AIBU to want dd to learn to drive?

[Flamingoose]

Dd is now old enough to learn to drive.

I mentioned getting her a provisional licence and a few lessons, putting her on the family car insurance etc, and she was not keen at all. I agree that learning to drive isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it's just something you do, isn't it?

I got the forms and have been reminding dd that we ought to get going with it. She is now pushing back more than I realised. She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive. Her reasons are: Only old people think cars and driving are important. Her generation won't drive. She intends only ever to live in big cities anyway. Her aunty doesn't drive so not everyone has to drive.

I realise I definitely was unreasonable to push blithely onward with this and not acknowledge her genuine objections. No debate about that. I've apologised and we've had a good chat.

BUT... I still think you just have to learn to drive. Who knows what life has in store - being able to drive is non-negotiable. I do have friends and relatives who can't / won't drive and it's a pain. Genuine question: AIBU? I'm starting to doubt myself.

@Flamingoose have you mentioned that You don’t have to drive everyday and become a slave to traffic just because you know how to drive. FWIW I got rid of my car 20 years ago, and rent one by the hour if I need one.

But whether you own a car or not, knowing how to drive is a life skill, like doing your taxes, or changing a plug.
It can come in very handy, and may save her life one day.

in the meantime, I’d stop the taxi service- if she’s happy with public transport that’s cool, but there may come a time when she’s not, and what then?
It might be a bit of a hurdle to learn as an older person footing her own insurance bill. Maybe you need to reframe how you’re selling the lessons?

I agree with her in principle, increasingly, individual and private cars are part of the climate, NOx pollution problem, and unnecessary in cities, or where people live and work locally/ wfh - in practice, driving a car/ truck / bike is a skill, like swimming that may save someone’s life.

i couldn’t hire a car in the scheme if I didn’t have a full clean drivers license, and some jobs stipulate that too. it’s a little shortsighted to not want lessons and a license. maybe remind her that it doesn’t mean you have to drive in future- it keeps your options open to have a valid license.

I agree, very strange attitudes being exhibited here. Some people chose to spend the money and time on things that were more important to them, traveling, or a house deposit or just surviving if they had limited means.

However, irrespective of why someone chose not to drive at 17 or 30 or 50 or at all, it does not mean they are unhinged or not a proper adult.

I reluctantly learnt at 25, because I wouldn’t qualify for car allowance if I didn’t have my license. Passed, and hardly driven since. I live in central London, always worked where there was no parking options anyway so travelled by public transport, and now WFH permanently. But I am lucky, public transport options are great where I live, and I can afford cabs/Ubers whenever needed. I also know i have my license if I ever need it ( after some refresher lessons!)

my friend has never learnt, she now has had to seriously compromise on her ideal job. She was offered her dream role, but then realised there were no public transport options to get there and the location just wasn’t suitable for cycling. She had to turn the job down. She really regrets not learning and is now beginning the process at 40.

I would strongly recommend learning, even if you have no intention of driving straight away as you just don’t know when not having a license will be an issue, and it may take months to pass once you decide you need it.

I'm also wondering if she's actually just scared of it? My parents didn't want me to learn to drive (abusive dad who liked to control me) but it's taken me ages to think about learning as am adult anyway, not just because of the climate and lots of nearby buses, but also because I'd been in a car crash as a child and could hardly bear even to be a passenger I was so anxious. I'm guessing you'd have mentioned if she'd been in a big accident but might she actually just be worried about being in control of a vehicle?

I totally see where you're coming from, there's nothing more annoying than being burdened with doing all the driving because someone didn't bother to learn. I imagine if you stop giving her lifts she will soon change her mind though. Do you think she might be scared?

I don't think you are unreasonable to suggest to your daughter that she drives as it is an option for her and would give her some freedom.

However, I think you are being unreasonable to be trying to persuade her into it if she is adament she doesn't want to at the moment. If she plans to build her life around not needing a car to get around then I'd leave her be. The 'it is just something you do' belief isn't necessarily true as driving isn't for everyone and why should someone do it solely because it is expected. Perhaps one day she will choose to drive when she is older, but don't force her to do it. That said, I wouldn't be giving her lifts everywhere either as if she chooses to not drive then she has to accept living as a non driver.

My parents pressured me into driving when I was younger (I didn't want to, but did it for the quiet life) and I passed my test only to never drive as I truly hated it. I accepted the limitations l, lived in a city next to transport and never cadge lifts off anyone as it is my choice to not drive.

My parents are now older and living in the middle of nowehere having made no sensible arrangements and are trying to pressure and guilt trip me into driving again. The truth is, I don't feel safe behind the wheel and would be a menace on the road, yet I am being made to feel abnormal because of how I feel about driving because of the beliefs held by many that 'it is something that you do' and a 'basic life skill'. Please don't make your daughter feel like that as while it is an option available to her that will benefit her in some ways, it isn't the be all and end all if she doesn't. Let her experience life without getting lifts everywhere and then let her decide. If she still chooses to not drive, respect her decision

It is a great life skill, she would find it useful if she had a family, and also its easier for work alot require car drivers. I guess you cant make anyone though.

I passed my test as soon as I could at 17. It changed my life and signifies and real step into adulthood.

Just because you dont drive dosent mean you havent stepped in adulthood. Theres more to being an adult that driving.

Don't push, but stop enabling her. It's her choice not to drive, but she can no longer rely on lifts from you. Only give them if they're convenient for you.

My young adult children are the same. It's seems to not be seen as the big milestone that it was in my day.

With all the pollution and crap in our food/drink like microplastics you’re more like to get cancer and die from that instead of a car crash…

I'd rather die from that than a car-crash. At least I have time to prepare. Also, I'm not going to kill anyone else that way.

If my daughter dies from cancer caused by microplastics/pollution, I won't be blaming myself in the way I would be if I were in a car-crash either.

If it takes two buses to get anywhere because she lives in the arse end of nowhere, that's on you. She didn't choose to live in the countryside, you did. I always find it incredible how many parents on here complain about ferrying their kids around when they're the ones who chose to make their kids live in an inaccessible location.

You don't have to live 'in the arse end of nowhere' to need to get 2 buses to get to places. I live in a big City but you can still need to change buses (or trains, or trams) to get to lots of places I, or my dc need to get to. Sometimes more than 2. You do realise everywhere you need to go isn't on one single arterial route through the City, don't you ?
Plus, of course we do need to go to places that aren't in the City - and may indeed be in the arse end of nowhere sometimes. Plus, there aren't that many trains and buses when you need to be somewhere on a Sunday morning, for examples.

@XSnoe - that really is an unhealthy way to go through life. You should try to get some help for your anxiety (I know that is easier to say than to do given the paucity of mental health provision). You really need to learn to look dispassionately at risk assessing situations.

Neither I nor my husband learned to drive until our late 30s. It wasn't a problem. We chose where we lived and worked to be convenient for public transport. We did very occasionally accept lifts from others, but it was rare that we couldn't do what we needed to with public transport/bicycle, even once DD came along and we moved to a village (3 buses an hour into town, occasional taxis affordable - especially as we weren't maintaining a car).

By all means tell your DD that you're happy to contribute to the cost now but can't guarantee to later. And if occasionally you need to collect her from the station when she comes to visit, think about the environmental aspect. Once people drive and own a car, they rarely use public transport - so the difference between the environmental impact of a driver and a non-driver is often very significant.

One argument for learning is that things like car-hire and car-clubs do require you to have had a licence for a minimum period. However I would have been very wary about hiring a car if I had learned to drive and then not driven for years. (In fact, I did start learning to drive in my early 20s, when we thought we might need to move to a more rural area. By the time I failed my test we knew we were staying where we were, and I didn't continue because I knew I wasn't going to be getting any practice for at least three years. Sure enough, I needed to start from scratch again 15 years later, and I'm glad I didn't have a licence that might have tempted me to manage on a few refresher lessons.)

How had she responded since the closure of Mums Taxi has been publicised? From what you've said about her waiting at a mates til you finished work makes her sound quite entitled tbh.

I understand completely in a situation like this. I just mean generally. For example, some people I work with would not consider public transport as an option for them, despite very good links into the city. It's different if it's basically your only option.

Additionally, your point about public transport not being available everywhere is a good one. It limits where we can holiday/visit easily. But this shouldn't be because I don't drive.. Public transport should absolutely be improved.

👏Agreed with you both. Even if I chose to learn to drive years ago or now, we simply couldn't afford the additional cost of owning and using a car.

Don't worry one day cars will drive themselves.

Tell her that in 6 months time you won't be giving her anymore lifts.

Easy.

You can't force her. Of course removing the lifts might change her mind, but if she's determined she'll just use public transport or walk.

I didn't learn until I was 30. At 17 I lived somewhere with very good public transport links, I wanted to be able to drink when I went out, and I had no intention of ever living somewhere I would need one. When I moved out I moved to a city and had no need of a car at all. It was only when I got older and moved out into the suburbs - as many people do, but think they won't ever do when they're young - that I found I needed a car and then had the motivation to learn. I also had the money to fund it myself!

I don't think it's the vital life skill older generations see it as.

I don't think it's the vital life skill older generations see it as

I agree with you entirely as per my earlier post.

I think a lot of folk use their driving ability as a way of projecting insecurity, demonstrating power or using it to emotionally manipulate others

as in

“I bet the non driver will want a lift, typical CF - they didn’t invest in the skill” ( but the non driver hasn’t asked for a lift and would happily make their way every time)

“You must be miserable taking three buses” (except it’s fine, we do this all the time in London, and look at the disposable income I have left that didn’t go on a car, insurance, fuel, tax)

All of this is projection and a way of saying “I have something you don’t. Why wouldn’t you live like me??”

You see the same weird way of thinking with housing. Someone says they’re genuinely happy renting and you get

“You’re literally throwing money away every month”
”You could lose your home at any time”
”Why can’t you change your lifestyle and get a deposit together?”

@Flamingoose how did the chat go?

It went okay. She was gracious about owning that she has been a bit of an arse about the whole thing, and she realises she can't have her cake and eat it. She has been working through her theory test revision ( a bit grumpily, and occasionally bemoaning the fact that I'm not prepared to be her personal chauffer forever).

A couple of other things:
Someone suggested it was unreasonable of me to live in the arse end of nowhere and then complain about driving my kids around. I live in a suburb of a big city, 15 minutes drive from the city centre, as close in as we can afford. It's still 2 buses to get anywhere.

A few people said it was entitled of my daughter to wait at a friend's house. Bit baffled by that. He's a good friend and they spend hours hanging out at either his house or ours most weeks. Not even slightly weird for her to see if he's free and go round to play video games for a bit.

And finally - is my daughter entitled? Yeah, a bit. Sometimes. She's a teenager, not a saint. She's still finding her way and sometimes gets it wrong. My job is to guide her, and you all helped me with that. Thank you for all the replies!

I agree with you 100% about this