Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

[Ultrafrustrated]

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

backstory

Im an older male who met his younger partner through mutual friends there is a 12 year age gap. i retired early as i have declared income that lets me live well

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver.

I am moderatly autistic

when I met my partner her child was at a private school which she couldnt afford and also wasnt meeting the childs needs and start of lockdown she and child moved into my home (she had to work and had no other childcare options)

following lockdown 1 she decided to place the child at the local school and live with me full time and things seemed to be going ok

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

partner had asked to speak to head about childs history pre me and explain a few things( abusive ex)

In the December we were reported to social services for

telling child of for running out infront of a car.
Not feeding child properly (we had documented evidence of the food she eats which is beyond waitrose territory as I love to cook and almost every meal is home made from raw ingredients)
affecting child anxiety by asking how her day was
that Child calls me daddy at Childs request.

So in my mind for basic normal parenting

So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

It was stressfull as hell but we though things were over. Especially as they were picking every facet of the relationship to probe into (finances, property ownership, the nature of it, how we met, the childs relation to me and a hundred other highly invasive other things)

I now have a serious trust issue with the school because well lots of the claims were based on outright lies and misrepresentation but the school refused to even consider they MAY be in the wrong and offer even a slightest apology

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I get the facts from Child and calm Child down and take Child home to my partner who also works out whats going on, gets fluids into Child
and calms child down and gets food for child

the next day she speaks to the teacher about the lack of fluid consumption as it was seriously detrimental to have it thrown back at her
as teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack

also goes of on a tangent that the after school club Child
goes to she doesnt like and doesnt join in with which isnt the case but seemed to be only deflection away from a genuine concern about well being

so today my partner had a long conversation with the school yet again questioning the home relationship and am I abusive etc etc etc

they have informed social services AGAIN Because In my view and in my partners view AND other parent who was sat at the same table I
parented and saw there was an issue and asked normal voice questions to find out whats going on to solve or understand it.

now the Head frankly hates me and I think the rest of the school has taken a lead from him.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

there is a section of the parents who live in total fear of him as he is constantly harassing vulnerable people and questioning how they live and they school seems to cycle through them and we are now top of the list

I suspect that he is abusing his position and social services to harass those he does not consider worthy of being there (its a small wealthy village)
and I know of several persons who have removed children from the school and the area as a result of him.

What are my options as he has just finished harrassing another person and it looks like we are next in line.

she hardly knows because she doesn't have childcare, and leaves the child with the new boyfriend (and is encouraged to call him daddy) while she goes to work.
This is a massive concern.

I would on high alert for watching for signs of abuse though if a parent quickly moved in with a partner and started using this partner as childcare straight away.

That is an abusers dream isn't it?

Your explanation for the hasty move in doesn't make sense, as childcare was maintained for key workers' and vulnerable children throughout the pandemic. She didn't need you to look after her child (a man she'd been with 4 months!). I'd say that was a massive red flag right there that she is making very poor decisions that put her child's safety at risk.

The fact she has previous abuse in her background is also a red flag as unless she has had appropriate therapy to unpick her abusive conditioning she is likely to have further abusive relationships. How long had she been separated from her child's abusive father before taking up with you? What is his involvement in the child's life if any, that child is now calling you daddy after about 5 minutes? What on EARTH made her think letting a virtually unknown man assume care of her child instead of trained and DBS'd education staff was a good idea?

I would be very concerned about this child. Not to the point of calling social services in the absence of other red flags, but enough to be keeping a very close eye indeed.

But yes I'd say a conversation with the person who told you headmaster would have issues with you is also needed for context. Otherwise it's hard to understand why the school (not just this head) are 'making up' things about you and your home.

Also if teacher (who sees what goes on at after school club) is saying child doesn't enjoy it, why do you assume she is lying?

This written by you makes me raise my eyebrows and wonder if the school have some genuine concerns.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

What on earth are you thinking about doing? That suggests a threat to me to the headmaster.

@Ultrafrustrated you clearly have no concept that THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILD. BACK OFF.
So glad school and SS have got this poor child on their radar.

I had a simular issue with my child's (OLD SCHOOL)Long story short when I told the school that they was letting my son down he had needs that wasn't being met they called SS I mean that same day.They came out said it is all fine bare in mind my 5 yes 5 kids was at a school before that for 5 years with no issues.I only moved them coz they fell behind with the welsh during lockdown.Myself and the head if kids school thought it was for the best to move them.I heard the head of the new school had a habit of calling SS if he was annoyed safe to say I moved them and ain't had a issue since.

Oh and SS also told me that the head calls if he thinks there is a problem I havnt heard from SS since.They did a home visit spoke to old school Dr's ect all was fine.

"Before believing anybody was a victim of a SS vendetta, please look at their posting history."

What's that supposed to mean @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave ?

Do you honestly think schools have the resources to check if every child has been drinking?

in your case, the girl had water. She chose not to drink it. Clearly, she wasn’t thirsty. Not drinking for a few hours isn’t going to harm a kid in the UK.

Schools have a duty of care to flag any concerns they see in the child. If they didn't do that then they wouldn't be doing their job properly. There is some aggressive language in this post and an implication of some kind of personal vendetta which quite frankly no school has the time for.

People just don’t want to believe it happens because it is such an abuse of power for a professional to act this way.

My childrens head teacher once reported me to SS. It was over breakfast club fees. Their father had agreed to pay the fees instead of child maintenance which I was fine with but he didn’t pay it. The head master contacted me, I contacted ex husband who said he would go in to pay it. Next thing I know I’ve been reported to SS with ‘concerns about food at home’. Basically the head master suggested I didn’t have food to feed them.

I called social services myself and explained everything to them. They never took it further and I changed my childrens school. Interestingly, when I told the head teacher I was removing my children from the school, he threatened to contact social services because of ‘grave concerns’ for my childrens welfare. I just told him to go ahead as I had nothing to hide.

That was ten years ago now. Ultimately, if you have nothing to worry about, a report to social services is not really a big deal.

It sounds a relief that this child is on the SS and school radar.

OP, you need to take a big step back here and let your partner parent their child. If they're incapable of doing so, then SS really do need to be involved.

You're at risk here of coming across as a dominating bully, sorry to be blunt.

Why didn't you just ask the child if she had drunk the water?

If she is old enough to decide to call you daddy she is old enough to know how much she drank.

There's no actual reason why either school or social services are monitoring this family, though?
They'll only be aware if someone alerts them to the situation?

Certain schools have very close relationships with ss and ss will admit that as they some how don’t see a problem with it. Start the complaints process and make his life difficult. I would also seek legal advice even if it’s just in the form of a letter asking why the school is reporting constantly. The one thing schools and any profession like social services don’t want to do, is put pen to paper. Ask ss for a copy of the reports due to the matter being harassment now and affecting your relationship with your child’s school. A good one to mention to the local authority is that this is making you question your child’s education and would home education be more preferable. You will find the local authority will be totally against that and may approach the head over it.

People just don’t want to believe it happens because it is such an abuse of power for a professional to act this way.
Which is crazy because powerful people have used it to abuse others for centuries.
No all professionals are ethical.

Christ knows what hospital training you were doing, but I hope it wasn't working with vulnerable people?

You will find as the child is not the OP's child, the local authority will not be discussing any of this with him. You will find the OP demanding this kind of information will only further SS suspicions. And the threat of home ed?! Even more so.

Many people leave their children for childcare with providers they have known for a lot less than 4 months. That is the reality for many people, if you don't have family, you have to use whomever is available - either hired or volunteer to provide that care and to get kids to and from school.

The moving in that fast, even though it may have been from necessity, is still a concern as that is a lot of change for this child. They are with you now so what is done is done.

As I understand it, this is a new school that the child started attending after moving in with you, it is local to your residence.

Often situations like this are complex. There may be a head who is overly rigid or looks down on certain people, the student may have flags given her situation, and you may have come across in a way you didn't intend.

There is no point in getting angry or getting into an argument with the head. You need to stay cool and just do your role, stay out of it all, and let the child's mom deal with the school.

Could the complaint to SS have come from your partner’s ex?

( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it)

This stands out for me as an indicator of aggression (whether real or perceived)

I would love to hear the schools side of this.

It's not that I don't believe institutions like a school and social services can be behave badly or unethically, but I'm struggling to believe the amount of effort that both are putting in here - when things are so stretched in both areas - with no justification.

This is not the OP's child. It is a relatively new girlfriends child the the OP seems to have taken parental responsibility for in a very very short space of time. A vulnerable woman with a recent history of domestic violence meets a much older man, removes her vulnerable primary age child from school siting 'covid/lockdown/not meeting needs' to another school in a different area, moves in with new boyfriend after 4 months together, new boyfriend takes over the parenting of young vulnerable child. The child's mother is showing a serious lack of safeguarding her child. This child is telling the school/teachers she is anxious about after school club/life in general and this is being dismissed at home. She gets upset at being questioned by someone who is not her parent and then gets threatened with withholding her social activity/club by that person. There are massive red flags all over this.

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

This comment is completely bizarre and inappropriate, especially when a vulnerable child is involved.

Many people leave their children for childcare with providers they have known for a lot less than 4 months. That is the reality for many people, if you don't have family, you have to use whomever is available - either hired or volunteer to provide that care and to get kids to and from school.

Um, yeah, but hell no - many people do not leave their young daughters full-time with much older retired men they've known for only four months. The kind of childcare you're talking about is either fully vetted or at least someone with DC of their own or some experience of looking after kids, and let's face it, usually female. Which is no guarantee of no issues, but still, that's all within the realm of what "many people' might do for childcare if they're desperate.

This guy mentions no DC of his own and it sounds like he's at least 50 (retired early, 12 years older than the mother). This is not the person anyone is picturing when they think solution for 'sole charge childcare', but it might be the person they're picturing when they think, as a PP put it, 'an abuser's dream'.

Whatever's really going on here, I'm glad that the school and SS have an eye on it because the mum seems too lax and the OP is not the dad and should back off.