BFFs parent has accused DC of being a bully

[Worriedmum247]

NC as potentially outing. Looking for input for how to respond to parent.

Out of the blue lengthy email from parent of BFF yesterday accusing DC of bullying on play date and other times. BFFs cousin (age 2.5 I think) also present. Example given was DC bluntly pointed out that a physical attribute on the cousin was the same as BFFs-as an example think shape of nose but using an adjective that could be perceived as negative. Also said this comment was made during previous school year though no complaints made to school or myself.

DC found other child utterly lovely and was really taken with them. DC thought the physical attribute was cute. I have absolutely no doubt that there was no malice in the comment whatsoever. DC was just commenting on the physical attribute though I can see how the comment might not be well received.

Parent referenced bullying at a previous school as a result of skin colour.
I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me and DC has been raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences.

DC has no history of bullying and never before been accused of being one. Model child at school, has won recognition for good behaviour; teachers always comment on DCs kindness.

I have in the past noticed subtle (and minor) passive aggressive comments from BFF towards DC but have dismissed them as children growing up and working out how to express themselves ; it seems churlish to point them out now.

Bullying is defined by the ABA as:
“the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group”.

Isn’t calling this bullying an exaggeration?

I’m not trying to suggest that DC hasn’t made these comments but I think they have been made more as observations rather than any intention to harm. I can of course discuss with DC and explain how comments have caused upset.

How should I respond to the parent?

How old are the children and what's a BBF?

Sorry kids are 11.

Typo - meant Bff

Seems weird that they’ve wrote you an email and not tried to speak to you in person.

Do you see them in person often? Why do they have your email address?

I think unless you tell us the insult its impossible to help you respond

By 11 I would have expected a child to have grown out of random comments about peoples appearance for the sake of it

I agree with a PP. At 11 your child should know not to point things out about people’s appearance. My son has a friend who does this, comments on his red hair constantly, under the guise of “being nice”. If your DC is pointing this thing out on numerous occasions then yes that can be construed as bullying.
I think you need to not be defensive in your reply, and apologize and ensure your child stops pointing this thing out.

I think an 11 yo knows it is rude to make personal remarks.The other child has been upset but the comment, that is what counts, not what your child's motivation was

"not see colour" is not a good thing. Kids see colour and colour matters. If you make itaboo to mention, kids pick up that it's of unspeakable importance. Was the characteristic your child commented on a racial one? Sounds like it was.

I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me
This is a red flag

OP I am guessing you and your family are white, from the context of your post. My suggestion is to listen respectfully and take on board what the other parent is saying. This part of your post made me pause for thought:

“I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me and DC has been raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences.”

I genuinely write with kindness here but I’ve only ever heard this kind of thing from people who are perfectly well-intentioned but who haven’t realised that there’s a race-related issue in the room that the other person is quietly handling because they probably don’t want to upset you but which is actually causing them harm. Skin colour might be of no consequence in your eyes but it would be likely to be a significant factor in how your friend experiences the world and for you and your child not to engage with or acknowledge that fact (even if your action/inaction is from good intentions) is likely to be playing a part in some of your friend’s reactions. It sounds like your friend is telling you that their child has experienced a microaggression. Without knowing the perceived insult it’s hard to know the scale of it. Listen to your friend and be prepared to hear something that might not feel very comfortable but it’s in sitting with your own discomfort and learning from it that you really can make progress as an ally and as their friend.

This 👆

At 11 years of age I would start to consider more matters. Do they really want to be friends with the other children?

I would recommend you look up the topics such as white privilege and the myths surrounding racism, such as ‘i don't see colour’. We all have unconscious biases and now may be the time to start discussing this with your child.

I would also.encourage to focus on black scholars. Lots of brilliant ted talks on the subject.

Red flags galore.

Reply with; DC apologises & will reflect on your words.
Refrain entirely from any excuse or explanations because other parent has likely heard them all before and you will only further offend.

And was the physical attribute hair by the way because it’s always hair..🙄

Isn’t calling this bullying an exaggeration?
MN parents do love to call any and every slight 'bullying' so not sure it's the best forum to answer your question 🤷‍♀️

Why are you telling your child to not see colour? A person’s colour or racial identity is a huge part of them. That is incredibly offensive.

What is BFF?

So I’m guessing that the feature your DC pointed out is one that’s particularly associated with his friend’s race, then.

He is 11 and he should be able to understand that ‘celebrating difference’ does not mean constantly pointing those differences out or describing them in ways that could be construed as insensitive or patronising. Instead of getting defensive and arguing over the semantics of the term ‘bullying’, you need to read up on white privilege. Your post is full of things that suggest that, while you probably mean well, you are approaching the whole subject of race and racism in a really clumsy way.

I thought this too.

Sorry that was meant to quote @Daydreamsinsantafe

What a wonderful well thought out response.
off topic… but I wish employers, schools and others thought to engage like this. Colour, race, religion, sex etc… all matter, let us not pretend it does not on the basis of that being equality.

“I don’t see colour”. Yikes

I still don’t know what BFF is.

Your post is very long winded which suggests to me that you have not really “heard” your friend.

She is bothered enough to email, and she cares enough to let you know.

Id email back and say how sorry you were that your child had offended hers/her and you will talk to her about making comments about others’ appearances, and let her know that your child was hurt.

Say that you too are reflecting on her message and thank her for being open and honest.

I would say it took a lot of courage for her to write that email.

Apologise for any offence and say you'll speak to your child. It's clearly a sensitive subject for parents/child though I don't think one comment unless very offensive is 'bullying' as such.

But... do they really want to be friends? Maybe they've outgrown each other. It's hard to see any continuing friendship being organic and healthy now, with the other parents no doubt monitoring closely and one child convinced the other is 'bullying' them.

Op you’ve spent a lot of time tiptoeing around without actually explaining what it is your child said. That’s a critical piece of information here. What was it?

But... do they really want to be friends? Maybe they've outgrown each other

Yes, because surely if they are best friends, they would tell each other what upsets them. Your best friend should be the last person to be saying things that you are particularly touchy about.

As whether you child is a bully. I think too many people jump to the defense or their child when they hear them described as a bully but children are in a learning process and we have to teach them when they get it wrong. The important thing here is that your child is treating their friend in a way that is being perceived as bullying, so you need to up your child's social skills.