Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

[Ultrafrustrated]

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

backstory

Im an older male who met his younger partner through mutual friends there is a 12 year age gap. i retired early as i have declared income that lets me live well

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver.

I am moderatly autistic

when I met my partner her child was at a private school which she couldnt afford and also wasnt meeting the childs needs and start of lockdown she and child moved into my home (she had to work and had no other childcare options)

following lockdown 1 she decided to place the child at the local school and live with me full time and things seemed to be going ok

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

partner had asked to speak to head about childs history pre me and explain a few things( abusive ex)

In the December we were reported to social services for

telling child of for running out infront of a car.
Not feeding child properly (we had documented evidence of the food she eats which is beyond waitrose territory as I love to cook and almost every meal is home made from raw ingredients)
affecting child anxiety by asking how her day was
that Child calls me daddy at Childs request.

So in my mind for basic normal parenting

So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

It was stressfull as hell but we though things were over. Especially as they were picking every facet of the relationship to probe into (finances, property ownership, the nature of it, how we met, the childs relation to me and a hundred other highly invasive other things)

I now have a serious trust issue with the school because well lots of the claims were based on outright lies and misrepresentation but the school refused to even consider they MAY be in the wrong and offer even a slightest apology

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I get the facts from Child and calm Child down and take Child home to my partner who also works out whats going on, gets fluids into Child
and calms child down and gets food for child

the next day she speaks to the teacher about the lack of fluid consumption as it was seriously detrimental to have it thrown back at her
as teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack

also goes of on a tangent that the after school club Child
goes to she doesnt like and doesnt join in with which isnt the case but seemed to be only deflection away from a genuine concern about well being

so today my partner had a long conversation with the school yet again questioning the home relationship and am I abusive etc etc etc

they have informed social services AGAIN Because In my view and in my partners view AND other parent who was sat at the same table I
parented and saw there was an issue and asked normal voice questions to find out whats going on to solve or understand it.

now the Head frankly hates me and I think the rest of the school has taken a lead from him.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

there is a section of the parents who live in total fear of him as he is constantly harassing vulnerable people and questioning how they live and they school seems to cycle through them and we are now top of the list

I suspect that he is abusing his position and social services to harass those he does not consider worthy of being there (its a small wealthy village)
and I know of several persons who have removed children from the school and the area as a result of him.

What are my options as he has just finished harrassing another person and it looks like we are next in line.

Many people leave their children for childcare with providers they have known for a lot less than 4 months.

Well I don't know about you but I have NEVER used a childcare provider that was not properly qualified, vetted and inspected. And I've used nursery, childminder and after school club.
But you're right I hadn't known them for a lengthy time

It is not true that this is standard. Most reports are closed after a phone call or one visit. Three visits mean that Social Services thought they needed to investigate properly, so they thought there was a legitimate reason to look more closely at the situation. That concern may be that a vulnerable mother with an abusive ex let a man she had only known for four months move in and take over a lot of the care of her child.

And anyone who can not see the obvious concerns in this situation has little understanding of safeguarding.

Can you go to the governors?

And much of the "advice" from people who think the school might have a vendetta against the poster will simply make the school and Social Services more concerned.

Bonkers, isn't it?

Wonder if they've bothered reading the OPs comments properly, or if they've just jumped in with their "social services/schools = evil" rhetoric.

Makes you wonder what goes on in their homes, doesn't it?

I can believe that unfortunately sometimes people are wrongly and unfairly reported by schools and pursued by social services, but in this case (bearing in mind we have only heard one side with a lot of info missing) it doesn't seem that outrageous. A woman and her young daughter were subject to abuse, and then a man moves in extremely quickly and appears to be slotting himself in very quickly with some questionable interactions on school grounds. We also don't know what the child has been saying to school. Even if OP is the nicest bloke in the world chances are it's quite traumatic to go through such an upheaval in a short amount of time and following abuse. If the mother needs support there are perhaps better avenues for her to pursue.

There is no way there would have been three SS visits initially if they'd had no concerns.

Absolutely. Far too much detail in the OP. All of it designed to paint the OP as a victim and elicit sympathy for him. Its all about him. The OP seems to have problems with virtually everyone he comes into contact with. Lots of passive aggression.

Op, can you say more about the person who, on the first day, said the head would have issues with you? Did you know (of) this person or are they a complete stranger? Did the head know the dd and her mother (or father) socially before you got together?

If the above is no, then I can only assume its based on your appearance. Are you black? Are you a trans? Are you 70yrs old and partner 20yrs? Those are the obvious appearance ones but anything similar? Otherwise that scenario does not make any sense at all. I think finding that out is your starting point on unravelling this situation.

@kittensinthekitchen I know a woman locally who goes on about the Head of the school having a vendetta against her. I can see exactly why she gets reported to Social Services. In spite of her protests that there are no issues, there are in reality many issues where she regularly puts her children in danger. I reported her once myself based on what she told me she did. Some people appear to have little or no insight. Everything is someone else's fault.

@Andante57

The SS backed away once they saw the footage but I think that they had already decided the allegation was malicious.

The school, however, stood firm. The head took 'early retirement' soon after but I don't know if it was due to this issue.

Exactly what it says, Oblomov22.

And anyone who can not see the obvious concerns in this situation has little understanding of safeguarding.

I agree.

It’s quite concerning that posters can’t see the red flags and I just hope they’re not responsible for any children themselves.

I’ve not read the OPs previous posts but it’s pretty obvious from this thread why it’s best the child is on SS radar.

Funnily enough I am in a situation at the moment where a school is misusing its power, it does happen and it happens alot.

Sadly this is a very naive statement.
Schools do abuse and exploit parents and families and a quick google search of SEN case law, Ofsted school complaints etc will show you that false and malicious referrals from schools are a major problem , specifically in regards to children they are unlawfully excluding/illegally offrolling.
It happens daily and the growing of academies who believe they're above the law is generating escalating problems in this area.
Parental bullying from schools is a huge issue, let's not pretend otherwise.

Red flags?
previous abusive relationships
four month gap between start of relationship and moving in
” daddy”
older man/ younger woman ( see above for previous relationships)

1)all might be fine, but some could be worried enough to ensure that a possibly vunerable woman with young children was not being coerced by a domineering older , and very new, partner who seems to be coming across as aggressive and demanding.

or 2) could be a caring older partner in a fairly new relationship who realising that a woman is quite emotionally vunerable and not very good at standing up for herself because of a previous relationship , is taking it upon themselves to act as an advocate by mediating with the school.

We don’t know, but if I was the school and I had suspicions of scenario 1 I would want to check things out, because it is not unknown for vunerable women with young children to be targeted .

Why are you so deeply involved with parenting a child and their schooling when you have only known them for 2 years?
You sound controlling.
There’s red flags all over this!

All the posters going on about the child calling her stepdad dad and how long they were dating before they settled down together, I wonder how you would feel if intimate decisions of yours had to be run by the local authority for approval first?

If I was stupid enough to move in with a man with issues after 5 mins and get my vulnerable child to call him Daddy straight away, I'd be glad someone was there to help save me from my idiotic self.

so your DP moved into your home after 4 mths of dating and you have been looking after her DC since as she worked. Poor choices by this woman and I feel for her DS. It all doesn’t sit right with me

just because a parent or a number of parents at a school believe that the school Weaponizes SS against them, doesn’t make it true. I have myself encountered a number of parents with kids who attend the same school who believe this, and even from the outside I could see perfectly well why any right minded individual would be making safeguarding referrals. I’m sure it happens, but given how overstretched schools and SS are, I’d imagine it’s rare. Schools have a duty to raise safeguarding concerns where they suspect a child may be in the way of harm. If they don’t and something terrible happens they will get absolutely hammered for it, and so they should. This is not the 1980s, we don’t just turn a blind eye because what goes on behind closed doors is none of our business anymore.

It may well be true that three visits is the minimum for a SS investigation, but there’s a difference between SS deciding to investigate and SS just following up on a report they’ve had. They can follow up a report with a phone call and/or a visit and decide an investigation isn’t necessary. The fact that they decided an investigation was necessary suggests that they did have some cause for concern. The fact that they conclude that a family doesn’t meet the threshold for intervention and close the case does not mean that further investigation isn’t necessary if subsequent reports are made.

we all know things like coercive control for example are incredibly difficult to evidence, even if your gut feeling and suspicions are very strong.

I don’t however think that OP will be returning to this thread to enlighten us further. I don’t think the responses are what he was looking for.

School governor here.

Schools have a safeguarding duty. There are systems in place for all school staff to flag anything unusual. If there are a number of observations from different staff about a child then these will be reviewed and flagged to external safeguarding bodies if the safeguarding committee think it should be.

These systems have been ramped up recently given the number of serious abuse cases which schools didn't escalate sufficiently. There is very little scope in a well managed school for the Head to target families.

I'm sorry you feel victimised. The key thing is that you build a good relationship with the school and that everyone remains calm. The aim here is that your partner's child (and everyone's children) are safe and settled in this post covid world.

Being so suspicious of the system and angry at it is not going to help.

Can’t imagine why a school might have safeguarding concerns about a parent with a history of being subject to abuse moving herself and her child in with a new partner after 4 months, moving the child to a new school and letting the new bloke take over interactions with the school.

I’m sure there’s the odd occasion there’s a school leadership team with enough time on its hands to launch an unfounded vendetta against parents but this doesn’t sound like one of them.

OP maybe agreeing there are concerns given the DM background and how quick the relationship between you and her DM started when you both have a history of being in abusive relationships.

The water issue was ridiculous, it isn't up to the teacher to remind the children to drink. It seems like you are quick to react in a situation, this isn't good under the circumstances.

I'm sorry OP but your version of events just doesnt ring right, therefore I don't believe that is how it's all gone down.
I think the school's version would read very differently to yours.