BFFs parent has accused DC of being a bully

[Worriedmum247]

NC as potentially outing. Looking for input for how to respond to parent.

Out of the blue lengthy email from parent of BFF yesterday accusing DC of bullying on play date and other times. BFFs cousin (age 2.5 I think) also present. Example given was DC bluntly pointed out that a physical attribute on the cousin was the same as BFFs-as an example think shape of nose but using an adjective that could be perceived as negative. Also said this comment was made during previous school year though no complaints made to school or myself.

DC found other child utterly lovely and was really taken with them. DC thought the physical attribute was cute. I have absolutely no doubt that there was no malice in the comment whatsoever. DC was just commenting on the physical attribute though I can see how the comment might not be well received.

Parent referenced bullying at a previous school as a result of skin colour.
I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me and DC has been raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences.

DC has no history of bullying and never before been accused of being one. Model child at school, has won recognition for good behaviour; teachers always comment on DCs kindness.

I have in the past noticed subtle (and minor) passive aggressive comments from BFF towards DC but have dismissed them as children growing up and working out how to express themselves ; it seems churlish to point them out now.

Bullying is defined by the ABA as:
“the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group”.

Isn’t calling this bullying an exaggeration?

I’m not trying to suggest that DC hasn’t made these comments but I think they have been made more as observations rather than any intention to harm. I can of course discuss with DC and explain how comments have caused upset.

How should I respond to the parent?

I don't think people can measure how serious it may have been without you telling us exactly what she has said.
But what I think is, if someone was hurt and took offence about comments made about them, first response of the parents should be speaking to the child, not asking people if the word bullying is ott or not.

Tbh, this thread is quite telling. If you really thought the word she used was not offensive, with or without malice, you could have stated. But being vague suggests you know the answer.

Irish child dancers have perms.

Well I'm not sure how it can be wrong for something that upsets people to go out of fashion?

People including children need to see colour (to deny the colour of people's skin IS racist, since it is an integral part of them) so that they know it makes no difference to who the person is. People have different experiences depending on what colour they are and it might be that the language your DC is using is bordering on racist, from their point of view.
You as a parent should contact the other parent and apologise for your DC and explain that just maybe you got it wrong when teaching your child about equality and diversity but will try harder. Then re-educate both yourself and your DC that colour and faith do matter as they are very much part of the other person's life, culture and experience.

I think eleven year olds now full well that it’s not nice to comment on someone’s appearance unless it is to compliment.

So your eleven year old is either lacking in manners or was being nasty.

Either way they need a talking to, and a simple apology sent back to the parent. The child should also apologise in person.

*know not now. Doh!

Back in my day it was rags in your hair all night. Did make some lovely ringlets.

As the parent of a child with super curly hair, who often shares looks and comments of "oh god, the work required" with other parents of children with curly hair - I always assumed any negativity was based on the understanding that curly hair is much harder to look after. Certainly, even DD has noticed that her friends can brush their hair in minutes after swimming or whatever while for us it's an actual event. DH and I joke that she absolutely CAN use, " I have to wash my hair" as an excuse to get out of things.

Ummm, why is your dc making comments about someones appearance? I think young children, lets say age 5 or so make comments and the parents then teach them not to comment on appearance unless it is positive such as - I like your hairstyle or your haircut looks nice. No - You have a big nose or your teeth are crooked. Or whatever a young child might say or point out during observation. At age 11, the child should know not to make a comment on the persons appearance, even if it is innocent such as you both have small eyes or big lips or whatever was the comment that was made. I would not call it bullying though, but you should teach your child not to comment on people's appearances full stop.

Well, you know, many people genuinely did intend only to compliment.

Yes but some people can be sensitive if their colour (or any physical feature) is commented on, even as a compliment. Others don’t expect people to tiptoe around their colour as if there is something wrong with it that should be whispered about and avoided. How can you know which type of person you’re talking to? You don’t, so should you never comment on someone physically, even as a compliment? Probably not…

And unfortunately while most people are genuinely being nice, I do think that some “complimentary” comments may not be quite what they seem.

You child hurt another child's feelings.
That's all that matters.

Just because your DC is a model child to you and in front of teachers doesn't mean they can't be mean to other children when no one is around.

I do know yes. I'm not sure how that's relevant unless you are more concerned with the compliment givers feelings than the compliment receivers feelings though

The opening post makes uncomfortable reading as it seems clear that your child has, intentionally or otherwise, upset this child and their family with clumsy and inconsiderate comments.

You would do well to apologise, unreservedly and dropping the defensive attitude.

People have already shared some links which should help in explaining why your ‘colour blind’ stance is supremely unhelpful. This could be a really good learning opportunity for both you and your child if handled appropriately.

Also, as a parent to a biracial child with beautiful corkscrew curls that (white) people cannot stop commenting on or trying to touch - it’s very rarely welcome and is generally intrusive and othering.

Learn to do better. Just because your intention was benign doesn’t mean the impact was positive.

People are becoming more aware of how their compliments can affect others so most people have stopped doing it. But it’s one more nice human interaction removed. Surely you can see that’s a loss for at least some people, including people who did enjoy the compliments. No need to be so aggressive.

I'm not being aggressive, I am literal and factual.

But your post proves my point. Which is that if it is a loss for people who enjoy giving compliments e.g. they give compliments to make themselves feel good as much as to make other people feel good, then its less about the person receiving the compliment than the person giving it.

And honestly if people can't have nice human interactions with those around them without commenting on their hair or their face or their body then as humans we are doing something wrong.

And 'one more nice human interaction', which other nice human interactions have we lost?

Hurt has been caused, that’s the bottom line. Whatever it is you need to take action and deal with it, and accept someone has been hurt.

I’ve just had to move my kid schools because a parent is completely ignorant to her sons bullying. My child’s mental health is utter shit. The parent had a job to do, she didn’t do it.

Giving gifts is as much about the giver as the receiver too - should that stop?

You definitely sound like someone who would take offence no matter what.

Ignore some of the bonkers comments on here, be brief, apologise if you child’s behaviour has upset his friend and say you’ll speak to him. Don’t admit anything in print, and leave it at that.

Well your comparison is giving gifts that you don't know whether the receiver will like and you know there is a fair chance it might upset them, is that really a good gift giver?

And no I am not easily offended, you are projecting a lot of emotion on to me that I am just not feeling. I am not aggressive, I am not offended, I am exactly as I stated a literal and factual person.

Definitely reply with this.

I think that you need to be careful here though, you say it’s not race related, and to you it may not be…but black and white people do have very different facial features.

if a child has been bullied or had racial issues in the past, and then a parent hears a comment about their ‘nose, lips, hair’ all of which could be very different to your daughters because of her ethnicity/heritage/colour, then it may be a huge red flag to them, and the reason her parents have reached out.

i don’t really feel like I am in the best place to offer advice on race issues, I’m white so haven’t ever faced any prejudice…but what I wonder, is do you have enough of a relationship with them for you to be able to (after fully apologising for your daughter and/or having her apologise) to actually ask them about the comments and what harm it can do. Being an ally is about asking the questions so you can understand and then be able to educate yourself and your daughter on the harm her comments could cause. I hope this is good advice, and genuinely, if there are people of colour who disagree about asking them, I would be interested to hear their thoughts on it.

As a parent of a child who is currently being bullied, just know it probably took an awful lot for her to write that message. Speak to her in person and then maybe you’ll know more.

At 11 DC should know not to make repeated comments about someone’s appearance. Good reminder before high school.
Will they still be seeing each other at new school? I’d be wary of friendship continuing as the parents seem very heavy handed - long email. Why not just say to your dc at time don’t say that it’s not kind or ask you to tell dc as it’s upsetting their child.

Not sure if it's deliberate or you genuinely don't understand my last comment but you are misrepresenting what I've said. I don't agree that @Minimalme made a leap; she made an observation. In fact I explained in quite a straightforward way (I think) how I believe she has reached that conclusion. I do however think it's completely out of order and a huge stretch for you to accuse her of racism. I assume that your final sentence is not a question that you're asking in good faith because that point has been addressed in simple terms already.