Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

[Ultrafrustrated]

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

backstory

Im an older male who met his younger partner through mutual friends there is a 12 year age gap. i retired early as i have declared income that lets me live well

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver.

I am moderatly autistic

when I met my partner her child was at a private school which she couldnt afford and also wasnt meeting the childs needs and start of lockdown she and child moved into my home (she had to work and had no other childcare options)

following lockdown 1 she decided to place the child at the local school and live with me full time and things seemed to be going ok

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

partner had asked to speak to head about childs history pre me and explain a few things( abusive ex)

In the December we were reported to social services for

telling child of for running out infront of a car.
Not feeding child properly (we had documented evidence of the food she eats which is beyond waitrose territory as I love to cook and almost every meal is home made from raw ingredients)
affecting child anxiety by asking how her day was
that Child calls me daddy at Childs request.

So in my mind for basic normal parenting

So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

It was stressfull as hell but we though things were over. Especially as they were picking every facet of the relationship to probe into (finances, property ownership, the nature of it, how we met, the childs relation to me and a hundred other highly invasive other things)

I now have a serious trust issue with the school because well lots of the claims were based on outright lies and misrepresentation but the school refused to even consider they MAY be in the wrong and offer even a slightest apology

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I get the facts from Child and calm Child down and take Child home to my partner who also works out whats going on, gets fluids into Child
and calms child down and gets food for child

the next day she speaks to the teacher about the lack of fluid consumption as it was seriously detrimental to have it thrown back at her
as teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack

also goes of on a tangent that the after school club Child
goes to she doesnt like and doesnt join in with which isnt the case but seemed to be only deflection away from a genuine concern about well being

so today my partner had a long conversation with the school yet again questioning the home relationship and am I abusive etc etc etc

they have informed social services AGAIN Because In my view and in my partners view AND other parent who was sat at the same table I
parented and saw there was an issue and asked normal voice questions to find out whats going on to solve or understand it.

now the Head frankly hates me and I think the rest of the school has taken a lead from him.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

there is a section of the parents who live in total fear of him as he is constantly harassing vulnerable people and questioning how they live and they school seems to cycle through them and we are now top of the list

I suspect that he is abusing his position and social services to harass those he does not consider worthy of being there (its a small wealthy village)
and I know of several persons who have removed children from the school and the area as a result of him.

What are my options as he has just finished harrassing another person and it looks like we are next in line.

Well for context a ex friend of mine moved in with a new man that she’d met on Tinder she’d been going out with for less than 6 weeks at the beginning of lockdown. With her three primary school age children, and his weed smoking son, neither the school nor social services have battered an eyelid, she certainly hasn’t been through anything described here. And if social services were to visit her house they’d have a bloody field day the two girls live in a conservatory in a three bedroom house that you can’t swing a cat in and they have three dogs in it, it stinks.

I would also say that my grandmother was deemed to be using social services as a tool to harass my mother and she bloody wasn’t at all the allegations were happening and hopefully things have changed but social service is very quickly made their decision and then refused to engage any further once they had ascertained that nothing was happening in their eyes.

So they will get sick of the school crying wolf if thats the case.

OP, the person who approached you in the playground, are they known to you or are you known to them?

I'm autistic and I often can't tell the volume of my voice. I have been told that I was talking with a raised voice when I honestly thought I was using a 'normal' voice. That might be one thing to look into. I also think a brand new partner being overly involved in parenting a DC that is not their own and the child calling them 'daddy' would raise concerns.

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

What's the backstory here?

I’m assuming there is a race issue here, from the first day ‘warning’ in the playground? Have you raised the discrimination aspect with social services?

There are three possibilities - one is that you are behaving in a way which genuinely gives others concern. Given you are autistic, is it possible you, with no intention to do so, could be using a tone of voice others consider abrasive or angry? Could you get someone totally outside the situation, who knows you well to give you honest feedback?

The other second and third options are that they are overreacting or maliciously reporting you.

Overracting could happen if someone is trigger by their own past or perhaps didn’t report something and a child got hurt.

I’m a teacher and the odd malign person in power does exist, if rare. I know this sounds really OTT but the only time someone was continually reporting people to SS macliously that I know of, they turned out to be a sexual abuser and were deflecting attention. I am NOT saying that’s the case here.

In your shoes I would seek family play therapy, go on a parenting course and move schools to cover all my basis.

In what way are the school 'now attempting to change how i live through intimidation '?
What are they asking you to change?

I agree with pp there may be concerns given the very sudden moving in/you seemingly taking parental responsibility for a child who isn't yours.

You sound very intense and the little girl seems vulnerable. Such dramatic changes in her short life are going to affect her. I would be glad the school are keeping an eye open.

You'd be surprised what lengths they will go to to defend the school

The school has a duty to report if they have serious concerns about a child. They have enough to do, and they wouldn't have made the report unless they had genuine concerns.

How old is the child?

I would have argued the same... only schools would rather blame parents than deal with issues... I was reported and bless SS they informed the school that clearly mother doesn't struggle, and is coping unlike the school... after this school upped their game... I say upped... but basically they did support me with getting a EHCP which they had refused to engage with prior.

This all over!

From your post, I'd have concerns too.

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver

What kind of ‘long standing health issues’? Depending on what they are, that alone might prompt concern for the child’s welfare in some circumstances.

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored

Why? Did you know them? What prompted that conversation? Why would there be ‘sour grapes’? This isn’t something that would come from nowhere.

Apart from all of that: woman with health issues and a history of being a victim of abuse, moves in after only four months with a man who also has health issues and a background of abuse. She has a child who is also a victim of abuse and has previously been designated as vulnerable. Both adults let the child call this man, who she barely knows, Daddy. Man is extremely over-involved in child’s life and in fact seems to have taken over all parenting and discipline from the child’s mother. Man has some kind of weird altercation on first day of school and seems entirely unaware of what might have prompted that. Man also seems to be quite obsessive about quite a lot of things.

All of those things would be of concern to many people, particularly given the child’s and mother’s past history.

You also have no idea what the child has been saying at school, or doing at school, that might have prompted concerns. You seem to have fairly limited curiosity about the child at all, really, despite assuming all control and responsibility for her schooling. Where is the child’s mother in all this? Why isn’t she having these conversations with the school? This is her child, not yours.

Your post sounds a bit off key.

How are the school “attempting to change how you live”? How do you live? How would they know - have they been to your house? What exactly are they asking you to change? Something about your home environment?

I am struck by the fact that Social Services visited you three times. If it is a malicious report with no concerns, you would normally have one visit only. So they too had some concerns even if they decided they were not enough to do anything about them.
It sounds as if there is concern that you are abusive or overly controlling of your partner.

And if you and your partner move the child to a different school as some are suggesting, that could also be seen as a red flag.

are there? what red flags?

Im not surprised there are concerns seeing as this kid was moved from an abusive home to a strange one after 4 months and left in the care of a man she doesn’t know. You’re way too involved, she’s not your daughter: back off

I can see that you feel victimised and wrongly accused . This must feel bad - especially if you know that you are doing a good job as a parent. It must make dealing with school very difficult.

What do you think made the school reject you on that first day?
What do you think made them suspicious of you and worried about the child?
What made them single you out?

antelopevalley SS have to visit every time there is a new allegation made.

How long were you together for before she moved in?

4 months however the driving factor was lockdown and her lack of childcare and ademand from the NHS she continue working. if she stopped working she lost her house

This, the history of the parties and the fact that the child calls you dad is seriously fucked up and I'm glad you are on SS radar tbh 🤷‍♀️

How old is the child?

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I live in Australia - so the above bolded bit is a bit odd for me - near 30 degrees is not that warm where I live and water or food not consumed during school hours would not worry me. Some of my kids don't feel hungry during the school day and don't touch their food - they just have it when they come home from school. I was the same as a child.

My oldest child refused to eat or drink in their first 2 weeks of school, and this was likely due to undiagnosed autism, anxiety and sensory issues. The first week was during a heatwave (42 - 43 degrees each day) and they were on the young side of starting school (still 4 years old).

They were a bit thirsty and hungry after school, so caught up on food and drink then. Given you described the child as "seriously dehydrated, listless, grey", I would think they are also not getting enough fluids when at home - which is a red flag.

The way you handled the fluid and food issue at the end of the school day - the "need to know because not drinking can make child ill" - comes across as quite controlling and could be seen as abusive and another red flag.

If I were another parent witnessing this, I would think if this is what you are like in public, I would hate to see how you behave behind closed doors.