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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want dd to learn to drive?

213 replies

Flamingoose · 19/07/2022 21:04

Dd is now old enough to learn to drive.

I mentioned getting her a provisional licence and a few lessons, putting her on the family car insurance etc, and she was not keen at all. I agree that learning to drive isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it's just something you do, isn't it?

I got the forms and have been reminding dd that we ought to get going with it. She is now pushing back more than I realised. She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive. Her reasons are: Only old people think cars and driving are important. Her generation won't drive. She intends only ever to live in big cities anyway. Her aunty doesn't drive so not everyone has to drive.

I realise I definitely was unreasonable to push blithely onward with this and not acknowledge her genuine objections. No debate about that. I've apologised and we've had a good chat.

BUT... I still think you just have to learn to drive. Who knows what life has in store - being able to drive is non-negotiable. I do have friends and relatives who can't / won't drive and it's a pain. Genuine question: AIBU? I'm starting to doubt myself.

OP posts:

HavfrueDenizKisi · 19/07/2022 21:24

I'm with you in that learning at 17 or 18 is so so much easier than trying when you are older.

Yes you don't have to learn to drive but it is a skill that gives you more options and can make daily life easier. I do have some friends who don't drive and are in their late 40s. Live in london though so it isn't as essential as living more rurally. I look at them and think what a pain not to drive it's sooo much easier. They are perfectly happy as they are though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That said if your DD isn't keen on taking buses and relies on you or friends for a pick up, I'd strongly suggest you become less available. While the choice to not drive is ok, expecting ferrying around by other is not.

daisypond · 19/07/2022 21:24

Yes, my DC grew up without a car -as we’ve never had one. If you’re relying on parents to ferry you around by car, maybe you should learn. It’s very expensive to learn and be insured, so she’s lucky you’re offering to pay -if you are.

SavoirFlair · 19/07/2022 21:25

Also I find it so funny how some British folk act incredibly prickly when it comes to “non drivers” as if they’re a species of CF just waiting to ask you for a lift

I spent 2 years in New York, 3 in Singapore, and same again in Hong Kong, and I didn’t ask anyone for lifts.

not everyone’s experience is that of a town two and a half miles out from shops and train station with a poor bus service

CalistoNoSolo · 19/07/2022 21:25

I would stop giving her lifts. Bit cheeky of her to wait for lifts from you at a friend's house too.

Whatwouldscullydo · 19/07/2022 21:26

Driving isn't the be all and end all. My family badgered me onto learning to drive in my 30s. Always banging on about the time id save etc

Truth is I'm.not home from school runs any earlier than I was on the buses. Amd the only difference is I couldn't mn on my mobile whilst stuck in traffic like I could do on the bus.

I was very capable of getting anywhere I needed to be on time and by public transport. And my work is walking distance .

Its also bloody terrifying driving and its not something that comes easy to everyone. So I'm sympathetic with her reluctance tbh. And don t think she should be pushed.

However. She needs to deal with the consequences of that decision and start getting her arse to work on the buses/trains.

Kanaloa · 19/07/2022 21:26

She doesn’t want to at the moment. If she does need to drive for future opportunities then she can learn then. You learn a lot better when you want to rather than when somebody else is trying to force you.

You don’t need to drive her around everywhere though. If she doesn’t want to drive and ‘isn’t keen on getting buses’ she’ll soon change her mind about one or the other.

CombatBarbie · 19/07/2022 21:28

Flamingoose · 19/07/2022 21:13

Yes, I do a lot of dropping her at work / picking her up / dropping her at friends etc. There are buses but she's not very keen on using them because we're in the suburbs and it's often a 2-bus trip rather than 1. E.g. today she finishes work late morning and I can't pick her up so rather than bus or walk home (40 mins) she's going to wait at a friend's until I finish work and come and get her. Her brother (younger) gets buses or bikes or walks everywhere.

Well stop driving her everywhere.

2pinkginsplease · 19/07/2022 21:29

I didn't learn to drive at 17. We didn't have a car, my friends all drove and my boyfriend could drive too so I didn't need to. I learned when I was 25 and pregnant with my 2nd child.

I did encourage both our children to learn to drive at 17. Ds wasn't that bothered but has passed his test and does drive on occasions. Dd was really enthusiastic and uses the car a lot, including work, she works unsociable hours, .

I would pull back on the lifts and saying she could drive then she wouldn't need to rely on public transport amd see if she changes her mind. However you can't force someone to learn to drive.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2022 21:29

I spent 2 years in New York, 3 in Singapore, and same again in Hong Kong, and I didn’t ask anyone for lifts.

TBF Hong Kong I believe has one of the lowest per capita car ownership in the world. And NY the lowest in the States. There wouldn't be anyone to give you a lift. And if they did, it would take longer than the subway!

Original poster

Flamingoose · 19/07/2022 21:29

Right. I'm glad I posted this thread because it has helped me put my finger on the problem. As PP have pointed out, she doesn't want to drive, but she does want me to ferry her around. I'm going to have a chat and explain that she can't have it both ways. If she's determined not to drive then she's going to be spending a lot more time on buses, or walking.

OP posts:

ShamedBySiri · 19/07/2022 21:31

My DD1 just didn't seem to want to learn to drive. She's an incredibly focussed and determined young woman, if she wants to do something she works for it and does it. Every time I suggested driving lessons she ignored me or said she was too busy (tbf she was busy, working hard at A levels, singing in a choir, part time job etc). Also she had parents who chauffeured when she couldn't get a bus so never really had a need.

Now she's 24 and lives away from home and I think it will be very difficult for her as she will be learning from scratch and will need so many lessons as she won't be able to practice with us.

By comparison DD2 was VERY keen to learn and to achieve something her sister hadn't. We found a nice female driving instructor who has lots of compliments on Facebook and regularly posts pictures of pupils, usually teenagers, who have just passed.
She said it would take about 80 hours.
DD had one two hour lesson a week and we took her out for about two hours most weeks. She paid for some from her job, I paid for one a month (£50 for two hours) and Granny gave her some money towards it.
It did indeed take about 80 hours. (Plus three attempts at the written test).
She passed first time and it's a Godsend, she has independence, doesn't need chauffeuring, can be prevailed upon to chauffeur her big sister when she's home. I'm so pleased she did it and really regret that we didn't push DD1 harder as she'll have to spend twice as much on lessons, at least, as DD2 did.

About that written test. Many of the questions are easy but there are enough questions on things like breaking distances and the law that you won't know if you haven't done the revision.
That accounts for the first fail.
Second time she had a slot first thing in the morning and failed on the hazard perception bit. I think it was too early in the morning for her...
Third time she took it seriously and passed, in the afternoon.

If your DD isn't interested in learning you will be wasting your money.
All you can do is make it clear that you are helping her have a good life skill. If she doesn't want to do it she won't.
Also, I work with a couple of people who passed a long time ago but have always been nervous and basically have never driven. One of them treated herself to a car for her 40th birthday and had lessons and does now drive a bit. What I'm saying is even if you manage to push your DD through the test she may never use it anyway.

ComDummings · 19/07/2022 21:34

She may come to regret not trying now, but you can’t tell a teenager anything! Absolutely stop the lifts etc.

DyingForACuppa · 19/07/2022 21:35

I didn't learn to drive at that age (shit scared of cars - of screwing up and killing someone). I really wish I had though, for years I lived in big cities where it didn't matter, but now I have kids in a smaller city and it sucks and I have no time to take lessons.

You can't make her. Maybe put the money aside to offer her again in a few years?

RaininSummer · 19/07/2022 21:36

I see it as a life skill but the usefulness does depend where you live. However even city dwellers like to go places and public transport isn't always the best plan. Also it's a lot easier to ferry children and shopping to different destinations with a car and can massively limit job options. Still she may change her mind when older and sees a reason in her life to drive.

FlissyPaps · 19/07/2022 21:42

OP, do you want her to learn to drive for her own sake or for your sake?

Her sake being independence, more job opportunities and all the rest of it that comes with driving.

Your sake being: you are fed up of chauffeuring her around when she’s clearly old enough to use and navigate public transport. & I don’t blame you if you feel that way! It puts a lot of pressure on you, takes time up out of your day. Plus, fuel is so expensive nowadays.

However, if she agrees to start using public transport then don’t keep pushing her with the driving lessons. She’ll decide in her own time.

munchbunch12 · 19/07/2022 21:42

InChocolateWeTrust · 19/07/2022 21:15

Stop driving her anywhere. If she really doesnt want to drive that's fine but she's old enough to get where she needs to go under her own steam, whether by learning to drive or by using public transport.

I agree with this. If she doesn't want to drive, that's fine, but she needs to realise that it's unacceptable to spend her life inconveniencing others. She can make her own way.

safetylastday · 19/07/2022 21:42

I wouldn’t push it but no more lifts

if she doesn’t feel she needs to drive to be self sufficient let her crack on

SweetPetrichor · 19/07/2022 21:42

I didn’t want to learn when I was 17 but my parents basically said ‘this is a life skill, you must learn.’ They paid for my lessons and put me on their car insurance. Once I started driving I never looked back, I’m glad they forced me!

I would stop ferrying her around and let her catch the bus(es) since she’s adamant she can manage on public transport alone. It’s very easy to say “I don’t need to learn” when mum is your taxi!

bakewellbride · 19/07/2022 21:45

Just leave the subject alone - it's not like it's a now or never thing. I learned in my mid-twenties (which is still ages away for your daughter as I believe she's 17 from reading your op) and everything has worked out fine.

Kite22 · 19/07/2022 21:51

I haven't voted as I think it isn't your decision.
there's no "We" about her not being able to afford it later - that is her choice.
She needs to want it for herself, so I think YWBU to try to demand she learns to drive.

Against that, I totally agree it is a life skill and I can't understand people not being interested. When I look back over the 40+ years since I passed my test, I would have missed out on so much if I couldn't drive - and I live in a big City with plenty of public transport.

She is wrong in saying only old people drive. It is very difficult to get a test or even driving lessons due mainly to 'her generation' getting themselves a qualification, that, once you have it you have it for life (well, almost).

Thatswhyimacat · 19/07/2022 22:01

YANBU to give reasons why learning to drive can be a good idea and why she can't have it both ways and expect a mum taxi service.

YABU saying it's non-negotiable. I passed my driving test at 18, I'm now 34 and I haven't driven a car since. Never needed to and no, I don't constantly scab lifts off people. She's also right that fewer people driving is a good thing.

Paprikapommes · 19/07/2022 22:13

I was the same, begrudgingly made to take lessons with a family friend and failed twice. Total waste of my parents money. Moved to London shortly after and didn't try for years. I ended up learning at 25 and purely because it was needed for my CV and helped my job prospects. I regretted not doing it earlier once I had to pay for it! But the driving instructor I got to choose was so much better suited for me.

It's sensible to outline good reasons why, but I honestly wouldn't force it.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 19/07/2022 22:19

So she doesn't think she needs to drive, but she relies on you driving to get her...everywhere?

Stop the lifts. If she doesn't want to drive, that's fine, she can walk or catch the bus instead can't she 🤷🏻‍♀️

XelaM · 19/07/2022 22:27

It's an absolutely essential life skill and I have always lives in big cities. I in London now and I drive A LOT!! People who don't drive and need constant lifts are a total pain. I want my daughter to learn to drive the day she turns of age! I keep telling her, as I'm absolutely sick of giving her and her friends constant lifts.

XelaM · 19/07/2022 22:27

always lived*

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