AIBU to want dd to learn to drive?

[Flamingoose]

Dd is now old enough to learn to drive.

I mentioned getting her a provisional licence and a few lessons, putting her on the family car insurance etc, and she was not keen at all. I agree that learning to drive isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it's just something you do, isn't it?

I got the forms and have been reminding dd that we ought to get going with it. She is now pushing back more than I realised. She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive. Her reasons are: Only old people think cars and driving are important. Her generation won't drive. She intends only ever to live in big cities anyway. Her aunty doesn't drive so not everyone has to drive.

I realise I definitely was unreasonable to push blithely onward with this and not acknowledge her genuine objections. No debate about that. I've apologised and we've had a good chat.

BUT... I still think you just have to learn to drive. Who knows what life has in store - being able to drive is non-negotiable. I do have friends and relatives who can't / won't drive and it's a pain. Genuine question: AIBU? I'm starting to doubt myself.

Let her ride a motorbike , it's much cheaper on fuel

@Whatwouldscullydo - agree, have never understood why getting the bus is seen as a bad thing to do. I enjoy my bus ride to work, get a chance to read etc in peace!

She absolutely DOES NOT want to learn to drive.

Respect her choice.

I didn't really want to learn either at her age but so was glad my parents made me - no it's not an essential skill but irs a very useful one!

I would separate learning to drive from driving though - I passed my test then barely drove at all for the next 5 years because I moved to a city and didn't need to/couldn't afford to. But it meant that when I did need to drive for a new job all I needed was a quick refresher and was good to go, plus my insurance was cheaper as I was older. Whereas otherwise I either wouldn't have got the job or would have been stressing and finding the money and time to learn in a few weeks.

Interestingly my past 3 jobs (all public sector and desk based) have all specified having a driving license as an essential criteria even though I haven't actually ever needed to drive for 2 of them (one did involve a lot) - in a competitive market it's one way of narrowing applicants down.

I think she's been a bit ridiculous to say none of her generation will drive given the 6 month wait time for test appointments at the moment!
Obviously it's up to her but I think your approach that lifts will be limited in the future is completely fair.

I was never keen. I lacked confidence. My mum pretty much persuaded me (and paid) she used to say you’ll be glad if you are living up a big hill with kids carrying shopping.
I passed but didn’t drive for 4 years. Then got a job where I needed to drive and had 3 refresher lessons and was ok. Having my own car helped (not worrying about damage to mums car) I wouldn’t have got job without licence and wouldn’t have had time to pass. It was a really hard to get role that led to me professionally qualifying.
I personally would encourage it. You never know what life will throw at you. I had a baby with a disability and weekly appointments at a none local hospital. Yes you could probably get hospital transport but it would take hours and take away from people who couldn’t drive due to health.
I do see it as a life skill. There if you need it.

I got driving lessons at 18,never took them as I couldn't be arsed.
Started lessons at 40 and passed within the year.
Unfortunately it's one of those things that you can't force.

Yes my public sector desk job needed a licence (exemption if you can’t drive due to disability) workplace fully accessible on public transport and I’ve driven once for work but it was an essential.

Is she worried about being rubbish at it so easier to hide behind other reasons. I wasn’t sporty or co ordinated. I wasn’t confident, even thought of being with instructor I wasn’t keen. It may come out with a few gentle chats.
If she’s actively choosing to be a none driver I’d treat her as such and stop the lifts. I know it’s hard I’ve driven mine this week despite there being a bus as it’s been so hot and on bus she’d need to set off an hour earlier every morning.

YABU she can chose not to drive

However you can also refuse to act as chauffeur for her - she's made her choice & needs to accept the consequences ie use public transport or taxis, which she pays for.

My DS lacks confidence so he drives me everywhere as a learner. He's actually a decent driver now but failed his test the first time which upset him greatly. So if your daughter wants to go anywhere put her behind the wheel

She doesn't need to learn to drive, but by the same token you don't need to feel obliged to give her lifts.

Not being able to drive might well limit her career options though. What if she gets a great job offer somewhere without public transport?

Absolutely this! She won’t feel the need to drive will she is if she is being ferried everywhere like a Queen! If she feels a bit of discomfort that will soon motivate her. I agree with you Op unless you live in a big city then you do need to drive, otherwise you are dependent on others and it could seriously curtain career prospects.

Some people have a genuine fear of driving. Maybe she just doesn’t like to admit it. Especially with a mum as pushy as you sound.

This alone is why she needs to learn to drive.
She doesn't want to use public transport, and sees that a car is more convenient, however that convenience is coming directly for your efforts and time.
Everyone is facilitating her at the moment.
When you cannot facilitate, and what if she doesn't have the option of waiting for you?
That means taxis or not doing what she wants to do.

I would not have met my DH of 32 years if I hadn't learned to drive. I wanted to join a choir and the rehearsal venue was awkward to get to on public transport and especially so to get home after 9pm which was when rehearsals ended.

Society is car dependent, so being a non-driver involves organising your life around that affecting where you live, occupation and social life.

From 17-21 I managed fine. DM's house was just off the town centre on a through route with most things I needed accessible on foot, by the bus stop 30m away, or station 10 mins away. Lifts tended to be from friends naturally passing by rather than DM. At uni, it was all accessible by foot/ bus/ train too. I passed my test at 22 and that opened up a lot more options for my post-graduate placements and career. At 17, that need wasn't immediate and I enjoyed the independence of getting myself around with public transport.

OP's DD can't have it both ways. She can't have noble ideals about not driving on the back of getting the mum-taxi to do double the distance. The mum-taxi needs to be withdrawn so she understands the choice she's making.

I think driving is a useful (not mandatory) life skill.

But I also think being able to move around and navigate public transport is a useful skill. So, whilst she's not learning to drive, she will be learning how to use different public transport modes - so there's that

I learned to drive at 18 but couldn't afford a car and wasn't allowed to drive the family car (plus moved away to uni). I didn't really start driving until I was about 27. The years inbetween were me just figuring out how to get a bus, train, national express, taxi (often a combination of all 4) to take me from A to B. It means I have been relatively happy to do the same in different countries, when needed and so was a useful foundation skill, imo.

My child wasn't ready at 17 to learn. So no pressure from me, they will do it when they are ready. They moved out many years ago now and I do miss those chats on the late night Mumcab rides!

Finger crossed your DD will do it as soon as she feels ready.

I think driving is a useful (not mandatory) life skill.

I have been thinking about this thread a lot and another really useful life skill is being able to say no. Nobody taught me that was ok. As a result I have never been very good at it. If only my parents had respected my decisions and choices (where reasonable) when I was younger. Every situation is a chance to demonstrate behaviour you want your offspring to learn. Saying 'I do not want to do this' should be met with 'ok' and no more.

The secondary issue of how she gets places is another life lesson, but primarily here I think listening is a million times more important.

I don't drive. I work full time. I take my child to school. I go on holidays. I do the shopping. I go on days out.

People are just lazy and refuse to consider life without driving. Their car goes in for MOT and the world ends and they can't possibly do anything on that day.

People are just lazy..... Or live in an area with poor public transport and don't want to rely on others. As I said previously, if I was to rely solely on myself and public transport, a 40 minute car journey from the town I live in to work would take me 5 and a half hours and 3 different buses. My child would not be able to go to the school I want them to as no transport from where I live to the school and too far to walk / cycle plus roads are dangerous... If I was to up and move to an area with better public transport options, it would be a city, away from any family and friends, and cost of living would be far more. Public transport is not widely available in every area of every country. It is nothing to do with laziness but thanks for that lovely generalisation!

Also if DD wants to travel it is a very useful skill to have. I know for example people who went to Australia without a licence and then applied for it in Oz where the test was a lot harder!

So she doesn't want to learn to drive, but she doesn't want to get buses? So what she wants then is to be ferried around.

Abso bloody lutely not.

I am in agreement with you, in my very humble personal opinion, driving is an essential life skill - even if you live inner city. Even inner city people drive to the coast, go on holiday etc. Living life unable to drive in incredibly inconvenient and arguably selfish, expecting others to do the donkey work. Not in this house. When the kids turn 17 they learn to drive or they get the bus. Those are the two options.

People are just lazy and refuse to consider life without driving. Their car goes in for MOT and the world ends and they can't possibly do anything on that day.

That’s madness. You just get a courtesy car or someone picks you up from the garage. The place I go to can do while you wait or give you a lift to work. 🤷‍♀️

I agree, you can be a mature responsible adult and not drive and you can be an immature adult driver hence the amount of reckless and selfish driving we see. Not understanding those calling it an essential life skill, it's good to have yes but it's definitely not essential.

I made dd , she didn't want to either and it took over a year and a few meltdowns .. now she loves it ! So much independence!