To be realy put out by this from a friend?

[50mg]

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity.

Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks.

I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans?

Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?

FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

What a rude and snotty post!

Of course she can say no to her son? Who are these maniac family members that cause drama if someone says no to an invitation because they’re already busy? If that’s the dynamic in some families then people would be better off distancing themselves from it and focusing on their friends anyway.

Of course she can say no to her son. But that may have ramifications that would be very problematic, depending on family dynamics. Cancelling on her poor friend may seem like the lesser of two evils to her.

It would be nice if she would explain that to the OP, but she have difficulty articulating it or feel uncomfortable sharing it right now.

OP, maybe look at the big picture of the friendship....has she been there for you at other times?

(So competitive sheep shearing then)

You're not being unreasonable to be annoyed but your friend is in a bit of a sticky position! I imagine she doesn't want to cancel you but probably feels like she has to go to DIL birthday for the sake of family relations!
totally this, very tough call, your friend loses out either way but sorry op

You're not being unreasonable to be annoyed but your friend is in a bit of a sticky position! I imagine she doesn't want to cancel you but probably feels like she has to go to DIL birthday for the sake of family relations!

totally this, very tough call, your friend loses out either way but sorry op

I did see sheep shearing once. That wasn't free, it was £££££ 😆

It's very rude of her. SHE wanted to go to the event, you had long starting plans to go. Two weeks notice for a 30th birthday, either they changed their mind & decided to invite her, or firgot to invite her. I seriously doubt it was arranged at such short notice and whichever if those it was I doubt her DIL would be surprised she already had plans & would be that upset if she couldn't go.

it's not whether friends or family are 'the most important' it's that you don't cancel on someone for something non urgent!

@50mg what is the event? I'd be surprised if none of your friends are happy to go with you just for the company/something to do, even if it wouldn't be their first choice of an event.

or you could ask the people you turned down if they're still free on that date. It's a little awkward, but true friends will understand.

or maybe if you go alone you'll actually meet more people, have more fun?! I prefer to do most things alone as I only have myself to please & I meet people I wouldn't if I was with someone else.

Truth be told, I'm not that bothered about the event, as I said it wasn't my plan.

I would have really liked to go to both the things I turned down though!! I saw one of the people this morning, she's made completely different plans now and the other event is sold out.

whenever you make plans with someone, you’re allowed to cancel. She wasn’t bound by a contract to see you. You weren’t bound by a contract to see her either.

she cancelled because she probably didn’t want to go to your event that badly or if she did, she would prefer to attend the 30th if it’s at the same time. It’s shit but it’s life.

it’s your choice whether you want to hold this against her or rethink the friendship or not

you said that you had other plans that you cancelled, why don’t you see if you can still attend those? Or at least ask someone if they’d go to your niche event with you…they might say yes even if it’s not their hobby as it would be nice to spend time together and do something different😊

This. She would just rather go to the family party. Tell her you are upset and then if you want to still be friends, let it go

@premiumwine

she cancelled because she probably didn’t want to go to your event that badly or if she did, she would prefer to attend the 30th if it’s at the same time. It’s shit but it’s life.

Did you actually read any of the OP's posts? The friend wanted to go, and the OP was not that fussed. The OP is pissed off because of the fact that she turned down a couple of other offers of things to do, to accompany this friend to the event SHE wanted to go to. And now 'friend' has bailed, and the OP could have gone to these other things, but now it's too late, as the ship has sailed.

Also, even if the OP HAD wanted to go more, if said friend did not want to go 'that badly' why the F did she not say as soon as OP mentioned it?!

You want your friend to decline her family event and prioritise your activity. Evidently,That’s not going to happen. Be reasonable imagine the pressure and fall out from Not attending family event, it’ll be seen as unreasonable to not attend. Yes I’m aware she could tell the son and DIL she has a pre planned event, however it’ll still be problematic. The DIL birthday will include immediate and extended family. YABU to think she should prioritise you

I'd be annoyed.

However I know that for some people, existing social plans will always be cancelled in favour of any family need or want. I understand that they are prioritising the people who will be more important in their lives in the long run, but then I don't make plans with them.

Yes hard when family events. I dont know op would def put me off doing things again with her. Do people not get more notice for family events

These are the women who end up very lonely in older age - I suspect that if she had of been very apologetic and acknowledged to the op that she was letting her down but that she felt she has to go to the daughter in laws party the op actually would have accepted that.

but it sounds like the friend hasn’t even bothered to acknowledge that.

I'm stunned that anyone thinks two weeks is ample notice!!

I’d be pissed off. A friend of mine got into the habit of cancelling our plans at short notice, so I told her it wasn’t acceptable to me, it’s poor behaviour to cancel plans just because something else comes along. Short of someone having a sudden illness or death, there’s very few reasons to legitimately cancel. I didn’t make plans with my friend for a while. When we started seeing one another again, she turned up early for once. We did talk it out, and are still friends, 50years now.

Of course your friend can say no to her son, family doesn’t come first if it’s not vital, and you want to honour a commitment to someone you’ve longstanding plans with. She either doesn’t want to go to the thing with you and the party is what she sees as a good excuse, or she wants to go with you, but won’t say no to her son. Either way, give yourself time to get over the disappointment, and then talk to her. You’ll soon know if she’s a friend you want to work things out with.

Bluntly, the friend has prioritised her DIL and son - the friend is not likely to end up without people who care about her.

But being unable to be flexible or adapt and roll with it when other people’s plans change… that is a fast track to not being included. Those are the difficult old people and we all know them.

The posters saying that the OP should let the friend know/take umbrage/be righteous/not arrange any more events are doing the OP no favours. Life is busy and plans change and cheerfulness in the face of change is a very positive quality.

I think I'd just say I don't you want to make future plans at the moment and if she asks why tell her you feel you could be let down again.

I think it's a weak excuse. If it were a big party she'd have been informed a long time ago. Dropping out because of a little get together is taking the piss.

I think k if it's been planned for months then she should honour her arrangements with you. I've had friends do this to me it really pissed me off. You don't make arrangements with someone then go back o them to do so something else.

Obviously emergencies exempted

Why would it be problematic? Seriously, any family member who’d hold it against me that I had a pre planned event and didn’t drop everything to go to a family thing wouldn’t be someone I’d be making much effort to stay in touch with. Surely most normal, rational adults understand that sometimes people - including family members - are already busy and can’t go to things?

@PersonaNonGarter I don’t think the daughter in law and son are going to be spending much of their thirties hanging out with the ops friend on Saturday nights…

Well, quite. Frankly if my partner planned me a birthday party that was a garden gathering with his parents invited I’d be pretty disappointed and wonder why he hadn’t planned a night out with my friends instead. But then I don’t come from one of those bizarre eastenders type families where everything has to be about “faaaaaamily” at all costs

I’d be really annoyed. I’ve drummed into my children that once they’ve accepted an invitation, it’s extremely rude to cancel in the case of a better offer-you honour your commitments. Are they totally unassertive? I would have just told my son that I had commitments that night but would be delighted to see them on another date to celebrate. Surely he must realise that 2 weeks notice isn’t enough and many people will have other commitments-so can’t really be that important a party as it’s so impromptu.

OP you're not in the wrong to feel peeved off. Honestly these Women (mainly) are such martyrs.

Personally I would not plan anything with her again. She really doesn't need to be at a 30th party, she's choosing it over you.

Oh no.. my mother in law isn't at my party, how will I enjoy myself.....said no one ever.