Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

[Ultrafrustrated]

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

backstory

Im an older male who met his younger partner through mutual friends there is a 12 year age gap. i retired early as i have declared income that lets me live well

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver.

I am moderatly autistic

when I met my partner her child was at a private school which she couldnt afford and also wasnt meeting the childs needs and start of lockdown she and child moved into my home (she had to work and had no other childcare options)

following lockdown 1 she decided to place the child at the local school and live with me full time and things seemed to be going ok

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

partner had asked to speak to head about childs history pre me and explain a few things( abusive ex)

In the December we were reported to social services for

telling child of for running out infront of a car.
Not feeding child properly (we had documented evidence of the food she eats which is beyond waitrose territory as I love to cook and almost every meal is home made from raw ingredients)
affecting child anxiety by asking how her day was
that Child calls me daddy at Childs request.

So in my mind for basic normal parenting

So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

It was stressfull as hell but we though things were over. Especially as they were picking every facet of the relationship to probe into (finances, property ownership, the nature of it, how we met, the childs relation to me and a hundred other highly invasive other things)

I now have a serious trust issue with the school because well lots of the claims were based on outright lies and misrepresentation but the school refused to even consider they MAY be in the wrong and offer even a slightest apology

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I get the facts from Child and calm Child down and take Child home to my partner who also works out whats going on, gets fluids into Child
and calms child down and gets food for child

the next day she speaks to the teacher about the lack of fluid consumption as it was seriously detrimental to have it thrown back at her
as teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack

also goes of on a tangent that the after school club Child
goes to she doesnt like and doesnt join in with which isnt the case but seemed to be only deflection away from a genuine concern about well being

so today my partner had a long conversation with the school yet again questioning the home relationship and am I abusive etc etc etc

they have informed social services AGAIN Because In my view and in my partners view AND other parent who was sat at the same table I
parented and saw there was an issue and asked normal voice questions to find out whats going on to solve or understand it.

now the Head frankly hates me and I think the rest of the school has taken a lead from him.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

there is a section of the parents who live in total fear of him as he is constantly harassing vulnerable people and questioning how they live and they school seems to cycle through them and we are now top of the list

I suspect that he is abusing his position and social services to harass those he does not consider worthy of being there (its a small wealthy village)
and I know of several persons who have removed children from the school and the area as a result of him.

What are my options as he has just finished harrassing another person and it looks like we are next in line.

I cant imagine why a school would want to/have the time to harrass a parent unless they had concerns.

I cannot say anything about your specific situation but schools aiding and abetting SS are not unheard of.

Friends of ours were subject to a malicious allegation to SS.

The school chipped in with a claim that the father of the family had barged into school and threated staff members.

The father of the family gave the school ample chance to retract the lie but they persisted. However, the father was working with me that day and we were both caught multiple times on CCTV, before, during and after the time of the alleged incident.

Agreed. Sounds stressful though.

Why do you think the other person though the head would have an issue with you?

For some reason, I feel this holds the answer to many other questions.

I think you might be coming across a lot more aggressive than you think you are. What would school gain by lying about you?

Once in a while I would have agreed.

But I went through this with my sons secondary academy.

Not SS but rather with his send and until a judge ripped the senco a new one in court I actually began to believe I was a terrible parent.

The best you can do is be open and honest with SS. Do everything they ask and when you collect child make sure any questions etc are asked away from school. Don't allow them to see or hear anything they can twist.

Who was it who approached you on the first day and spoke to you? How did they know who you were and what child you were with? What would they possibly have sour grapes about before you'd even met them?

I'm wondering if part of this is to do with the fact that you don't have parental responsibility for this child but seem to be doing the majority of the parenting.

How long were you together for before she moved in?

I think perhaps how you think you’re coming across ‘normal parenting’ is actually reading as more aggressive than you think.

if you’re on the spectrum this is a common enough social issue that many with ASD can encounter - are you properly diagnosed? Do you have access to support that can help you determine whether your tone etc is appropriate in these situations or not?

It’s always best to start with what you can control when looking to solve conflict - you are in a conflict with the school, so the best place to start is honestly examining your own behaviour first. It seems to me you’ve jumped to assuming the school is malicious (which could be the case) without first doing your due diligence on what might you be doing to cause the friction.

wind back a bit and reflect and I imagine you’ll likely go some way to finding your answer.

Why did “someone” feel in advance that the headteacher would have an issue with you?

You need to raise a grievance against the head in accordance with their complaints policy. At best this is over zealous safeguarding but at worst this is vexatious.

there would be a process with the governors. Not a lot more you can do if you want to stay at the school.

If you have concerns about the Head, you could contact the Chair of Governors.
But it is pretty unlikely that the school is contacting SS as part of a personal vendetta. The school has a duty to children in it's care, and if they think there is cause for concern, it is better expressed than not.
There are things which you have described as normal which are actually red flags - eg having the child call you Dad : whether the child has requested that or not , it is inappropriate in what seems to be a comparatively new relationship. Forgive me if I have read this wrong, but it sounds as if the chid was already at school when the relationship started, and is still in primary school now.
In state schools, there are rarely sufficient staff to monitor whether and how much a child is drinking. If there is a 1:1 , they would be able to support with this, but otherwise, children don't get individual monitoring for something like this unless the school know there is a specific problem - so a child with a particular health problem might have this flagged up with a doctors letter, or following a meeting with the SENDCO, but in normal circumstances, the children will be reminded to drink as a class, and will have water on their tables at lunchtime. I would not expect that a teacher in sole charge of 30 children has the capacity to check each individual child. In most schools the children have their water bottles available and can refill them at break time, or on request. If we are talking about a child older than 5 or so, I would expect them to know when they are thirsty.
So I wonder if your query was felt to be slightly aggressive, as your account of it and subsequent comment reads that way.
I too wonder why the other parent thought the head would have an issue with you.

You sound waaay too over involved in someone else’s parenting frankly. This is not your child and you should step back and let the parent deal with school. No way should you have allowed the child to call you Dad either. There are too my red flags to mention here, no wonder school are concerned 😱

I had a neighbour who worked in my DC school tell the head teacher there was a problem in my house after I complained about my child being bullied and the local authority got involved . There are d some malicious People about

Please do a SAR request to the school and local authority. This will tell you exactly who started it all.

sorry you are going through this

thats not fair about calling him dad-the child clearly feels comfortable with op and wants to use the term

i would either pull the child from the school or put in a official complaint

If school is that bad then surely you move schools 🤷‍♀️.

Knowing how overworked school staff and social services are I can’t imagine this is happening due to the head just wanting to do it to harass you. I’m not saying the head is correct in their thoughts of you but I think you need to accept that they genuinely think there’s an issue.

From my (professional ) knowledge of safeguarding and child protection schools will make referrals to SS where a child says something indicating an offence has been committed eg “my dad hits me” or where evidence of abuse is seen eg bruising, poorly dressed, lots of unexplained absences etc. My main issue has been NOT referring as early as I would have wanted. In this case I would be on guard initially about the speed in which your partner moved in with you and the fact you seem to be dealing with the school for issues which the child’s mother should be dealing ( why would you speak to them about her abusive ex). I think you may be unwittingly coming across as controlling.

Does the child's parent want her to move to a different school? That is one possibility.
If not then all you can do is make sure you give them nothing to worry about. There's no reason to interrogate a child about how much they had to drink as soon as they come out of school. Just say hello, take them home,offer a drink and snacks. Then later on you (or child's mother) can ask why they didn't eat lunch or encourage them to drink more etc.
I can see how you might be coming across as quite harsh, and getting over involved in things that are not your responsibility . I suggest taking a back seat with the parenting. Act like a kind babysitter and leave all decisions to the child's mother.

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

What are you talking about? You haven't explained this bit. What 'issues'?

YWBU about the water - teachers don’t monitor how much their pupils drink. The child had water, she could have drunk it if she’d wanted to and rather than ‘investigating’ how much she’d drink it would have been better to tell her to have a drink on the way home.

Its highly unlikely the headteacher has it in for you - they don’t have time to fabricate concerns.

How old is the child? Does the mother drop/collect from school at all?

Do you have any prior history with the school or its staff?

Staff really don't have time to monitor how much 30 children have drunk that day. What usually happens is that the children will be given reminders during the day to have a drink or to take their water bottles outside with them.

In the incident you describe, it would probably have been better to give the child a drink from when they came out of school and deal with any questions there. If you think they haven't had enough to drink, remind them again when you drop them off at school.

Sometimes it's not what an adult/parent does but how they do it. Do you, for example, have a naturally loud voice? (No judgement there. My DH's normal speaking voice is loud enough for half the street to hear sometimes!). If so, your questioning and the warning to look out for the car could be interpreted by others as you shouting at your partner's child.

The other thing to consider is that it's highly unlikely that a call to SS was made purely on the basis of what the Headteacher saw/heard. Other members of staff or even parents may well have spoken to someone about concerns they may have had.

Who is the ‘someone’ who walked up to you and warned you the head would have ‘issues’ with you? Why did they say that was?

In what way do you think the school are trying to ‘change how you live’ through intimidation?

It sounds to me like the way you spoke to the child over the water (and possibly over the car and about how her day has been) has caused some concern. If you’re autistic is it possible that what you think is normal has been interpreted by others as aggression?