BFFs parent has accused DC of being a bully

[Worriedmum247]

NC as potentially outing. Looking for input for how to respond to parent.

Out of the blue lengthy email from parent of BFF yesterday accusing DC of bullying on play date and other times. BFFs cousin (age 2.5 I think) also present. Example given was DC bluntly pointed out that a physical attribute on the cousin was the same as BFFs-as an example think shape of nose but using an adjective that could be perceived as negative. Also said this comment was made during previous school year though no complaints made to school or myself.

DC found other child utterly lovely and was really taken with them. DC thought the physical attribute was cute. I have absolutely no doubt that there was no malice in the comment whatsoever. DC was just commenting on the physical attribute though I can see how the comment might not be well received.

Parent referenced bullying at a previous school as a result of skin colour.
I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me and DC has been raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences.

DC has no history of bullying and never before been accused of being one. Model child at school, has won recognition for good behaviour; teachers always comment on DCs kindness.

I have in the past noticed subtle (and minor) passive aggressive comments from BFF towards DC but have dismissed them as children growing up and working out how to express themselves ; it seems churlish to point them out now.

Bullying is defined by the ABA as:
“the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group”.

Isn’t calling this bullying an exaggeration?

I’m not trying to suggest that DC hasn’t made these comments but I think they have been made more as observations rather than any intention to harm. I can of course discuss with DC and explain how comments have caused upset.

How should I respond to the parent?

That's sort of the whole point though, traffic would have stopped on page one if op had just said it was something as innocuous as teeth because most people wouldn't have considered it remotely bullying.

@Uk38
Actually that's not the whole point.

I made it clear more than once it was not a racial comment which was ignored.

Your still trying to deny that.

Nope, you are wrong, it went straight to racism. She stated it was a non racial characteristic, I don't know how much clearer that can be.

How ott to send an email about that! I think some parents now are teaching their kids that taking offence is essential. “Teasing” and downright rudeness are unkind and not acceptable, but by squealing about every personal observation will give their kids the idea that there is something wrong with their appearance - or even race.

I had terrible teeth and was horribly bullied and called names by kids at school. Then when I was a teenager I had train track braces which was quite a new thing then. I did some babysitting, and afterwards the (posh) woman rang up and said I wouldn’t be needed again because her dd was traumatised by my “metal mouth”. I was so embarrassed and wouldn’t go out in public afterwards.

As a PP pointed out (which I already knew) gap between teeth is a linked to ethnicity.

Plenty of other PPs have pointed out just because you don't realise a characteristic is common amongst particularly ethnicities, and so they are use to being stereotyped on it, it doesn't mean you aren't being hurtful.

Oh and OP you haven't outed yourself by saying gap between teeth so you could have said it in your first post.

The way you write is so cringe-worthy, OP.

Is this how you talk in real life?

You realise you are contradicting yourself here though? (and I don't mean this in a mean way btw)

Maybe had your mum written some emails (appreciating things were different when you were young) you wouldn't have been bullied. And if the woman you babysat for had been pulled up on her behaviour as a child then you wouldn't have been embarrassed to go out in public after her comments?

@phishy
"Is this how you talk in real life?"

Politely? Yes.

For those who refuse to take me at my word and simply cannot rest until they know what the comment was dc said;

“Your cousin has the same big gap in his front teeth as you”
Yet in your op you claim your dc thought it was "cute". Like Hell he did, it was a personal remark that an 11 year old should have known well not to make.
All that verbose nonsense insisting that it was purely innocent and the boy was over reacting 🙄

I do think front teeth gaps are often cute. Wouldn’t say it to anyone as an adult but I do understand a bit better now. I think it’s a misuse of the word bullying in this case. It was said out of ignorance and not malice.

I think it’s a good learning moment for your DC. But I’m sure we had all similar comments made to us as children and our parents never got involved.

If the thread has gone quiet it might be because we’re trying to work out how to respond to the teeth gap comment.

I had a gap and hated it so had braces to reduce it. So for me it wouldn’t have been a compliment, not bullying to point it out but maybe unnecessary.

But other posters might say gaps are lovely and how dare people insinuate that there’s anything wrong with a gap.

Anyway: not bullying, but any personal comment outside of “wow you look gorgeous” is probably a no. And even “wow you look gorgeous” could be seen as harassment, depending, so actually that’s probably a no too.

How could it not be? Well it could be a feature that is generally regarded as positive. Not sure why you assume that all inherited aspects would be likely to be perceived as negative.

It’s not a feature that’s specific to race though. It’s not uncommon in people generally, regardless of race.

I wouldn’t comment on it, and the OP’s DS has to learn that people are sensitive about their appearance, but the kid is not racist for mentioning it!

Gap teeth are said to be very lucky, always been a positive thing in my experience.

@Worriedmum247

I’m glad you got it sorted - I think the best thing in a situation like this is just to speak with the parent so I’m glad you managed to.

Also…irrelevant, but I have a little tooth gap too lol. I’ve never thought of it as good or bad, but then I have pretty tiny teeth so you don’t really see the gap much when I’m talking.

@unname odd that some scholars say different....

It is - more than double the prevalence in black children as in white.

It’s also fashionable in France but that’s by the by.

I can see why the mother was sensitive about it. I can also see why an 11 year old wouldn’t make a connection with race.

However, as Alice said: “You should learn not to make personal remarks… it’s very rude”. It’s a good rule of thumb for life.

“Your cousin has the same big gap in his front teeth as you”

That’s rude, trying to justify it saying they like that in someone else isn’t going to change the fact it’s rude and your child shouldn’t have kept saying it.

Yup. Very rude.

The only bullying on here is towards the op give it a rest.

The remark was insensitive and it has been brought to her son’s attention. He is only 11 years old and still learning but @phishy what is your excuse as an adult?