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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want dd to learn to drive?

213 replies

Flamingoose · 19/07/2022 21:04

Dd is now old enough to learn to drive.

I mentioned getting her a provisional licence and a few lessons, putting her on the family car insurance etc, and she was not keen at all. I agree that learning to drive isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it's just something you do, isn't it?

I got the forms and have been reminding dd that we ought to get going with it. She is now pushing back more than I realised. She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive. Her reasons are: Only old people think cars and driving are important. Her generation won't drive. She intends only ever to live in big cities anyway. Her aunty doesn't drive so not everyone has to drive.

I realise I definitely was unreasonable to push blithely onward with this and not acknowledge her genuine objections. No debate about that. I've apologised and we've had a good chat.

BUT... I still think you just have to learn to drive. Who knows what life has in store - being able to drive is non-negotiable. I do have friends and relatives who can't / won't drive and it's a pain. Genuine question: AIBU? I'm starting to doubt myself.

OP posts:

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/07/2022 08:33

It went okay. She was gracious about owning that she has been a bit of an arse about the whole thing

She was an arse because she didn't want to learn to drive?! 😖

KangarooKenny · 21/07/2022 08:36

My DD stopped learning to drive because she couldn’t be bothered, so I stopped taking her to work, she had to get the bus. Funnily enough she started lessons again after that.

Original poster

Flamingoose · 21/07/2022 08:37

No! Not at all! She was an arse for flatly refusing to discuss getting her licence while still expecting me to drive her everywhere because she doesn't want to walk or get the bus.
She took on extra shifts for work this week (week off school) and I have made 10 extra trips to drop and collect her. Some of them were quite inconvenient as I'm working from home.

OP posts:

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/07/2022 08:56

Flamingoose · 21/07/2022 08:37

Ok, fair enough. I misunderstood what you meant. Sorry

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/07/2022 08:57

Flamingoose · 21/07/2022 08:37

Ok, fair enough. I misunderstood what you meant. Sorry

CombatBarbie · 21/07/2022 09:21

Flamingoose · 21/07/2022 07:19

It went okay. She was gracious about owning that she has been a bit of an arse about the whole thing, and she realises she can't have her cake and eat it. She has been working through her theory test revision ( a bit grumpily, and occasionally bemoaning the fact that I'm not prepared to be her personal chauffer forever).

A couple of other things:
Someone suggested it was unreasonable of me to live in the arse end of nowhere and then complain about driving my kids around. I live in a suburb of a big city, 15 minutes drive from the city centre, as close in as we can afford. It's still 2 buses to get anywhere.

A few people said it was entitled of my daughter to wait at a friend's house. Bit baffled by that. He's a good friend and they spend hours hanging out at either his house or ours most weeks. Not even slightly weird for her to see if he's free and go round to play video games for a bit.

And finally - is my daughter entitled? Yeah, a bit. Sometimes. She's a teenager, not a saint. She's still finding her way and sometimes gets it wrong. My job is to guide her, and you all helped me with that. Thank you for all the replies!

That was me, you said in an earlier post that rather than walk or get bus she went to a mates house until you picked her up. That is entitled imo. But she is a teen and sometimes they don't see what we do. I am glad you've had the chat though because 10 extra journeys a week must be expensive on fuel not to mention taking up your time.

CounsellorTroi · 21/07/2022 10:16

You don't have to live 'in the arse end of nowhere' to need to get 2 buses to get to places. I live in a big City but you can still need to change buses (or trains, or trams) to get to lots of places I, or my dc need to get to. Sometimes more than 2. You do realise everywhere you need to go isn't on one single arterial route through the City, don't you ?

Last place I worked was on the waterfront on the other side of the city. One bus into town then another one to the waterfront. It was pretty straightforward on the mornings as it was a case of getting off the first bus and waiting for the 2nd one at the same stop. But the 2nd bus was a circular route and would take twice as long to get into the city centre from the waterfront as in the mornings. Just so much easier to drive.

Lannielou · 21/07/2022 10:36

We live in North Devon, all my kids learnt or are learning as soon as old enough. I pay for their provisional licence and first months lessons, after that it's upto them.

I would leave her to it, but would stop ferrying her around

Cadot · 21/07/2022 12:39

Sounds like the chat went well and she gets the idea OP 😃 happy for you! Maybe sometime in the future she will be offering to drop you off somewhere...

jalapenita · 21/07/2022 13:16

Can't force her but i don't know where she has got the idea that her generation won't drive ?

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 21/07/2022 13:21

I didn't learn to drive until I was 32 so it's absolutely not a necessity.

However, if she wants to pull this 'only old people care about driving' business you need to pull all lifts (except ones you deem important for her safety). She can get the bus or cycle or walk - that's what I always did when I couldn't drive (until I had a partner who did drive, I have to admit I took advantage of that for a few years, then I got pregnant and decided it was a matter of safety for my baby that I learn to drive in case of emergencies). She can't have it both ways I don't think.

zingally · 21/07/2022 14:16

Leave her to it.

But with it perhaps clearly stated that you'll help out with the cost of learning until she's 21. And if she hasn't started learning by then, you won't financially support her to learn at some future date.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 21/07/2022 14:24

So she does t want to learn because she does not need to drive and can mAnage fine without? Clearly she is not managing but is i stead relying on others to lift and lay her and drive her about as required. Stop giving her lifts. She has other options but choses not to use them. She will soon realise she either needs to drive or use public transport. Stop pandering to her

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