sometimes.

@50mg You are being ridiculously precious about a diary clash you’ve been given advance notice of another event your friend has to attend. You have been indulged on this thread, the it's rude brigade have chipped in, buoying up your dented ego. In reality most people would prioritise family event over a friendship social event, and to be fair you’ve been given notice.

Decent people honor their commitments even if it involves personal inconvenience.

If the friend's 30 year old son doesn't comprehend that, he was poorly reared. Another reason this friend should be binned.

Keep us posted, OP.

And in real life one is not enacting a dramarana about a diary clash,two adults can accommodate a change of plans without handwringing and what about me, it’s rude, and you’d think proclamations. A friend would be disappointed but accept it. Real life isn’t a game of first dibs, it is more a case of negotiation and I’d understand why the friend is choosing the family do. Op is being hard work over a relatively inconsequential event

Honestly I’m SO glad I’m not part of a family where you can’t say “sorry I’ve already made plans” because people might get in a snit.

YANBU OP.

No it doesn’t. That’s just something the internet made up over the last few years.

Its called being polite keeping to plans. The friend shouldnt have committed if it wasnt her thing. Op was this a full day thing. Could she have gone to party later on?

I can kind of see how the fact that nothing has been officially booked and paid for does make it harder to say no to big family plans, to be honest. I would think if she'd paid for e.g. theatre tickets it would have been more of a dilemma.

But even if you do, you don't usually suggest an activity months in advance, and then cancel at two weeks' notice, when the OP may have (as was indeed the case) already turned down other activities. Presumably the friend knew from the start when her DIL's birthday was, and, if this was going to trump everything else, should not have made other plans for that time.

I don't think that the friend has committed the crime of the century, or that, assuming it's a one-off, the OP should automatically dump her or send snarky messages. But it was nevertheless unreliable and inconsiderate.

I'd be a bit miffed in all honesty especially as it's not DIL day of birth.
If it were my MIL and she'd already had plans I'd arrange a meal out with just family on the actual day/evening...or even a belated meal then everyone gets to do their thing.

Just let her drift. My best friend has just got married after being long term single. I expected to be sidelined, as you do, but she’s dropped me like a stone since meeting her DH, even canned things like my birthday dinner (normally, for the past 30 years, we take one another out for our birthdays but now it’s three postponements and counting). I haven’t fallen out with her, despite feeling hurt, I’ve just concentrated on my own DH, family and other friends instead and let her get on with it. Her loss!

That's really rubbish! Is she a bit scared of upsetting her family? I know some family members do the old emotional blackmail,so toxic. She had already made plans!! Families can be so stiffling. I'd never expect anyone to change their original plans for me.

My bil had a big birthday but we had arranged to meet old friends was planned a while (all the same night). I wasnt going to re shuffle dates just gets messy. But not nice if you let down op