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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

214 replies

Ultrafrustrated · 27/06/2022 18:08

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

backstory

Im an older male who met his younger partner through mutual friends there is a 12 year age gap. i retired early as i have declared income that lets me live well

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver.

I am moderatly autistic

when I met my partner her child was at a private school which she couldnt afford and also wasnt meeting the childs needs and start of lockdown she and child moved into my home (she had to work and had no other childcare options)

following lockdown 1 she decided to place the child at the local school and live with me full time and things seemed to be going ok

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

partner had asked to speak to head about childs history pre me and explain a few things( abusive ex)

In the December we were reported to social services for

telling child of for running out infront of a car.
Not feeding child properly (we had documented evidence of the food she eats which is beyond waitrose territory as I love to cook and almost every meal is home made from raw ingredients)
affecting child anxiety by asking how her day was
that Child calls me daddy at Childs request.

So in my mind for basic normal parenting

So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

It was stressfull as hell but we though things were over. Especially as they were picking every facet of the relationship to probe into (finances, property ownership, the nature of it, how we met, the childs relation to me and a hundred other highly invasive other things)

I now have a serious trust issue with the school because well lots of the claims were based on outright lies and misrepresentation but the school refused to even consider they MAY be in the wrong and offer even a slightest apology

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I get the facts from Child and calm Child down and take Child home to my partner who also works out whats going on, gets fluids into Child
and calms child down and gets food for child

the next day she speaks to the teacher about the lack of fluid consumption as it was seriously detrimental to have it thrown back at her
as teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack

also goes of on a tangent that the after school club Child
goes to she doesnt like and doesnt join in with which isnt the case but seemed to be only deflection away from a genuine concern about well being

so today my partner had a long conversation with the school yet again questioning the home relationship and am I abusive etc etc etc

they have informed social services AGAIN Because In my view and in my partners view AND other parent who was sat at the same table I
parented and saw there was an issue and asked normal voice questions to find out whats going on to solve or understand it.

now the Head frankly hates me and I think the rest of the school has taken a lead from him.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

there is a section of the parents who live in total fear of him as he is constantly harassing vulnerable people and questioning how they live and they school seems to cycle through them and we are now top of the list

I suspect that he is abusing his position and social services to harass those he does not consider worthy of being there (its a small wealthy village)
and I know of several persons who have removed children from the school and the area as a result of him.

What are my options as he has just finished harrassing another person and it looks like we are next in line.

OP posts:
Andante57 · 27/06/2022 19:38

The father of the family gave the school ample chance to retract the lie but they persisted. However, the father was working with me that day and we were both caught multiple times on CCTV, before, during and after the time of the alleged incident

gerryAtrick that’s terrible. Did the school and SS apologise to the family that were falsely accused ?

Original poster
Ultrafrustrated · 27/06/2022 19:52

user1471504747 · 27/06/2022 18:31

How long were you together for before she moved in?

4 months however the driving factor was lockdown and her lack of childcare and ademand from the NHS she continue working. if she stopped working she lost her house

OP posts:
Ownedbymycats · 27/06/2022 19:53

Is there something unorthodox about your appearance which led the person to believe that the head teacher wouldn't approve.

CallOnMe · 27/06/2022 19:54

YABU

Mum has a past with an abusive partner which obviously impacts her child - this will already have the school on high alert.

Then mum gets with a new man and moves in at the start of lockdown - literally the worst time to move a child into a new home.

How long were you in a relationship before you moved in together?

You have to understand that because of the child’s past she is classed as vulnerable and they’ll be keeping a close eye on everything.
You also seem quite involved which makes me think mum maybe doesn’t find parenting easy.

You are just going to have to go through the motions until they are happy the child is in a safe environment.

As a PP said you could move schools if you’re not happy but that’s 3 schools in a short amount of time.

CallOnMe · 27/06/2022 19:56

4 months however the driving factor was lockdown and her lack of childcare

This is not ok and I would raise my concerns over this too.

She moved in and left her child with a stranger she’d only just met - that’s not being a good parent.

Add that to the fact she’s already been in an abusive relationship then there are a lot of red flags.

Tribb · 27/06/2022 19:59

4 months?

From the school's perspective this is a child who has experienced an abusive father, and now the mother has moved her in to the home of a new partner. The new partner has been observed questioning the child to the extent that she bursts into tears. It would be more surprising if this hadn't been flagged as an issue.

hiredandsqueak · 27/06/2022 20:18

I don't think it's unheard of for schools to make a malicious referral to social care although I wouldn't have believed it until it happened to me. I made a complaint about the school that was accepted by Ofsted as raising concerns about leadership and management. That very week I was contacted by social care as school had made a safeguarding referral claiming that dd hadn't been seen for months despite them funding the tutor that saw her twice weekly at home and reported back to school and getting regular updates from CAMHS who copied me in on all letters and were seeing her at home every fortnight. The referral was closed within minutes once CAMHS confirmed that they saw dd regularly and informed school of her progress.

Maymaymay · 27/06/2022 21:52

I think maybe you seem much more intimidating than you realise.

Saying that you say things in a ' normal voice ' and that you have documented proof of your child's eating seems very unusual, how and why have you been documenting her food ?

How do you know the head hates you specifically? Anyone can report to social services such as parents, teachers, dinner ladies, how do you know it is the head?

LIZS · 27/06/2022 22:03

Agree with @CallOnMe . You may be coming across as domineering or even bullying towards this little girl and there are red flags in their past. How old is she? She must have been there for almost two years and I'm not sure how it being a wealthy village features. Abuse happens across society. Do you work?

MummaTrinee · 27/06/2022 22:10

DebtWorry · 27/06/2022 19:06

Please do a SAR request to the school and local authority. This will tell you exactly who started it all.

sorry you are going through this

I agree with this, and take it further.

maddening · 27/06/2022 22:19

The fact that it is multiple families does indicate that the head has issues.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 27/06/2022 22:27

I can see why people are voting that YABU because it seems unlikely that a head would behave like that. But after working in schools and seeing the toxic environment that some heads create I can absolutely believe it.

BarryStir · 27/06/2022 22:29

Headteachers can’t use social services to get at parents. Social services aren’t a tool for schools to use willy nilly. As PPs have said, you’ve moved in very quickly, are taking quite a domineering interest in this child who isn’t yours but already calls you Dad (not ok) and there’s been a history of abuse which would be an indication of vulnerability. It would be normal to keep a closer eye on things in these circumstances.

Itwasntmeright · 27/06/2022 22:34

Something doesn’t feel right here. How and why do you have documentary evidence of the child’s diet? I can barely remember what we had for tea yesterday

that coupled with the fact of you quizzing the child about how much they’d drunk and checking their lunch, and the great levels of description you go into, it all just looks a bit, erm, unusual. Why do we need to know that you have been the victim of abuse? It feels a bit irrelevant to me, and statements like that where they are unwarranted instinctively prick up my ears

if there’s nothing wrong then you’ve nothing to fear from SS. I’m sure there are rare occasions where schools make malicious complaints, but this just doesn’t feel right to me at all. TBH if you told me this story in the playground I’d be keeping an eye.

wellhelloitsme · 27/06/2022 22:38

BarryStir · 27/06/2022 22:29

Headteachers can’t use social services to get at parents. Social services aren’t a tool for schools to use willy nilly. As PPs have said, you’ve moved in very quickly, are taking quite a domineering interest in this child who isn’t yours but already calls you Dad (not ok) and there’s been a history of abuse which would be an indication of vulnerability. It would be normal to keep a closer eye on things in these circumstances.

This, really.

Four months in it was incredibly irresponsible of their mum to move you into their home, especially if the reason was that you would sometimes be in sole charge as she was working.

BananaSpanner · 27/06/2022 22:44

I feel like you’re not giving us the whole story or at least not providing context.
Why would they have issues with you or the way you live? What is about you specifically that they wouldn’t like? How old are you both?

Even if everything is taken as you’ve said at face value, it might be more to do with your partners history of abuse. Maybe her last partner was older and she moved in quick and became nasty and they recognise similar traits in your relationship.

LondonQueen · 27/06/2022 22:47

There are some huge safeguarding red flags there, I'm not surprised they referred you to social services.

FemmeNatal · 27/06/2022 23:00

Ultrafrustrated · 27/06/2022 19:52

4 months however the driving factor was lockdown and her lack of childcare and ademand from the NHS she continue working. if she stopped working she lost her house

Show quote history

Why did someone say that the head would have issues with you? What is it about your appearance or actions that triggered this?

WHYTFWOULDYOU · 27/06/2022 23:02

Yorkshireteabags · 27/06/2022 18:13

I cant imagine why a school would want to/have the time to harrass a parent unless they had concerns.

The do and will, luckily for me I had children in another school too and the other school totally backed us that none of the allegations could be true, other school had known us and our children for a long time. It was all thrown out after one visit (but ss and school didn't give us an update for over 4 months despite constant chasing). Police were also involved on that one visit, when returning as requested to the police, they had also completely closed the case, but again no one knew what was going on. I am glad that is fully behind us now (was a long time ago) but it can happen.

WHYTFWOULDYOU · 27/06/2022 23:04

Ok I've just seen the four months update. I can see why there was concerns especially given the past.

Testina · 27/06/2022 23:13

Ultrafrustrated · 27/06/2022 19:52

4 months however the driving factor was lockdown and her lack of childcare and ademand from the NHS she continue working. if she stopped working she lost her house

Show quote history

If I had a friend with a history of being in an abusive relationship, and she moved her child in with a man after knowing him 4 month, and then both adults allowed the child to call him daddy (whatever the child’s request) I’d raise an eyebrow.

LaughandGiggle · 27/06/2022 23:15

It is really common for people with or families with SEND to be reported to SS due to them thinking and behaving differently to NTs.

I personally would get the hell out of that school. You're never going to win against someone like that! I'd also do a Subject Access Request in the names of you, your partner and the child to find out what the hell they're saying about you.

Testina · 27/06/2022 23:16

Why was her child in a private school that she couldn’t afford, and why did moving in with you not make the difference to her budget? There’s a lot of small points that make the whole situation seem odd.

oakleaffy · 27/06/2022 23:18

BarryStir · 27/06/2022 22:29

Headteachers can’t use social services to get at parents. Social services aren’t a tool for schools to use willy nilly. As PPs have said, you’ve moved in very quickly, are taking quite a domineering interest in this child who isn’t yours but already calls you Dad (not ok) and there’s been a history of abuse which would be an indication of vulnerability. It would be normal to keep a closer eye on things in these circumstances.

Agree...A new domineering stepdad and a vulnerable child at that , {by dint of mother's past abusive relationship} so soon after an abusive relationship has ended..
Lots of alarms will be ringing.

Testina · 27/06/2022 23:21

“teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack“

Well of course the onus is on you to provide a water bottle, and of course the staff can’t monitor every child’s consumption.

Like I said, lots of just odd points in the your post.