AIBU to want dd to learn to drive?

[Flamingoose]

Dd is now old enough to learn to drive.

I mentioned getting her a provisional licence and a few lessons, putting her on the family car insurance etc, and she was not keen at all. I agree that learning to drive isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it's just something you do, isn't it?

I got the forms and have been reminding dd that we ought to get going with it. She is now pushing back more than I realised. She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive. Her reasons are: Only old people think cars and driving are important. Her generation won't drive. She intends only ever to live in big cities anyway. Her aunty doesn't drive so not everyone has to drive.

I realise I definitely was unreasonable to push blithely onward with this and not acknowledge her genuine objections. No debate about that. I've apologised and we've had a good chat.

BUT... I still think you just have to learn to drive. Who knows what life has in store - being able to drive is non-negotiable. I do have friends and relatives who can't / won't drive and it's a pain. Genuine question: AIBU? I'm starting to doubt myself.

Also if she’s nervous or not sure consider automatic lessons which are easier. Dd struggled with manual lessons and she converted to automatic and never looked back. Yes she only has an automatic licence but apart from cars been a bit more expensive and less choice it’s not an issue. And electric cars are all automatic so in the future there’s hardly going to any manual cars.

Yabu to try and force her to drive but she is being unreasonable expecting you to be her personal taxi. She’d better start getting used to buses. Stop being a taxi, she might change her mind

Why would she bother driving when she has a free taxi available to run her around. If there is an alternative available like a bus insist she uses it. If she prefers that to learning to drive herself then fair enough but expecting you to do what she doesn't want to is not fair.

It's all very well having principles about not driving when someone else is using huge amounts of their own time and energy to drive you around everywhere. Cheeky little mare saying your generation is obsessed with cars when she's too much of a princess to get the bus.

The lifts would stop now, if she were mine.

My DD has only just learnt at 30. One DS rides a motorbike. The eldest has never learnt and is 34. Just leave her to it, but don't solve transport issues for her by being a unpaid taxi.

Mine wasn't bothered either but I forced the issue and also supported her learning with regular weekend driving in addition to lessons. Passed within six months. Aside from suddenly loving the independence, she now realises that half of all apprenticeships require driving licences and in fact she has now chosen university and the medics course with placements strongly advise having a car. Her friend is stuck no waiting until university is done unless she relies solely on lessons.

Difficult I know but stop ferrying her around

Aw no poor thing, doesn't want to use common buses, or get two rather than one. Tough luck that's what you have to do if you don't drive. You have been too soft with her op, and you need to stick to your agreement now of no more lifts. She will likely cry and call you mean, ignore her, she's being a spoilt brat. You have created that so you need to fix it. She will either put up with it, sulk for a time and then start learning to drive, or she will just accept it and get on with it. In either case, you do not give her lifts. Take her out driving sure, but no lifts.

If she doesn't want to learn to drive she shouldn't be on the roads but she can't have her cake and eat it. If she doesn't drive herself she can't expect to be driven around by others. She's going to have to get used to public transport/cycling/walking options.

I was forced. Best thing my mother ever did for me! I'd still be relying on lifts and my employment opportunities would've been greatly reduced in the country I live in! Its a nerve-wrecking experience.

My mother taught me the basics then I started lessons. I had a fear of roundabouts. First lesson in, they made me do a roundabout and it was fine! My BIL has no licence in his late 20s and it is painful watching people ferrying him around everywhere!

To the people saying there is no problem with public transport... I live in a town. I currently drive 40 minutes to work. To use public transport, not rely on lifts and arrive on time, I would need to walk / cycle, and get 3 buses which includes crossing over from 1 bus station to another in a busy city, totalling 5 and a half hours! Not everywhere in the world has good public transport.

If it takes two buses to get anywhere because she lives in the arse end of nowhere, that's on you. She didn't choose to live in the countryside, you did. I always find it incredible how many parents on here complain about ferrying their kids around when they're the ones who chose to make their kids live in an inaccessible location.

As long as she actually follows through with her plans and moves to a big city for university/work, she's right, she doesn't need to drive.

Have you ever looked at a car on the road and thought, 'that driver shouldn't be on the road?' Why do we force everyone to drive? If they don't want to, maybe they're doing us all a favour. Not everyone is a good driver, and driving can be dangerous if you're crap at it.

Like your DD, I moved from the countryside to the big city as soon as I was old enough to make decisions about where I lived. I have never relied on a lift from anyone - public transport and taxis work fine for me.

I am disabled, and that does make driving difficult for me, but I shouldn't need that as a free pass from why I don't drive. It's just not something everyone needs to do.

Also... just because you have kids that need driving about doesn't mean she will. You assumed she would want to drive. Have you also assumed she wants a family? Children sometimes make different choices to their parents.

Its certainly a position for the well off to hold, even though I didnt need to drive as we were in London, I wouldnt have been able to afford it anyway

Yet all my middle class more well off friends had their lessons bought and paid for by their parents,, then the car, then the insurance.

Its not an 'essential life skill' for those that cant afford it

You really should get some help for your unreasonable anxiety.
With all the pollution and crap in our food/drink like microplastics you’re more like to get cancer and die from that instead of a car crash…

Leave her be for now, she'll soon realise it's a fairly important life skill if she needs it. A provisional driving license, however, would be useful for ID when she turns 18.

I was not motivated to learn to drive when I lived in a big town as I could walk, take the bus, or catch a train anywhere I needed to go. I had a few lessons but never bothered putting in for my test.

Then I moved to the countryside. Caught the bus to the nearest Big Town one day to look around, spent a couple of hours mooching around, walked back to the bus stop and realised I'd missed the only bus home that day. I passed my driving test five months later.

Stop being a taxi in the meantime however. It's no wonder she doesn't need to drive when you will pick her up from or take her to anywhere she wants to go.

@SavoirFlair - hah, it was moving from a city to the backend of Dorset that changed my mind about learning to drive! I went the other way to you.

We’re not all the same, but you’d be forgiven for thinking otherwise the way half this thread goes on about the existential threat of having to “ferry” (why always ferrying?!) people around

Especially when the ferrying about is entirely self inflicted. I think some people just like being martyrs. Their entire identity wrapped around doing stuff for everyone so they can whinge about busy akd exhausted they are and how everyone is always asking them to take them somewhere. If they are your kids say no ffs you are the parent.

If its not your family then they survived before they met you and will survive well after your car becomes off limits. Dont offer if you are going to be a pain in the arse about it. The phrase "sorry I'm.busy" was invented for reasons such as this.

I certainly got sick of practically being pitied because I got a bus somewhere akd its a situation they feel I need rescuing from.

Ha..if she is saying she doesn’t want to drive but expects other people to drive her then that’s a no brainer. Especially if she then says she doesn’t want to use buses. She doesn’t get any more lifts and has to use public transport until she starts lessons and is actively pursuing a licence

tell her the world hates Cfs who say they don’t want to drive and use excuses like good for environment or living in big city but then ask everyone else to give them lifts.

Learning to drive is essential skill. She may have a job that requires it. She may want to take holidays where driving is needed - is she going to dump that on others ? She may need to hire a van or big loader car to carry furniture or other big items she acquires/buy

my dc lives in london, no car, usually walks,crumbs,cycles or public transport . But he hires cars for the day or even shorter times to do ikea runs or other big shops. He hires cars to go on holidays.

ok you can’t force her. But you can make her realise that she is not entitled then to anyone else drive her around.

My advice would be to tell her getting her provisional license is non negotiable, but then it's up to her, when or if she decides she wants to learn. PP are right, you can't force her, and she's also right that it's not a necessity, but I also see where you're coming from in thinking it's a god skill to have, so meeting half way May be the way forward for now.

Yes you're absolutely right - that's what I was going to say. If she doesn't want to learn to drive then that's absolutely fine, but she doesn't get to use you as her personal chauffeur. She needs to get herself around from now on - bus, paying her own taxi, whatever she can sort out.

I think you'll find she fairly quickly realised the benefits of learning to drive!

Oh and stop all lifts! If she doesn't want to drive that's fine, but can't expect others to do it for her

But being able to drive IS negotiable

I live in a big city and for medical reasons cannot drive. I rely on walking or public transport. I get to work just fine. In a real medical emergency that’s what ambulances are for- if it doesn’t need an ambulance it’s not really an emergency

However you can now say that as she’s old enough to drive and doesn’t wish to that it’s time mum stopped ferrying her around and she uses the other methods she speaks of.

she may also be considering how she will afford to buy insure and run a car as ultimately she may feel it’s pointless learning if she won’t be able to afford to run her own car.

I really disagree that learning to drive is an essential life skill. It’s a useful skill, yes, but really only for the relatively wealthy. The cost of lessons is huge -especially if you don’t have a parent’s car to practise in, meaning you need more lessons from the outset -and it’s wealthier parents who are more likely to own a car. The cost of insurance is huge -again, that will be higher if you can’t be added onto a parent’s or other driver’s insurance. Then there’s the cost of a car, MOT, paying for residents’ parking -let alone actually going anywhere in the car, paying for petrol, paying for parking,etc. With the dearth of instructor availability and tests, the costs are ever-increasing. With increasing rents, increasing food bills and utility bills, learning to drive is for the privileged. I don’t know anyone who started learning to drive at 17. Most wait until their mid-20s.

Emergency - taxi
Relying on others - is a personality trait not a condition of not driving
widen your options - never had my options restricted because I don’t drive?
work - I work in a role that doesn’t need me to drive?
ferrying kids around - public transport? Taxis?

today she finishes work late morning and I can't pick her up so rather than bus or walk home (40 mins)
it’s more concerning a child of your dds age can’t walk for 40mins? Assuming she is in good health that’s canny pathetic. I walk longer than that with dd in pram just to get her to nap, of course she can walk for 40 mins!! Worrying you’re not seeing that either, and these short journeys are awfully
polluting and contributing to climate change.

Harassing her to do something she doesn’t want to do will never go down well. She can’t have it all though so you’re completely correct to stop her lifts. If she’s so adamant she wants to live a car free life then she needs to have a car free life.

Yep, absolutely this. All very well and good not wanting to drive, but you can't take the piss by taking advantage of someone else's driving ability

@SavoirFlair - totally agree, can't relate at all to the 'ferrying around' fears or the choice to live in a 'backwater' place as an adult. No-one has to drive me around, and I've lived in several places - in UK and abroad - and have always had good public transport. That's not by chance, living somewhere where you need to rely on a car sounds awful to me. Where I live now, I have 5 bus routes that pass within 5mins walk of my house. I also walk all over the place.

Even as a child/teenager it was rare for my parents to have to drive me anywhere. I walked or cycled to friends houses/other places in our neighborhood (mostly short distances but I would think nothing of walking there and back to one friend's house who lived 40 mins walk away). If I wanted to go into the city centre then I got the bus or train. Not everyone needs a car!

I am with your daughter on this one. If at some point she changes her mind, please support her.