To be realy put out by this from a friend?

[50mg]

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity.

Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks.

I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans?

Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?

FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

Many people would. Most people like and get on with their family.

just because hating the in laws is the done thing on here doesn’t actually make it the norm.

Agree @JustLyra my mil is a really nice lady, happy to see her socially,formally & informally . Of course I’d invite her to my birthday she’s part of the family after
all

My mum would be horrified at your friend's actions, but then she was the total opposite. If she'd agreed to something she'd go whatever else came up.

Sounds all good and moral except.... There was one place she'd really wanted to visit from childhood. At 70+ it was a case of now or never, so although it was a stretch I offered to take her. It was very expensive but I found one week at the best time of year for her (not too hot) that was substantially cheaper than others nearby. With 8 months notice I asked if she was free then. She had to check it was not over the weekend her friend had her coffee morning, as if it was she couldn't come with me as she'd promised she'd help out. A free week's holiday on hold for a two hour coffee morning! She was not vital by any means (she didn't bake for it) and the friend in question would have been horrified!

But in your case your friend is completely in the wrong. I hope you enjoy the event regardless.

I don’t think you have to hate your in laws to think that birthdays are something you’d rather spend with friends that family? I guess if you’re having a big party you can invite both, but like I said before surely any rational human would accept that some people - even their beloved MIL - might have prior plans and can’t come! Being expected to drop everything for a family event or kicking off if a family member doesn’t do this is not a healthy and pleasant dynamic imo.

Maybe she needs/is expected/obligated to help he son organise this birthday party, I would be irritated but get over an isolated occasion. If it became thematic then I would distance myself.

It's a bit annoying that she's cancelled on you to attend her DIL's party, but your reaction here is way over the top.

Given that she was the one who wanted to do the 'niche activity' in the first place, she presumably had a pretty compelling reason for feeling unable to say no to her son. Personally, I would have no issue saying 'Sorry, son, I've got something pre-arranged that day that I can't cancel - but hope DIL has a fantastic evening and have a drink for us!' but perhaps the dynamic just isn't like that in her family.

This also annoys me. I am a very "early" organiser of things / events and its not out of my character to invite folk for say an event in October back in February. The usual answer is "well I don't know what I will be doing in October". My answer is "well if you want to go, then put it in your diary and then you will know what you are doing and will stop you double-booking" - what I would like to add "unless you get a better offer" but I never do. :)