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AIBU to want dd to learn to drive?

213 replies

Flamingoose · 19/07/2022 21:04

Dd is now old enough to learn to drive.

I mentioned getting her a provisional licence and a few lessons, putting her on the family car insurance etc, and she was not keen at all. I agree that learning to drive isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it's just something you do, isn't it?

I got the forms and have been reminding dd that we ought to get going with it. She is now pushing back more than I realised. She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive. Her reasons are: Only old people think cars and driving are important. Her generation won't drive. She intends only ever to live in big cities anyway. Her aunty doesn't drive so not everyone has to drive.

I realise I definitely was unreasonable to push blithely onward with this and not acknowledge her genuine objections. No debate about that. I've apologised and we've had a good chat.

BUT... I still think you just have to learn to drive. Who knows what life has in store - being able to drive is non-negotiable. I do have friends and relatives who can't / won't drive and it's a pain. Genuine question: AIBU? I'm starting to doubt myself.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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ApolloandDaphne · 19/07/2022 21:06

You can't force her. I didn't bother learning until I was 21. Leave her be and she can learn when she wants to.

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SuperlativeOxymoron · 19/07/2022 21:08

It's not a requirement. I learnt to drive as soon as I was old enough because my school was miles from home and I wanted to be able to not rely on public transport. But I've got friends (late 20s) who don't drive and manage just fine.

Does she expect you to ferry her about or is she perfectly capable of getting herself from A to B using public transport/walking or biking?

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luxxlisbon · 19/07/2022 21:09

being able to drive is non-negotiable.

Why though? This is a very narrow viewpoint.

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XenoBitch · 19/07/2022 21:10

YABU. You can't force her.
I didn't learn to drive until I was 30. Never had any interest before then. You need to be interested to engage in the lessons and have a hope of passing your tests.

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Flamingoose · 19/07/2022 21:13

Yes, I do a lot of dropping her at work / picking her up / dropping her at friends etc. There are buses but she's not very keen on using them because we're in the suburbs and it's often a 2-bus trip rather than 1. E.g. today she finishes work late morning and I can't pick her up so rather than bus or walk home (40 mins) she's going to wait at a friend's until I finish work and come and get her. Her brother (younger) gets buses or bikes or walks everywhere.

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PurpleFadesToGreen · 19/07/2022 21:14

I'd get the provisional and then leave her be.
It's handy for ID.

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InChocolateWeTrust · 19/07/2022 21:15

Stop driving her anywhere. If she really doesnt want to drive that's fine but she's old enough to get where she needs to go under her own steam, whether by learning to drive or by using public transport.

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Flamingoose · 19/07/2022 21:15

luxxlisbon · 19/07/2022 21:09

being able to drive is non-negotiable.

Why though? This is a very narrow viewpoint.

In case there's an emergency.
So you don't always rely on others.
To widen your options.
Work reasons.
Ferrying kids around.

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Ylvamoon · 19/07/2022 21:15

You can't force her. It will cost you a fortune in lessons.
I would just say, that you are prepared to pay towards the driving licence now but in the future, you might just not be willing/ able to do so.
As l9ng as she understands the impact of this, I would leave her to it.

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SaintVal · 19/07/2022 21:16

I do find it hard to understand why anyone wouldn't want to learn because I was counting down the days until my 17th so I could start lessons! I loved the independence it gave me. My godson, however, is just like your daughter - has no interest in at all. I suppose everyone is different.

I lived in a London for 14 years and actually sold my car at that point as didn't need it so your DD has a valid point there. But personally I would feel very restricted if I couldn't drive. Maybe she will change her mind when she gets a bit older.

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Sparklingbrook · 19/07/2022 21:16

IMO it's so much easier to do it when you're 17 if you possibly can, instead of learning because you have to with a deadline later on. But you can't make someone do it if they don't want to.
I got my licence at 17 as did my DC, I encouraged them to do it before they left for Uni etc because the time was right.

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APurpleSquirrel · 19/07/2022 21:16

Why would she learn to drive & incite the stress & expense (of owning a car) when she has the Mum Taxi to take her everywhere?
She's perfectly within her rights to not want to learn to drive; but not to expect to be driven everywhere.
Sounds like she needs a dose of reality - if she needs to get from A to B, doesn't want to learn to drive, she's going to have to suck up using public transport &/or walking.

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OooErr · 19/07/2022 21:17

Just stop driving her anywhere.
You’ll waste your £££ if she’s not motivated.
And using her own money will motivate her anyway.

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Flamingmentalcats · 19/07/2022 21:17

I was made to learn to drive when younger and I disliked every minute. Yes it's a good life skill to have but I never wanted to learn and now I don't drive. Don't push her into doing something she doesn't want to do at the moment. You could always put money aside for her so it's there if she changes her mind later. That is of course if you are paying for her lessons

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OooErr · 19/07/2022 21:17

Also do you currently live in a city???

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Flamingoose · 19/07/2022 21:19

Sparkling - completely agree. Just get it done now when she has time / someone offering to pay.
Plus - we genuinely may not be able to afford it further down the line of she changes her mind.

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Siameasy · 19/07/2022 21:19

She doesn’t want to drive and doesn’t approve but it’s essential for others to.
t
This seems to be the latest thing with immature brains.
How will all their online deliveries get to them.

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daisypond · 19/07/2022 21:19

If you are having to drive her around, then maybe she needs to learn. I live in a city and my adult DC can’t drive, but public transport is so plentiful there’s no need. One has said she’d like to learn, though, now - she’s in her early 20s. We don’t even have a car ourselves. There’s no need for us.

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SaintVal · 19/07/2022 21:19

I should add I learned to drive in 1988! I think it's a lot harder now (theory and test) and the insurance prices are through the roof!

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Myneighboursnorlax · 19/07/2022 21:20

I didn’t want to learn to drive as a teenager. My parents told me that was fine, but not to expect any lifts anywhere. I quickly changed my mind once I realised they meant it.

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FirstFallopians · 19/07/2022 21:20

Well she has no real motivation to learn if you act as her chauffeur, does she?

Its absolutely a valid choice if you choose not to drive, but that comes with the responsibility of sorting other means of transport, not just relying on someone else who has chosen to learn!

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Ginfilledcats · 19/07/2022 21:21

Leave her too it, I bet all her friends will start learning then she’ll want to.
id let you know you shan’t be ferrying her around once she CAN drive if she chooses not to!

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SavoirFlair · 19/07/2022 21:23

i learned to drive in my late 20s. I lived in global cities before then, and it was only upon starting a family that I use my driving licence.

OP YABU because your tone of voice makes it sound like an essential life skill. She is right - you sound like the old people she speaks of - fixated on cars as a source of “freedom”. I own a car now but I don’t see it as the only default life choice.

However, if you’re adamant and unwavering about her driving, then make her take the bus for non essential trips. And let’s see what’s what after that.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2022 21:23

InChocolateWeTrust · 19/07/2022 21:15

Stop driving her anywhere. If she really doesnt want to drive that's fine but she's old enough to get where she needs to go under her own steam, whether by learning to drive or by using public transport.

This. Of course she's not learning when MumCab is always there.

She needs to have the courage of her convictions. Bus up!

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Readinginthesun · 19/07/2022 21:24

I have a friend who has always refused to learn to drive . No medical reason , she freely admits she likes being driven around plus she can always have a drink and not have to take a turn driving !

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