BFFs parent has accused DC of being a bully

[Worriedmum247]

NC as potentially outing. Looking for input for how to respond to parent.

Out of the blue lengthy email from parent of BFF yesterday accusing DC of bullying on play date and other times. BFFs cousin (age 2.5 I think) also present. Example given was DC bluntly pointed out that a physical attribute on the cousin was the same as BFFs-as an example think shape of nose but using an adjective that could be perceived as negative. Also said this comment was made during previous school year though no complaints made to school or myself.

DC found other child utterly lovely and was really taken with them. DC thought the physical attribute was cute. I have absolutely no doubt that there was no malice in the comment whatsoever. DC was just commenting on the physical attribute though I can see how the comment might not be well received.

Parent referenced bullying at a previous school as a result of skin colour.
I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me and DC has been raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences.

DC has no history of bullying and never before been accused of being one. Model child at school, has won recognition for good behaviour; teachers always comment on DCs kindness.

I have in the past noticed subtle (and minor) passive aggressive comments from BFF towards DC but have dismissed them as children growing up and working out how to express themselves ; it seems churlish to point them out now.

Bullying is defined by the ABA as:
“the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group”.

Isn’t calling this bullying an exaggeration?

I’m not trying to suggest that DC hasn’t made these comments but I think they have been made more as observations rather than any intention to harm. I can of course discuss with DC and explain how comments have caused upset.

How should I respond to the parent?

At 11 your child should understand that making comments about other people's appearance can be hurtful. At 11 your child should also be able to understand that a black child in a majority white school/class is likely to be subject to bullying or comments based on their appearance more so than their class mates.

I have a 7YO who knows not to say shit like this to his class mates. I'd expect more from an 11YO.

Yes YABU. What did you ds say to his friend? I'd be ashamed if my dc made any remarks that could be seen as racist.

Xpost

I would love to hear the other side of the story.

Funny how all these children making comments about brown/black children are “raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences”

Last week it was a child asking their Asian friend who cooks the curry in their household.

At your child's age, they should be well aware that commenting on physical attributes is wrong. It doesn't matter whether they thought it cute, it's wrong. They are pointing out a difference that they see and this child has likely had the same from other ignorant children.
I had to speak to a child recently, who was calling a friend ginger, insisted that the friend was ok with it...they weren't. Explained to the child if you had something continually mentioned about you it would get on your nerves.

@TheSoundOfLunch

I’m just saying some kid making one comment about another is hardly the end of the world. If that kid really needs to get parent involvement over that and the parent thinks that’s appropriate I think over sensitive is appropriate.

Is it your BFF or your child's BFF?
( BFF Zia a ridiculous term if referring to adults unless done with irony)

It's hair isn't it

Are you really sure it's not race related? Do a bit of googling to see whether it's something that has been generally an issue. Try nose plus black plus microaggression, or whatever the feature and ethnicity in question is.

Then when you're really sure it isn't a Thing that people already know about, you can just say a heartfelt sorry that your DS made personal comments. But I wouldn't say sorry without checking an understanding of the broader context. If it is a more well known issue that you haven't met (because you are white and haven't had to confront it) then it might make it worse for your friend and further show her that you don't understand her life, if you say sorry without truly getting the subtext.

I expect it was sticky-out ears, and the OP's child said to her BFF "Baby's got the same sticky-out ears as you!". Innocent enough to the OP's child, but very hurtful to the BFF who is very self-conscious about her ears.

Reply, "Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. I'm so sorry xxx upset your daughter. For what it's worth, xxx genuinely meant no malice in her comments, though I agree it was an incredibly thoughtless thing to say (especially given this is not the first time xxx has said this). I will reinforce how inappropriate it is to make comments about people's appearance. Please let me know if there are any further concerns. Best regards" etc

It sounds as though this isn’t just a one off incident and there have been many small digs over the years and the mum has finally snapped.

I wonder if your child is a bit like my niece - absolutely lovely and a model student etc but has a nasty streak especially when she doesn’t get her own way or isn’t the centre of attention.

Your child whether intentionally or not has said things that has upset someone else.

The best thing you can do is apologise to the mum and that you’ll get your child to apologise and then make sure they stay away from each other.

Have a chat about not commenting on peoples appearance even if their comment is positive as some people can take it the wrong way.

You apologise to the Mum and talk to your child - not sure what other sort of advice you were looking for.

For what it’s worth, your OP is riddled with well/intentioned ‘right speak’ that you obviously think makes you sound like you’re doing the right thing, but was quite 😬 to read.

What was the word that could be perceived as negative?

Your child is rude to be pointing out a physical feature, apparently repeatedly. That is what needs addressing.

helpful reading

You say it isn’t race-related - but you also have, as others point out, other red flags in your post about your approach to racial issues which do suggest to me that it may well be a race-related microaggression. Eg “you’ve both got nice soft fluffy hair!” to a black child is (a) race-related and (b) incredibly patronising and offensive, and is really not a celebration of difference. You may as well post what was said as this is outing enough anyway to anyone who was actually involved, and then we can help you further. I also wonder like another poster whether the digs you’ve perceived about your own child are in fact attempts at correcting clumsy things they’ve said that have completely flown over your head.

It's not "outing" because you've name changed, haven't you?
This is too opaque, but I agree with pp - your child should know better at 11.

They've commented on a feature of a child but it's not "race related"? I think you're going to have to be specific.

Even if you have changed ages, genders, relationships… if the other parent reads this, it’s identifiable. So not sharing the actual comment makes me feel that you know it was inappropriate from an 11yo. That’s quite old enough not to make personal remarks - and it’s old enough too to understand that’s especially important around race. It may not fit for googled definition of bullying, but I think it’s a bit silly to focus on that rather than accept that your child was wrong and that “we don’t see colour” hasn’t stopped him being rude. Yes, bullying is repeated incidents and your child said it once. But if a child hears race related comments from multiple people - can you see that that has the effect of feeling like bullying?

OP, I say this nicely, but I'd be vey surprised if it's not race related. And you might not realise it as it does sound like you're a bit naive about this sort of thing.

I also think you should be taking it seriously. Your children are 11. In my experience, at this age, the children generally do not WANT their parents involved in their little arguments and disputes and I'm guessing therefore that this has been going on for a long time and your dc's friend is just tired of it.

The fact that the other parents aren't suggesting that their child cancel their relationship with yours completely, suggests that they are aware that it might be ignorance or cluelessness or thoughtlessness or that they they think here's enough positive aspects of the relationship to maintain it. But it is, nonetheless, serious.

I speak as someone who came to realise over the last few months that her 11 year old's best friend is not always a good and positive influence on him. We don't want DS to abandon the relationship but we've had to do a lot of work with him to help him understand what is and is not okay from his friend and how to respond at certain times.

I have very curly hair.

It has been commented on all my life. Every week someone says:

"I love your hair - I bet you hate it though don't you?"

It made me realise most people assume society hates curly hair (presumably because of Irish/BAME connections) and believe themselves to be different because they 'love it'.

I am 48 and have experienced this sort of covert negative commentary all my life.

It sounds like your DD said whatever she said without any ill intention but the comment was overly personal and possibly went into territory about a physical difference relating to the friend's race. As other posters have said listen to what the parents have said and apologise. Even if it was made in innocence it has clearly caused upset.

Ring the dm up.
Say I'm so sorry and mortified that my dc has upset your dc and I will be having a chat about personal remarks. I give you full permission to call them out if you hear them do it again. Thank you for bringing this to my notice.
The dm wants to be heard.
You're super sensitive about you dc being called a bully so imagine how the BFF feels about name calling.

"I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me"

This is such a red flag to .e. It sounds like you have considered race. And while skin colour is of no consequence to you, it is often of consequence to us people of colour because we are judged by it, doors are closed because if it. Comments are made .... The friend has experiences that shape his outlook to life. You can't minimise that. And you need to see colour to be able to learn what racism is and what it does to people. Even "compliments" can often be drenched with racism. Perhaps BFF's parents should have called it racism rather than bullying? In your shoes I would apologies without explanation or minimising. And I would talk with DC (and learn myself)

This is good advice