BFFs parent has accused DC of being a bully

[Worriedmum247]

NC as potentially outing. Looking for input for how to respond to parent.

Out of the blue lengthy email from parent of BFF yesterday accusing DC of bullying on play date and other times. BFFs cousin (age 2.5 I think) also present. Example given was DC bluntly pointed out that a physical attribute on the cousin was the same as BFFs-as an example think shape of nose but using an adjective that could be perceived as negative. Also said this comment was made during previous school year though no complaints made to school or myself.

DC found other child utterly lovely and was really taken with them. DC thought the physical attribute was cute. I have absolutely no doubt that there was no malice in the comment whatsoever. DC was just commenting on the physical attribute though I can see how the comment might not be well received.

Parent referenced bullying at a previous school as a result of skin colour.
I have encouraged the friendship as skin colour of no consequence to me and DC has been raised to be kind not see colour etc and to celebrate differences.

DC has no history of bullying and never before been accused of being one. Model child at school, has won recognition for good behaviour; teachers always comment on DCs kindness.

I have in the past noticed subtle (and minor) passive aggressive comments from BFF towards DC but have dismissed them as children growing up and working out how to express themselves ; it seems churlish to point them out now.

Bullying is defined by the ABA as:
“the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group”.

Isn’t calling this bullying an exaggeration?

I’m not trying to suggest that DC hasn’t made these comments but I think they have been made more as observations rather than any intention to harm. I can of course discuss with DC and explain how comments have caused upset.

How should I respond to the parent?

In the same situation I just thanked the parent for bringing it to my attention, that I would speak to DC and take any appropriate action. In our case, DC admitted it, he was disciplined and asked to apologise. I let the mum know so she knew her DC was telling the truth and that my DC would not be doing it again.

When you are told (hundreds of times over a lifetime) that "I bet you must hate it", yes it does leave you with the impression that people think curly hair is undesirable.

People aren't that interested in you or your hair. They say the first thing that comes into their head - wow what great hair. Then they remember that the last time they complimented someone on curls they complained about the difficulties of brushing it or something and read that into your hesitation. Or just the fact that grass is always greener. Much more likely than some convoluted reverse backhanded racism.

It always amuses me when threads about racism are turned into 'woe is me' threads by white people.

Having curly hair gives you no insight into racism experienced by BAME people.

OMG. My fist thought was you arenone of those people who says they can't be racist because they have black friends.
Others have already said this but 11 years old is quite an age to understand right from wrong. My kids were corrected much younger than this age. Children of 11 do see colour and pretending you celebrate diversity is so patronising.
Please just accept the hurt and talk to your child. Racism can be a one off comment and is still hurtful regardless of whether or not it was malicious.

I am glad you explained, I thought Best Friends Father :)

The attack pack. Doesn't matter how many times the OP says it wasn't anything to do with race it's still racism to the attack pack.

I don't understand what overtones it would have, a group of people attacking OP regardless.

Are these attacks or different perspectives on racism?

The posters pointing out where racism may have been perceived (even if OP considered none had been intended) may be poc themselves. So how wise do you think it is to label them as a “pack”?

I think it is an attack because it doesn't matter what she says about the remark some people have decided it was a racist remark, not that it might be but that it was. I don't assume what colour people might be, they could be any ethnicity.

As an example my DD is mixed race and she got bullied about lips and nose. Like the woman who contacted the OP it made my very aware of bullying but not all bullying was about her colour, for example she wore a brace and comments about that made me watch out for bullying but it wasn't racist. So I understand that mother's reaction, although some people think she was OTT, but if the OP says the remark was nothing to do with race then I think we should accept that as she knows more about it than we do.

Reading between the lines it also seems to me that the mum is noticing a race based difference that your child is pointing out. If the trait that the cousin and bff supposedly share is a stereotype of their race the child and mum might feel uncomfortable. Your DC at 11 shouldn't really be commenting on physical appearance so maybe have a gentle word and see if you can solve with mum in person.

It’s perfectly possible for OP not to have considered a remark about a certain part of the anatomy to have racial connotations to some people. And it’s perfectly possible for someone to take offence at a possible meaning when it was not intended.

If you want to take OP’s comments at face value that’s fine, it doesn’t mean posters who don’t are on the attack.

At 11 you are definitely being unreasonable.

They're too old for silly young kids not knowing what's socially acceptable to say to people.

I think it is an attack because it doesn't matter what she says about the remark some people have decided it was a racist remark, not that it might be but that it was.

How could it not be? Some inherited aspect of personal appearance, that the daughter thinks is cute but that might generally be perceived as negative. That is unusual enough to be mentioned repeatedly? Chubby cheeks, small eyes, big nose, big lips, boofy hair or whatever. How could pointing out such features on a person of a different race somehow avoid being about race and othering them?

Also, how did the op know her daughter thinks it's cute when they haven't discussed the incident yet? She must be talking about it a lot?

Thanks to all who’ve properly read my posts and offered considered advice.

@ellatella thank you -you said it so much better than me.

@Buythebag
I also thought it was odd and ott to send an email but this is the first time I’ve been in this position and was genuinely seeking advice when I posted. Yes they are best friends. I can understand the sensitivity of the parent which is why I mentioned it in my OP.

@Sparklybutold
If as you say that I am influenced buy colour etc and respond subconsciously then I’m guilty-of making sure that child is always included and not left out. I have used language here that the kids are taught in school.

I posted on here for opinions because I want to address this with my dc. I am not trying to excuse DCs comment but rather hope that he can learn from it.

Sadly much of what I said was misconstrued and subsequently criticised; many jumping to conclusions and making accusations. I mentioned race and suddenly DC had made a racist comment even though I was very clear that this was not the case.
Statements about dc being a model student have somehow translated to dc being nasty or a bully.
Suggestions were made that I myself may be racist and also bad parent for not teaching this to my dc earlier. You must all be perfect parents with perfect children who never say or do anything out of turn.

For those who refuse to take me at my word and simply cannot rest until they know what the comment was dc said;

“Your cousin has the same big gap in his front teeth as you”

DC has an older half brother who he looks up to who has the same attribute and I think dc thought he was complimenting his friend.

When a child misunderstands something or does something wrong as parents we sit down and discuss with them rather than criticise and accuse. As adults we are quick to talk about kindness but rarely express it to others.

With the amount of negative comments on here I would question who the actual bullies are.

I’m often asked where I get my ‘exotic’ looks from and whether my parents are English.
Is this racist? Is it bullying? I don’t believe it is. Am I offended? I am not. It appears as a society we are no longer allowed to question and educate ourselves anymore for fear of offending.

On a positive note, I caught up with friends dad this evening and we had a chat and was able to clear the air.

Chubby cheeks, small eyes, big nose, big lips, boofy hair or whatever. How could pointing out such features on a person of a different race somehow avoid being about race and othering them?

Whao!

Your description sounds like there are features you strongly dislike about some races.

My granddaughter is much admired for those very features. We don't have any problem with people complimenting her.

www.buzzfeednews.com/article/syreetamcfadden/revelations-about-being-brown-in-a-world-of-white-beauty

All of which would easily have been avoided if you'd just said what the comment was in the first place. It was hardly a big deal.

All of which would easily have been avoided if you'd just said what the comment was in the first place. It was hardly a big deal.

Or, just spitballing here, people could have taken the OP at her word.

@Worriedmum247 The email was over the top. But it’s probably a good chance to explain to your kid that people get worked up about things all the time, sometimes it’s justified and other times it’s not. If it’s brought to your attention and you feel bad then apologize sincerely. If you don’t then accept it may ruin friendships.

Oh my god, still trying to keep up the badgering the OP to get a good fight going.

Well no, they have wigs!! Imagine having that level of a perm and trying to be a serious teenager. 😁🙄And @Outlyingtrout where on earth did you find the data that irish people tend to have curly hair as a genetic trait. News to me. For what it is worth to anyone with curls, I love them and no, I don't have them.

@Outlyingtrout @Minimalme I have curly hair and my sister has silky, straight hair. I grew up in south asia, where people have straight, wavy, curly hair. Right from childhood, I have received unkind comments on my hair by people of my race - family, friends, classmates, etc. In my culture, generally straight hair are considered the most beautiful, the kind most East Asians have. I do think universally straight hair is considered the most beautiful. It does not bother me at all now.
Not sure why some people have this urge to comment on other people's appearances. It's very unthoughtful and shallow.
Op, apologise to the parents and explain your dc that it's insensitive to comment on appearances, even when it is nit intentional.

So ironic, on a thread about bullying, so many posters insist they know better than OP if the comment was race related. How about all these posters also google to see if insisiting I know better than you about your intentions and actions/ experineces when I wasn't even present there is bullying or not.

I agree @Lalalolol. Every single thread on here devolves into pages of utter crap being spouted on race and privilege and somehow this one degenerated into a whole debate on curly hair. The traffic on the post stops when the issue turns out to be teeth, because everybody was waiting for that old bandwagon to jump on and somehow it just lost a wheel.