BFFs parent has accused DC of being a bully

[Worriedmum247]

NC as potentially outing. Looking for input for how to respond to parent.

Out of the blue lengthy email from parent of BFF yesterday accusing DC of bullying on play date and other times. BFFs cousin (age 2.5 I think) also present. Example given was DC bluntly pointed out that a physical attribute on the cousin was the same as BFFs-as an example think shape of nose but using an adjective that could be perceived as negative. Also said this comment was made during previous school year though no complaints made to school or myself.

DC found other child utterly lovely and was really taken with them. DC thought the physical attribute was cute. I have absolutely no doubt that there was no malice in the comment whatsoever. DC was just commenting on the physical attribute though I can see how the comment might not be well received.

Parent referenced bullying at a previous school as a result of skin colour.
I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me and DC has been raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences.

DC has no history of bullying and never before been accused of being one. Model child at school, has won recognition for good behaviour; teachers always comment on DCs kindness.

I have in the past noticed subtle (and minor) passive aggressive comments from BFF towards DC but have dismissed them as children growing up and working out how to express themselves ; it seems churlish to point them out now.

Bullying is defined by the ABA as:
“the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group”.

Isn’t calling this bullying an exaggeration?

I’m not trying to suggest that DC hasn’t made these comments but I think they have been made more as observations rather than any intention to harm. I can of course discuss with DC and explain how comments have caused upset.

How should I respond to the parent?

The whole point of name changing is so that you don’t need to be coy about the details of the situation.

Sounds like a weird overreaction on the other parents part - sending an email fgs? And the children are supposedly best friends? Very strange.

Cue 99% of MN telling the OP it MUST BE some kind of racist micro aggression on her kids part, despite her saying it was nothing of the kind.

And yet again the OP is frightened to come back...

OP - I would find it very strange and over-reactive if the parents of one of my dc's best friends decided to email and suggest my dc was a "bully" over one - whether it's innocuous or not - comment. They sound very sensitive and should've just had a conversation with you. It could all have been sorted if they'd just had a discussion with you. Sending an email is very passive-aggressive IMO.

Tell your child from now on not to mention anything about the other child's appearance, whether positive or otherwise as it may be misconstrued as they are obviously a sensitive sort. God help that child as they get older and go out into the wider world.

When my son was 4 he told a person with an Afro that she looked like a clown. As you can imagine it was horrifying! I didn’t tell him off but we started the conversation. Now he’s 10 he wouldn’t dream of commenting on someone’s looks like that. Your son may well not have been being malicious but you’ve not guided him well. Not too late to change though!

@Buythebag when you have had a lifetime of racism it isn't a weird over reaction.

Then again I'm likely older than the parent who emailed the OP so would tell her child to their face at the time that what they are saying is not only rude but racist, and if they wanted to visit my house again to quit saying it.

Picking out a personal attribute of someone of a different race could be seen as a kind of physical stereotyping. So this can be a learning point for your child.

The family may have had bad experience of racial bullying in the past.

I would just apologise and talk it through with DC.

But the OP said the comment had nothing to do with the child's race...why is everyone insisting it was a racist comment?

Maybe the OP's child said they both had the same sticky out ears or googly eyes? Not nice and to be admonished - but not racist.

My point is that to email over a comment made from one child to another who are supposedly "bff's" is strange and seems like an overreaction.

I agree that a rude comment about someone's appearance should be pulled up, even if not meant nastily.

Highlighting a nose or a mouth or a hairdo for example could potentially come across as having a racial element, even if that wasn’t the intention.

I think Op has said it was racist in the sense it wasn’t skin colour he pointed out but as people have said pointing out a particular physical aspect could be perceived as having a racist connotation even if that wasn’t intention eg fuzzy hair, big lips type comments. Without knowing what it was it’s hard to say. Whatever it was it’s upset friend and his parents and isn’t a one off comment.

‘When I said dc doesn’t see colour I meant dc doesn’t treat kids differently because of it’

This I where the issue lies - everyone sees colour and respond, even if subconsciously, to the fact. We are all influenced by skin colour, voice, mannerisms etc. I would encourage you look up unconscious biases and talk to your kids about this.

Why do they keep saying it is racism? Well once the pack starts down a certain track it is hard to turn them.

Is it a bit like a friend going on about how skinny a person is to them and how they are so lucky they can eat what they want etc. Not intrinsically bad as such but repeated constantly could upset the person and be seen as being unkind

Sounds like a weird overreaction on the other parents part - sending an email fgs? And the children are supposedly best friends? Very strange.

I find it very strange to point out that it was an overreaction by the other parent, without knowing what was said.

I have curly hair! Never once has anyone said ‘I bet you hate it’! How bizarre. I think folk make a lot of stuff up. Yep, it’s hard to manage but only ever had compliments/positive comments. I honestly don’t think the overall take is that people generally don’t like curly hair?! Bonkers.

And what “pack” is that?

Why did you need to research a dictionary definition of bullying?

Sounds like your daughter is a bully and you're in denial.

Some, not all, of the people I know and have known who are skinny have had medical conditions in one case leading to early death. So while things may not seem bad on the surface to you, you don't know what other people are dealing with.

Doesn't it depend on where you live, who you work with and who you mix with?

Someone I use to do sport with use to get loads of comments - not all positive - about her curly hair. The only time she didn't was when she was with out with a group of 8-10 of us who had curls of different types.

I think being offended by genuinely well-intentioned comments is setting yourself ( and your dcs) up for a rather miserable, defensive life. Dd’s friend, who is mixed race, has the most beautiful hair. If she were insulted every time people admired it she would have every day ruined.

Personal remarks, otoh, are never acceptable. “You’ve got the Smith family nose!” for example. Kids and adults too used to be blunter and crueller (don’t I know it) giving people appearance-based nicknames, but now that fortunately seems taboo.

I think an 11-year-old can be told firmly that unless you are giving a warm-hearted compliment, then never comment on a feature, whether it be freckles, hair, height or even big feet.

I assumed ancientgran meant the MN "pack", in general. Why, what did you get from it?

This, You've put not seeing colour and celebrating difference in the same sentence which is paradoxical. Seeing colour is vital.

Well, it has some very unfortunate overtones.

The way this thread has continued as bagging on OP for somehow being racist or not correctly anti-racist is absurd and irrelevant to her post.

“Oh my god, she said she doesn’t see Color, doesn’t she know that this year Twitter has told us we must emphasis that we DO see Color and we’re monsters if we don’t! (Until told to think otherwise)”

This last sentence😄
I was trying to think of a way to ask this earlier but couldn’t put it so well

I mean @LimpBiskit sums it up perfectly for me

And this.