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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be realy put out by this from a friend?

207 replies

50mg · 23/07/2022 12:50

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity.

Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks.

I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans?

Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?

FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

OP posts:
Hippee · 23/07/2022 14:19

I was invited to my cousin's wedding after I had arranged to spend that weekend with a friend from abroad. I had to decline the wedding, of course. If you have a prior arrangement, it would have to be something extremely major to prompt a cancellation.

EinsteinaGogo · 23/07/2022 14:23

OP, if she's saying 'I guess XYZ won't happen either' , it's very reasonable to say something like 'I know, that's why I'm even more disappointed that you're bailing on X ☹️'.

To be open though, I'm not honest like this with my friends. I guess I don't do truth and don't like it either!

If I had to cancel a planned event for something dubious and I was pulled up on it, it would put me off the friend.

I really prefer an environment of light level politeness!

Festoonlights · 23/07/2022 14:24

I think she went cold on the idea and then the perfect excuse came up…YANBU

billy1966 · 23/07/2022 14:27

I think you have every right to be disappointed and I think it is very reasonable to calmly text that back.

It does change friendships because she is unreliable.

Parents tell their children all the time that they can't do something because they have another commitment.

I have plans this evening and have told them all to make sure they are sorted for lifts etc., as we are not around.

It is rude to back out of something just because of another invitation, even a son's 30th.

Somethingneedstochange · 23/07/2022 14:30

YANBU Your friend could have said well I have plans for that evening. But she should also know family members birthdays and could have asked her son what they had planned and planned the event around it.

If your on Facebook ask on there see if anyone would like to go in her place. You can alter your settings so only people you would like to be in your company will see it.

diddl · 23/07/2022 14:34

Are they really close?

Will DIL be devastated that her MIL isn't there?

SpindleInTheWind · 23/07/2022 14:42

It's rubbish, isn't it? It means that you can never make firm plans with them again if you will always be deprioritised at an adult DP's request for their presence at a social event.

So yes, it's disappointing (and I would tell her that much) and alters the friendship quite a bit.

Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 14:45

diddl · 23/07/2022 14:34

Are they really close?

Will DIL be devastated that her MIL isn't there?

I don't think DIL will care personally, it's more not saying no to son and maybe how it "looks" not to attend

OP posts:
Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 14:46

SpindleInTheWind · 23/07/2022 14:42

It's rubbish, isn't it? It means that you can never make firm plans with them again if you will always be deprioritised at an adult DP's request for their presence at a social event.

So yes, it's disappointing (and I would tell her that much) and alters the friendship quite a bit.

This is how I feel. I'll get over this one, but theres no point make plans anymore.

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 23/07/2022 14:47

YANBU. I had a long weekend (Friday to Monday) to Amsterdam booked some 33/34 years ago, with a 'friend' and I had paid for it - £99 each in the late 1980s! So like £319 each now. I paid up front some 9 weeks before the trip, and she owed me the money that I had paid for her trip in addition to my own.

She promised to pay me week after week after week and never did. The week before, she said she would pay me on the day we went. The day BEFORE we were due to go she bailed. I was livid. She never paid me, and I couldn't find anyone else to go with at such short notice, so I went alone. Cost me £638 (in today's money) for 3.5 days in Amsterdam - alone. Nice. Hmm

Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 14:48

billy1966 · 23/07/2022 14:27

I think you have every right to be disappointed and I think it is very reasonable to calmly text that back.

It does change friendships because she is unreliable.

Parents tell their children all the time that they can't do something because they have another commitment.

I have plans this evening and have told them all to make sure they are sorted for lifts etc., as we are not around.

It is rude to back out of something just because of another invitation, even a son's 30th.

It's not son's birthday, it's his wife. I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder to refuse?

OP posts:
Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 14:49

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 23/07/2022 14:47

YANBU. I had a long weekend (Friday to Monday) to Amsterdam booked some 33/34 years ago, with a 'friend' and I had paid for it - £99 each in the late 1980s! So like £319 each now. I paid up front some 9 weeks before the trip, and she owed me the money that I had paid for her trip in addition to my own.

She promised to pay me week after week after week and never did. The week before, she said she would pay me on the day we went. The day BEFORE we were due to go she bailed. I was livid. She never paid me, and I couldn't find anyone else to go with at such short notice, so I went alone. Cost me £638 (in today's money) for 3.5 days in Amsterdam - alone. Nice. Hmm

What's the friendship been like since?

OP posts:
Mary46 · 23/07/2022 14:49

Ah disappointing op. Yes agree with another post keep it polite. I wouldnt depend on her going forward. I had this flaky behaviour from friends past few years.. it def put me off booking things now

Cantstandbullshit · 23/07/2022 14:50

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 23/07/2022 13:02

Sadly the fact is she'd rather go to the party than the event with you. At least now you know how little she values going with you.

Show quote history

Really, do you think your friends value you over their children? Your entitlement is ridiculous.

Yes it’s annoying that she cancelled but it’s what it is. To start making statements such as she has shown she values her son over you her friend is ridiculous and childish. What if it is a big party with all family members etc, you still think she should place you her friend over all her family?

KosherDill · 23/07/2022 14:51

I'd not make plans again with her. Clearly you are very low on her pecking order. What she's doing to you is rude and thoughtless. DIL wouldn't be devastated and she could take her to dinner another time.

I've withdrawn from some people for the same reason. Tired of being the expendable one.

Have fun at your event anyway. Good luck.

JustLyra · 23/07/2022 14:51

I think that’s one of those ones that would be tricky for her to miss.

Her DIL’a 30th is likely something that has either been organised for ages and her DS forgot to tell her, or should have been organised for ages and her DS is only just pulling his finger out. Either way missing it could be really awkward because of questions asked.

Not saying she’s right to pull out, but it could be a tricky one depending on situations and relationships.

KosherDill · 23/07/2022 14:53

Hippee · 23/07/2022 14:19

I was invited to my cousin's wedding after I had arranged to spend that weekend with a friend from abroad. I had to decline the wedding, of course. If you have a prior arrangement, it would have to be something extremely major to prompt a cancellation.

Exactly. A death in the family, not a young adult birthday.

PinaColadaSunset · 23/07/2022 14:53

If people have let me down in the past I think twice about arranging anything with them in the future (unless I don’t care either way about it and there is no financial cost).

I’d respond in a very neutral way, “Thanks for letting me know” and leave it at that.

Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 14:54

Cantstandbullshit · 23/07/2022 14:50

Really, do you think your friends value you over their children? Your entitlement is ridiculous.

Yes it’s annoying that she cancelled but it’s what it is. To start making statements such as she has shown she values her son over you her friend is ridiculous and childish. What if it is a big party with all family members etc, you still think she should place you her friend over all her family?

Show quote history

I don't think it's about who's valued most (although obviously it is here) but the fact that plans were already made.

In a straight choice of course you have to go to DILs birthday and refuse the friend, but when you've already committed with a friend and son hasn't yet made any firm plans, except mentioned a date?

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 23/07/2022 14:54

@PutinIsAWarCriminal just because you’re a bit clingy with your son, there’s no need to start laying into the OP.

It’s her DIL’s birthday. It’s not a major event in the grand scheme of things. She already had long-held plans with the OP.

RobertsRadio · 23/07/2022 14:55

It's extremely bad manners to let down a friend like this when the arrangements were made months ago. She should simply have said to her son and DIL "sorry, I already have a long standing arrangement with my friend for that evening, so won't be able to come to the party". Two weeks is very short notice. Aren't parents of adult DC supposed to have their own social life?

Of course it's entirely possible she just fancies the birthday knees-up instead of the event and the travelling involved, but that doesn't excuse her letting you down.

PinaColadaSunset · 23/07/2022 14:55

Missing DiL’s 30th birthday which has only just been arranged is not a big deal. Depending on who is attending she probably wouldn’t even be missed!

HowdyDudey · 23/07/2022 14:56

Flakiness does my absolute nut in. I was talking to my husband just today about how I’ve recently been let down twice in one week by the same group of people and how it’s perhaps because I expect too much from people to behave in a way I would (ie not let them down if firm plans have been made)

I really feel for you and hope you still manage to go.

dudsville · 23/07/2022 14:56

It wouldn't make any difference to me it being and inlaw, "family" is defined by each of us. But I woud be annoyed, and I was wonder, is your friend is a marytr by any chance?

Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 14:57

dudsville · 23/07/2022 14:56

It wouldn't make any difference to me it being and inlaw, "family" is defined by each of us. But I woud be annoyed, and I was wonder, is your friend is a marytr by any chance?

Yes, there probably is an element of that.

OP posts: