Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

[Ultrafrustrated]

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

backstory

Im an older male who met his younger partner through mutual friends there is a 12 year age gap. i retired early as i have declared income that lets me live well

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver.

I am moderatly autistic

when I met my partner her child was at a private school which she couldnt afford and also wasnt meeting the childs needs and start of lockdown she and child moved into my home (she had to work and had no other childcare options)

following lockdown 1 she decided to place the child at the local school and live with me full time and things seemed to be going ok

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

partner had asked to speak to head about childs history pre me and explain a few things( abusive ex)

In the December we were reported to social services for

telling child of for running out infront of a car.
Not feeding child properly (we had documented evidence of the food she eats which is beyond waitrose territory as I love to cook and almost every meal is home made from raw ingredients)
affecting child anxiety by asking how her day was
that Child calls me daddy at Childs request.

So in my mind for basic normal parenting

So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

It was stressfull as hell but we though things were over. Especially as they were picking every facet of the relationship to probe into (finances, property ownership, the nature of it, how we met, the childs relation to me and a hundred other highly invasive other things)

I now have a serious trust issue with the school because well lots of the claims were based on outright lies and misrepresentation but the school refused to even consider they MAY be in the wrong and offer even a slightest apology

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I get the facts from Child and calm Child down and take Child home to my partner who also works out whats going on, gets fluids into Child
and calms child down and gets food for child

the next day she speaks to the teacher about the lack of fluid consumption as it was seriously detrimental to have it thrown back at her
as teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack

also goes of on a tangent that the after school club Child
goes to she doesnt like and doesnt join in with which isnt the case but seemed to be only deflection away from a genuine concern about well being

so today my partner had a long conversation with the school yet again questioning the home relationship and am I abusive etc etc etc

they have informed social services AGAIN Because In my view and in my partners view AND other parent who was sat at the same table I
parented and saw there was an issue and asked normal voice questions to find out whats going on to solve or understand it.

now the Head frankly hates me and I think the rest of the school has taken a lead from him.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

there is a section of the parents who live in total fear of him as he is constantly harassing vulnerable people and questioning how they live and they school seems to cycle through them and we are now top of the list

I suspect that he is abusing his position and social services to harass those he does not consider worthy of being there (its a small wealthy village)
and I know of several persons who have removed children from the school and the area as a result of him.

What are my options as he has just finished harrassing another person and it looks like we are next in line.

Are you so sure it comes from the school ? You have a small child in your house that you are taking care of as a parent during lockdown though you are not related? You should not be telling off a child that you only know for 4 months, its her mom's job. Your situation raises red flags in itself, you can have all the best intentions in the world, but op, some people don't even let they new partner get along with their kids on a one to one basis in such a short period of time.

"But it is pretty unlikely that the school is contacting SS as part of a personal vendetta. "

This is classic MN. I believe you OP. But it's, the above is not true. Not all doctors, police force, etc are good people. Some have vendettas, some falsify documents and lie. Most MN'ers can not fathom that this goes on. I was bullied by primary school. I made a governors complaint, and then took it further to DofE.

I have supported 3 other families through similar. There were blatant lies and falsifying of documents in each case. Winning is nigh on impossible. Your dd sounds very young, how many years of primary left? I would advise moving schools. This won't resolve naturally, too much damage has been done.

Due to the circumstances surrounding all this it could very likey be you are bu or them or both.
You both could be co.ing from the right place.but due to her past your past,the move,lockdown,amount if child abuse rocketing,vulnerable young people rocketing,your diagnosis which automatically comes across a certain way( not your fault) th3n this is flags for the school.
But if these are genuine circumstances you've worked through as a loving home then you right to feel horrid.
So if you need to do something it's just persist with calmness and going through it.domt get mad,don't get angry.if you've done nothing wrong generally as will no it.
Have you spoke to others you say head gas gone for?what s their advice.the everything there would be to complain together.
Sounds like mum need a to get more involved though.ive heard nothi g of what she's doing and all the care you are?

Perhaps your biggest mistake Ultrafrustrated was coming on this site. Mumsnetters can be an accusatory lot.

I've deff met heads this apply to.

It sounds like there might be a few red flags; it’s pretty early for you to be this involved in parenting and to have the child call you Dad already

I don’t think headteachers usually just take against people and involve social services but maybe this one is an exception.

I can only assume school believe mum & child to be vulnerable, change of school? Do the heads know each other? The person who told you that the head would have a problem with you, who are they, and why did you not ask why that would be the case? Perhaps that could help you get to the bottom of it all.

*So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.*

So, I have worked with SS a fair bit in my job and if you had 3 visits then they identified something that warranted a closer look. SS are more adept than you'd think at identifying malicious reports. Often families only get a quick phone call or School’s get told to open an ehat themselves. One visit is a step up from this and families with no concerns will routinely be closed after this. So if you had 3 visits they were concerned and you didn't come out of it "scattering rainbows".
So, somewhere, something is causing concern for others could you sound more agressive/overbearing than you intend for example? Is dc withdrawn, nervous, jumpy?
It might help you in the long term if you can take an objective look at what might be causing these miscommunications rather than simply making a villain out of the school and a victim out of yourself. Try to build a better relationship with them.

Even though you are the one writing this, entirely from your point of view, I'm not coming out on your side.

Teachers have a very good understanding of relationships and interactions between children and carers. They clearly don't like what they're seeing.

You have even admitted that you shouted at a hot, miserable child with an existing anxiety issue. Anyone else would have just given the child a drink, and maybe been 5 mins late to club.

A lot of your language is horribly dehumanising, but I'm going to hope that's maybe just part of your autism?

Apologies, I misread. You said you spoke in a normal voice. I thought you said you couldn't use a normal voice because you were getting late.

I disagree with what you are saying.
If a school reports then they will do a bigger investigation than if a member of the public reported.

They cannot just place a phone call. How would anything be found out?

Ultimately, if the things you mention in the OP were reported to social services, they wouldn't accept it. We have far, far more worrying concerns than that bounced back at us regularly because it "doesn't meet the threshold". The concerns reported to social services - whether real or otherwise - must be more significant than those you report.

If I had a friend with a history of being in an abusive relationship, and she moved her child in with a man after knowing him 4 month, and then both adults allowed the child to call him daddy (whatever the child’s request) I’d raise an eyebrow.

Me too. I think she's been incredibly irresponsible and poor parenting on her part tbh. She's allowed someone she barely knows to move in with her child and parent them. Tbh I'm glad social services are involved. There are too many cases seen where, mostly women, get men involved in their kids lives way too quickly and they hurt them.

This. And SS to have to have 3 visits to your home.
Personally I think it worrying that a child calls you dad after such a short time living with you

Children are often very unhappy when new living situations get thrust on them and school are right to report anything they are worried about.
Can you say why the HT wouldn't like you?

@Trynamakeadollar I really wish that was true, and if true in your area then I'm really glad!
All I know is that where I work we have a lot of dealings with SS and "open and ehat a phone call or a single visit" are the outcomes in almost all cases.

I can see why the school are worried. I’d cooperate with the school and social services fully as that’s in the best interests of the child.

A lot of things here don't add up, and it seems like we can throw paranoia or a related personality disorder into the list. I'm glad this little girl is on SS's radar and I hope they can help her. Sadly a child's life needs to be in imminent danger before they'll do much.

In my area (and I make referrals to social services in at least 3 different local authorities as part of my job) the situation is just as @LisaSimpson77 describes. A lot of referrals are closed following a simple phone call or stepped straight down to Early Help.
For it to result in a visit at all, someone at social services had to decide that the report met the threshold for statutory involvement. This is a pretty high threshold and in practice the threshold is usually higher than it looks on paper. Even a stern conversation about a water bottle just wouldn’t reach the threshold. It would be an Early Help case. For there to be three visits there would have had to be concerns that went beyond what has been described here that were not allayed by the first visit by the social worker. Something here just doesn’t add up. Social workers are stretched to breaking point and they just don’t have time to make multiple follow up visits to homes where everything is amazing and the parents are farting rainbows.

fUNNYfACE36 - are there? What red flags? Are you being sarcastic? I hope so. This whole post is worrying, with gaping holes in terms of context.* *

Oblomov22 it's not his "dd"

Blimy, is this the society we live in now. Where personal decisions have to be run by government bodies for approval?

All the posters going on about the child calling her stepdad dad and how long they were dating before they settled down together, I wonder how you would feel if intimate decisions of yours had to be run by the local authority for approval first?

If, and only if, they have reason to think an offence has occured then they should inform the authorities, otherwise this is harrassment.

@Ohnohedident can you not see there's a lot more to this story.
Why on earth would someone have walked up to him at 1st day at school and told him the head teacher would have issues with him? That's not something that would normally happen
Just think about it. Who was that person and what prior knowledge do they have of the OPs background?

The OP said that before he met his partner she was not meeting the childs needs (and possibly the abusive ex as well) I assume this is what brought her to the attention of SS.
Once in the system they can focus on easy targets, co-operative people are an easy win and they can tick their boxes off without much agro and awkward situations.
I would still advise to bend over backwards to keep them happy tho, as these people have real power over your life.

OP, if you are concerned about Children's Social Care being involved with your family (even if this is in the past), or you feel you are being referred for intervention without good reason, then visit the Family Rights Group. They have a very helpful forum where parents/carers can voice their concerns and these will be answered by an online professional advisor.

The head has a rep for abusing his power with anyone he thinks does not fit in his school?