AIBU to want dd to learn to drive?

[Flamingoose]

Dd is now old enough to learn to drive.

I mentioned getting her a provisional licence and a few lessons, putting her on the family car insurance etc, and she was not keen at all. I agree that learning to drive isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it's just something you do, isn't it?

I got the forms and have been reminding dd that we ought to get going with it. She is now pushing back more than I realised. She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive. Her reasons are: Only old people think cars and driving are important. Her generation won't drive. She intends only ever to live in big cities anyway. Her aunty doesn't drive so not everyone has to drive.

I realise I definitely was unreasonable to push blithely onward with this and not acknowledge her genuine objections. No debate about that. I've apologised and we've had a good chat.

BUT... I still think you just have to learn to drive. Who knows what life has in store - being able to drive is non-negotiable. I do have friends and relatives who can't / won't drive and it's a pain. Genuine question: AIBU? I'm starting to doubt myself.

[Whatwouldscullydo]

@XelaM

It's an absolutely essential life skill and I have always lives in big cities. I in London now and I drive A LOT!! People who don't drive and need constant lifts are a total pain. I want my daughter to learn to drive the day she turns of age! I keep telling her, as I'm absolutely sick of giving her and her friends constant lifts.

Then don't give them..do they really require lifts or do you just do that thing where people who drive cant fathom we might have a journey plan already worked out , practically force a lift on you saying how its no trouble you are going anyway and I'm not having you get on 2 buses when I'm.right here. Then just whinge about it?

[daisypond]

I’m baffled why you’re giving your daughter and your friends lifts if you so resent it, XelaM. I don’t know anyone who has a car in London. Everyone I know just uses public transport - even with DC. No one gives anyone lifts, because no one has a car.

[1nsertusername]

I'm going to throw this in but I think all women should be able to drive. The independence and freedom it gives you throughout your life gives you options that you dont know you may need.

I would feel incredibly trapped not being able to drive or have to rely on others or public transport.

I passed my test as soon as I could at 17. It changed my life and signifies and real step into adulthood.

I've lived all over from off grid to inner cities,and have driven everyday or not much for weeks on end.

I do see why a 17 years may think they dont need to learn to drive,most likely driverless cars will be a thing in the future,but before its legal and fully possible who do they expect to be driving them around?

I would always push for a 17 years to learn to drive,just because it opens up doors rather than closes them. What's the harm in learning to drive?

I would stop giving lifts. You have been incredibly generous by offering the support and finances to learn to drive. She has turned it down. Now she has to live with that choice.

I dont understand why so many people dont want to be adults. Driving is a right of passage!

[pantherpie]

Can't she get a bike or a moped?

If it's a 40 minute walk that's like a 15 minute cycle.

[daisypond]

Idont understand why so many people dont want to be adults. Driving is a right of passage!

eh? Why on earth would you relate driving with adulthood? It’s unrelated. If anything, it’s childish - needing a car because you can’t manage public transport or walking or cycling. No one needs to be driven around (except by public transport).

[QuebecBagnet]

I agree stop the lifts. She can use the bus and will soon realise how inconvenient not being able to drive is.

[Sparklingbrook]

Unfortunately not everyone lives somewhere that public transport is frequent or reliable. Or they do at the moment but that might not always be the case. It's not childish to need to drive because of your circumstances.

[Eunorition]

I live in a big city and figured I'd learn when I wanted to. But I've never wanted to. I never get lifts from anyone. I take trams, trains, taxis, planes, and buses. Or walk, obviously. Saved a fortune in car costs. I've never yet found a place I wanted to go that I needed a car for.

Some rural relatives of mine think it's weird but they live in a place with literally no transport. They don't really understand that I can get on a vehicle to anywhere.

[Kite22]

@Flamingoose

Yes, I do a lot of dropping her at work / picking her up / dropping her at friends etc. There are buses but she's not very keen on using them because we're in the suburbs and it's often a 2-bus trip rather than 1. E.g. today she finishes work late morning and I can't pick her up so rather than bus or walk home (40 mins) she's going to wait at a friend's until I finish work and come and get her. Her brother (younger) gets buses or bikes or walks everywhere.

I think this is an issue.

If you pander to her like that, then she doesn't have much incentive, does she?

A 40 minute walk is hardly unreasonable for a teenager - it was my dcs' daily walk to school and from school at secondary. (Today's heat excepted - but you give the impression this is regular, the ferrying about).

[OooErr]

@daisypond

Idont understand why so many people dont want to be adults. Driving is a right of passage!

eh? Why on earth would you relate driving with adulthood? It’s unrelated. If anything, it’s childish - needing a car because you can’t manage public transport or walking or cycling. No one needs to be driven around (except by public transport).

Haven’t you been watching the news?
Rail strikes, tube strikes, any form
of ‘public transport’ is becoming increasingly unreliable.
You also can’t walk/cycle In all weathers and with heavy loads. Or transport kids!
Obviously people may not be able to afford lessons, or be unable to drive for whatever medical reason. But it’s default to assume that they can, and ‘I don’t want to’ isn’t a good enough reason.

[OooErr]

Also ‘public transport’ - if it was that great carers, nurses and similar would just use it instead of having to spend their own money, in their own vehicles driving up and down.

[CounsellorTroi]

I wasn't in a desperate hurry to learn to drive at 17 and my mum didn't push it - she was a reluctant and nervous driver herself. I eventually passed aged 26.

[underneaththeash]

It IS an essential life skill in some places, especially if you have a child or a health condition. You can’t expect someone else to do something for you that you can easily learn to do yourself.
she needs to learn.my DD wasn’t keen either (although she’s much younger), we’ve done some young driver sessions for her and she’s really confident now. Grandparents bought them for her.

[daisypond]

@Sparklingbrook

Unfortunately not everyone lives somewhere that public transport is frequent or reliable. Or they do at the moment but that might not always be the case. It's not childish to need to drive because of your circumstances.

No, but it’s not a mark of adulthood either. Being able to drive is not an indication of adulthood. It’s definitely not a rite of passage, as someone said. It’s a marker of wealth perhaps.

[CounsellorTroi]

That said she didn't ferry me around either before I passed my test, I was happy to use public transport.

[Christinatheastonishing]

I'm a bit on the fence here.

I think it's a great life skill to have and people don't necessarily see that unless they've lived both ways (as an adult). I'd be rich if I had a pound for every poster on here who's in some shitty situation made worse by 'but I/we don't drive'.

But I voted YABU because she has to come to that realisation herself, and she might not until life without a licence becomes trickier.

[ilovesooty]

@Flamingoose

Yes, I do a lot of dropping her at work / picking her up / dropping her at friends etc. There are buses but she's not very keen on using them because we're in the suburbs and it's often a 2-bus trip rather than 1. E.g. today she finishes work late morning and I can't pick her up so rather than bus or walk home (40 mins) she's going to wait at a friend's until I finish work and come and get her. Her brother (younger) gets buses or bikes or walks everywhere.

In that case she needs to start getting herself about like her brother does.

[Dobbyismyabsolutefav]

I think learning to drive is a life skill and much easier to do when you are 17/18. However, if your DD doesn't want to learn to drive then fine but I wouldn't be ferrying her and her friends around as and when she wants. Perhaps having to use public transport and not having Mum as a taxi service might convince your DD.

My teenager was desperate to drive and gain more independence.

[PMAmostofthetime]

I didn't pass my test until I was in my late 20's and my job depended on it. My parents booked and paid for lessons and bought me at 17 but I had no interest and didn't stick at it. It was a waste of money.

[1nsertusername]

@daisypond
Because driving gives you independence and huge responsibility,far more than public transport or walking!

It's one of the only true adult responsibility anyone can have beyond having children. You have your life and passages, and those around you in your hands. If you make a mistake people could die. Where else does this level of responsibility exist?

Learning to drive gives a 17 years a new perspective of life,one than non drives will never have.

I would always encourage a 17 years old to do this,same as I would encourage 18 year olds to take a gap year.

In the modern world we dont have coming of age ceremonies,we dont have anything that distinguishes us as we move from childhood to adulthood. I believe that passing your driving test is one of the few things that is comparable.

[PMAmostofthetime]

@Flamingoose

Yes, I do a lot of dropping her at work / picking her up / dropping her at friends etc. There are buses but she's not very keen on using them because we're in the suburbs and it's often a 2-bus trip rather than 1. E.g. today she finishes work late morning and I can't pick her up so rather than bus or walk home (40 mins) she's going to wait at a friend's until I finish work and come and get her. Her brother (younger) gets buses or bikes or walks everywhere.

This is why I had no interest I was always taken and picked up. Honestly if my family wasn't so accommodating I would have nee interested in learning earlier.

[ThinWomansBrain]

If she ever wants/expects a lift anywhers, the answer is "cars are for old people, sorry."

[pinkstripeycat]

Saying her generation won’t want to drive is definitely not true.
I teach only 17/18 yr olds as I have a manual car and that’s what they prefer and I have a 6 month waiting list!
My DS is almost 17 and he definitely wants me to teach him to drive.
Don’t push her tho. It’s like a anything, some want to do it and some don’t. She’ll manage the same as all those thousands of people who don’t drive.

[ThinWomansBrain]

& throw in a tinkly MN laugh for good measure😂

[Sparklingbrook]

@daisypond

No, but it’s not a mark of adulthood either. Being able to drive is not an indication of adulthood. It’s definitely not a rite of passage, as someone said. It’s a marker of wealth perhaps.

It's just something that's very useful to have-IMO. Even if just in your back pocket for future use. It is a rite of passage around here out of necessity. I don't think it is a marker of wealth either. Public transport and taxis are by no means cheap.