BFFs parent has accused DC of being a bully

[Worriedmum247]

NC as potentially outing. Looking for input for how to respond to parent.

Out of the blue lengthy email from parent of BFF yesterday accusing DC of bullying on play date and other times. BFFs cousin (age 2.5 I think) also present. Example given was DC bluntly pointed out that a physical attribute on the cousin was the same as BFFs-as an example think shape of nose but using an adjective that could be perceived as negative. Also said this comment was made during previous school year though no complaints made to school or myself.

DC found other child utterly lovely and was really taken with them. DC thought the physical attribute was cute. I have absolutely no doubt that there was no malice in the comment whatsoever. DC was just commenting on the physical attribute though I can see how the comment might not be well received.

Parent referenced bullying at a previous school as a result of skin colour.
I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me and DC has been raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences.

DC has no history of bullying and never before been accused of being one. Model child at school, has won recognition for good behaviour; teachers always comment on DCs kindness.

I have in the past noticed subtle (and minor) passive aggressive comments from BFF towards DC but have dismissed them as children growing up and working out how to express themselves ; it seems churlish to point them out now.

Bullying is defined by the ABA as:
“the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group”.

Isn’t calling this bullying an exaggeration?

I’m not trying to suggest that DC hasn’t made these comments but I think they have been made more as observations rather than any intention to harm. I can of course discuss with DC and explain how comments have caused upset.

How should I respond to the parent?

It is very hard to give an opinion without knowing what your DC is supposed to have said and the route of thing you have heard their child saying. I would speak to your child about it, apologise, depending on what your child is accused of saying, and then I would not continue the play dates as none of the children or their parents will wish to continue them.

Route = type

You're being too defensive. Your DC is too old to excuse personal comments as innocent observations. You also have no way of knowing if the parent has already raised this issue with the school.

It's interesting that they have put it in writing. Be very conscious of what you say if you reply in kind. It's probably better to call them. Thank them for the email and for bringing this to you and tell them you will speak to your DC.

Then teach your DC not to make personal comments, explain about bullying and work out a suitable consequence. Obviously your DC shouldn't be having playdates until they can prove they know how to behave.

BFF best friend forever

11!!!! that's not cute

we should see skin colour btw

you need to have a good talk with your pre teen and quickly

DC bluntly pointed out that a physical attribute on the cousin was the same as BFFs-as an example think shape of nose but using an adjective that could be perceived as negative.

and

DC found other child utterly lovely and was really taken with them. DC thought the physical attribute was cute. I have absolutely no doubt that there was no malice in the comment whatsoever. DC was just commenting on the physical attribute

We really need to know the negative adjective here. As it is it comes across as though your DC said something awful that you’re wilfully overlooking: how can you claim no malice, just commenting, and DC thought it was cute, when a negative adjective is involved?

Agree with others: apologise, simply, and reflect.

You can quote the ABA exactly but don't quote your child exactly. Very telling.

You write in a really odd way. It's either that you are being very vague to protect the innocent or to muddy the waters so you can feel better.

I find it interesting/telling that you’ve chosen not to tell us what adjective your DD used to describe her friend’s and small cousin’s noses, so on that bases I think you are more than likely being unreasonable and that you should teach your DC manners.

Did your child tell a BAME child they have a big nose?

This. It's also incredibly patronizing. Like you're saying, "we know you're not white but we're prepared to overlook it."

@MrsTerryPratchett has it spot on.

How can she 'celebrate difference' if she can't see it?

It’s a singular comment. Maybe it was bullying in that moment. So what? Kids make mean comments all the time is it really worth posting about on Mumsnet to be told that your not well versed up in the current (for now) proper way not to be racist? The answer is no.

Just tell your kid to stay away from this kid and don’t comment on them as they are either overly sensitive or else your kid is being a bit of a jerk - as kids can be.

This is perfect…

Don’t dismiss your friend, when I first read your OP I thought you were talking about 5 year olds, the fact he is 11, well that changes everything and maybe you need to hear and take on what the other parent is saying.

As a parent we don’t want to know or admit our kids aren’t perfect but it’s also irresponsible to not take action when we find out they are being in fact a bully

I have an 11 year old. I remember once at age 5 - she pointed out a birthmark on a friends arm. It was done in a curiosity way, but I had a very strong conversation with her afterwards. At age 11 - I wouldn’t think it was acceptable at all if she pointed something like that out.

I would thank her for the email, and her observations. I think if someone is hurt by the actions of another, you DO need to have a big conversation with DD. Bullying is a strong term, and without more info (several times on purpose) I think it’s not possible to say.

Its secondary school next year. I can remember my less attractive physical attributes being pointed out - and - when hitting puberty etc, it can be incredibly hurtful - to the point that I spent years obsessing over my slightly sticky out ears, considering plastic surgery, never wanting to tie my hair back. At about age 35 - I realised they were fine, But that all stemmed from comments as I went through secondary school.
o

If BFF does mean Best Friend forever..
Why are they feeling the need to email?

It'd be a word in person over coffee.

This whole story is bizarre.

In your OP, I thought the kids would be between 4-6 and I'm shocked to hear he's 11. He's definitely old enough to know better.
What is it that he said?

Age 11 it is patronising to comment on someone's physical appearance and say its because its cute. Like you have sticky out ears, its cute. Nip it in the bud before you raise a bully.

OP hasn't said it was actually the shape of their nose, just said it was like saying that, so I'm assuming it could be the shape of their eyes, and your DC used a 'negative' term, bloody hell surely they didn't say their friend had slanty or slitty eyes and you're trying to excuse it?!

It wasn’t about the nose, it was “another feature” so hair, skin, lips or eyes.

Oversensitive is commonly used to dismiss valid feelings.

Bullying is repeated behaviour intended to cause distress.

Personally I would not classify this incident as bullying but what matters is that the friend did, the child felt hurt enough to talk to her mum about it after.

It doesn’t mean that what was said was designed to hurt but we can all unwittingly hurt others and it’s good to talk through upsets so everyone can move on.

Handled well this might strengthen the friendship.

At 11 pointing out physical characteristics is unacceptable and will feel like bullying, in my opinion it is bullying. Also at 'don't see colour'.

I also think the comment/ attribute is important information

Thanks for all replies and to those who pointed out dc should know better. I will definitely be having a chat with dc.

The comment was not race related.
I mentioned race it simply because the parent had mentioned their DCs experience in a previous school.

When I said dc doesn’t see colour I meant dc doesn’t treat kids differently because of it.

I haven’t said what the comment was as potentially outing but tried to come up with a similar example but definitely not race related.

I'm going to assume that they mentioned the hair if s black child and used a word like frizzy.

11 is far too old to make comments about appearance. I wouldn't say it was bullying but I can see how the comment might cause embarrassment or make someone self conscious.

Also raising your child not to see colour is a major red flag. It was a popular way to raise kids in the 70s/80s but considered insensitive these days as it imposes the idea that white norms should be normal for everyone and instead of pretending that everyone is the same, we should become more knowledgeable about other cultures.

It's a shame that they emailed rather than spoke to you. It's possible that they find it easier to express themselves that way but I'd be disappointed that the children's close friendship hadn't resulted in them feeling close enough to talk to you. Are the children moving up to the same secondary school? (I'm assuming that they are year 6 rather than year 7)

Sorry x-post
But not commenting on appearance whether it's curly hair, freckles or whatever is for the best.