AIBU to want dd to learn to drive?

[Flamingoose]

Dd is now old enough to learn to drive.

I mentioned getting her a provisional licence and a few lessons, putting her on the family car insurance etc, and she was not keen at all. I agree that learning to drive isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it's just something you do, isn't it?

I got the forms and have been reminding dd that we ought to get going with it. She is now pushing back more than I realised. She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive. Her reasons are: Only old people think cars and driving are important. Her generation won't drive. She intends only ever to live in big cities anyway. Her aunty doesn't drive so not everyone has to drive.

I realise I definitely was unreasonable to push blithely onward with this and not acknowledge her genuine objections. No debate about that. I've apologised and we've had a good chat.

BUT... I still think you just have to learn to drive. Who knows what life has in store - being able to drive is non-negotiable. I do have friends and relatives who can't / won't drive and it's a pain. Genuine question: AIBU? I'm starting to doubt myself.

@Whatwouldscullydo Fuck me, your post is the literal definition of 'public transport privilege'.

You do realise that other people live where there isn't 'a [bus] stop across the road and a train station in walking distance', don't you?

The easiest solution to this problem is to only drive her places you are going to already, and to leave when it suits you. Otherwise it’s public transport or cabs that she pays for. She sounds very entitled.

I was responding to someone who seemed to believe public transport is the worst thing ever and can't understand why everyone doesn't drive.

I was pointing out its not always that awful and driving isn't exactly any easier.

In fact round here driving can be a nightmare. One set of roadworks and it all.seems to fall apart. I also live near a school so deal with wankers who think they are to special to wait before pulling out on a daily basis.

Not everyone who doesn't drive is hassling for lifts or standing like sardines. There's a middle.ground sometimes.

Around here public transport is the worst thing ever because it’s terrible/non existent. Neither myself or DS could get to work using it.

I am learning to drive now, at 37. When I was 17 I genuinely had no need todrive a we lived in a big city and buses and trains did everything. I also lived in a smaller city for a while where public transport wasn't great but traffic, and parking just meant that driving still didn't make sense.

Fitting driving lessons around work and dc now is hard.

Let her leave it a couple of years until she wants to and can pay for her own lessons. She will be really expensive to ensure now aswell.

She can't be forced, but you also don't need to continually avail yourself of being her taxi. She doesn't want a provisional to learn to drive or for ID- great. She thinks cars are unnecessary, even better- she can therefore organise her own transport up locally since it's the future. I would t be the taxi service if she's choosing not to learn.

I would definitely probably actually like driving if I got to enjoy quieter country roads or a lived in a town which doesn't come to a complete halt the second a water pipe bursts.

Theres several new housing developments being built im actually dreading it. My road has become a rat run , entitled parents and their 4x4s who just don't see u if you have a smaller car, traffic is horrendous enough without hundreds more houses with probably 2 cars per house being built. .mot sure our roads round here can take it.

My youngest has just turned 17 and isn't interested in learning to drive in the near future; he's more focussed on study he needs to do over the summer towards his university applications, which is fine! Adding driving lessons to the mix is just an unnecessary extra right now. We'll see what pans out, but driving may be relevant once he's finished a degree and looking for work.

Eldest is 19, had some lessons at 17 then covid got in the way, and anyway has just been away on a gap year. Her plan was always to get her licence and then expect not to drive for a few years (until insurance cheaper / living somewhere that made having a car possible and practical). So even for her we're not in a hurry, though I am thinking it might be good to get her to the point of being able to practice with us, reasonably soon.

I also started university soon after turning 17 (different country/education system but similar driving licence rules), and didn't prioritise learning to drive. I used public transport a lot and got my licence just before I turned 21.

It's quite out of character for her to be so set against something which is why it caught me by surprise I think.

In that case it's possibly fear. Either a genuine dread because of the risk and responsibility involved, or worried she will be terrible at it and be embarrassed. I can relate to that and used all sorts of excuses to put it off until 35.

Sorry, my first para was meant to be bolded and is a quote from OP!

I don't drive. I live in city and when going outside of it use taxis and public transport. If family or friends offer to give me lifts, I offer money, I never ask for lifts.

E.g. meeting with friend soon outside city. I said I would get the train to the nearest station and then a taxi to her house, she immediately said no, I'll pick you up. I said oh don't worry, a taxi would be fine. She insisted. I said, ok ok then I will give you some money for the fuel... She refused.

TBF, i am just terrified of driving. What if I crash and it's all my fault my kid dies? What if I'm in a car crash that isn't my fault because you can't control the other cars, and my child dies or I die and my child left alone.

What if I can't get on the motorway from a slip road? What if someone doesn't secure their top-load correctly on a van or truck and it flies through the windshield.

I don't even like being the passenger in a car due to these fears tbh. My father has been driving all his life, but ever time me and my daughter have been in his car, I think, "we could die this time".

You have your life and passages, and those around you in your hands. If you make a mistake people could die. Where else does this level of responsibility exist?

Aye and this is why I do not want that level of responsibility in my hands. I'm clumsy enough on my two feet and I've been using them over 25 years.

Where I live, it’s not optional. My 13 year old will start studying soon for her learners permit so she can start driving lessons as soon as she turns 14. That is how essential cars are.

if your daughter ever wants to travel outside of large cities with public transit networks, she is going to need to know how to drive. Not everywhere even has things like taxis and Uber readily accessible. I would point out to her that she is limiting her life choices. Then I would tell her the parental taxi service will be ending whether she learns to drive or not.

I was forced to take driving lessons with the teacher my mother had picked. I dread to think how much she spent on lessons but I just did not want to learn so didn't pay attention.

When I was actually ready I booked a test and took 5 lessons in 5 days and passed.

Driving is still something I do when I have to.

It seems to be becoming normal for young people to wait until after uni to learn.

I didn't learn until I was 25 as I didn't feel ready. Don't push her. If she wants to later on she can.

20 years since passing my test, I have a car, but haven't driven it for 2 weeks. I get around on my bike, foot or public transport when the weather is good. So even knowing how to drive isn't a necessity.

It's absolutely her choice so you can't force her. YANBU though. I class being able to drive as an essential life skill the same way swimming and cycling are.

She may come around when she's older.

My 2 step-sons and my daughter’s nanny were all the same, the boys were predominantly due to laziness and the nanny was a bit down to fear. I encouraged all 3 to do it regardless and now they’re all in complete agreement that they love the freedom/ wish they’d done it sooner etc. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest - it’s a life skill. I certainly wouldn’t be ferrying your daughter around for anything social

Stop driving her places. Does she have a bike?

She is still very young. I'd leave her to it. I suspect as soon as she falls in love with someone who doesn't live on a bus route, she'll think sensibly about how she will get around. 🙂

I'm in my 40s and can't drive. Did try and failed. Until recently I worked all over the UK for over 20 years and got around happily 99% of the time by public transport. But I was very independent and never expected/relied on anyone to taxi me around.

As PP have said, her view that only "old" people think driving is important and her generation don't drive is totally at odds with the expectation of being ferried by Mum Taxi here, there and everywhere. Unless she also thinks that at your age, people have nothing better to do with their lives than wait hand and foot on their offspring.

No point pushing. Depends where you live. If you live in a city you probably don't feel the need - you can get a train or a bus to anywhere. I grew up in the middle of Devon and so was desperate to learn, learnt to drive immediately. In fact I was taught clutch control etc by my dad before my actual 17th birthday, so only needed a few lessons and then passed my test soon after my actual birthday. I taught ds1 ti drive in lockdown. He had a few lessons and passed as one of the first in his year. In Surrey now, so not do urgent as Devon, but see it as a life skill.
But if she's not interested you can't force her, don't push.

My daughter is the same. Doesn't want to drive, global warming etc etc. She's just come back from uni and we live in area where you need a car. She's planning to move to a city where she would rather take public transport. Trouble is when she is home needs lifts etc which is hypocritical re the whole GW issue. Told her if she moves away and lives in city all well and good. If she stays here she either learns to drive or finds some good bus routes as refuse to be constant taxi service. She shouldn't really be on the road though Jesus . She screams and hides her face when she thinks I might run down a pigeon. Lol

What’s fascinating is the vehemence and urgency of the posts from drivers who claim that learning driving is

• A central rite of passage for teenagers
• You’re not a true adult without the skill
• You must have a “screw loose” as an adult if you didn’t learn to drive as a teenager
• It’s an essential life skill
• People will inevitably have to “ferry you around” if you don’t have a car

It’s just utterly depressing in its parochial approach. The kind of level of thinking that means on my friend’s Victorian houses residential street in London we have two households with nine cars, because both DCs (who are in their 20s but “need” cars) are driving. In London.

As I said before, I didn’t drive till much later in life. My parents couldn’t afford driving lessons for me. My summer jobs as a teenager funded university. I then got to experience Singapore, Hong Kong, New York, set up a good career for myself.

should I have stayed in Dorset as a child, forgone uni and spent the money instead on driving lessons aged 18 because without them, I must “have a screw loose” as an adult?!

To the utterly dull folk going on about everyone should help their kids to drive? check your privilege. To those claiming all public transport is shit? Try getting out of the backwater where you live.

We’re not all the same, but you’d be forgiven for thinking otherwise the way half this thread goes on about the existential threat of having to “ferry” (why always ferrying?!) people around

Op if you are in England you can book one of those driving lessons for kids over 12 without needing a provisional license for her. Maybe ask her to try that as I am guessing she has some concerns about driving. They practise in car parks and race courses so it’s very safe space for a first lesson

I would advise her you will be stopping lifts as it’s not convenient for you. If she doesn’t want to learn to drive that’s absolutely fine but she can’t expect lifts, that’s simply not how life works.