Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

[Ultrafrustrated]

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

backstory

Im an older male who met his younger partner through mutual friends there is a 12 year age gap. i retired early as i have declared income that lets me live well

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver.

I am moderatly autistic

when I met my partner her child was at a private school which she couldnt afford and also wasnt meeting the childs needs and start of lockdown she and child moved into my home (she had to work and had no other childcare options)

following lockdown 1 she decided to place the child at the local school and live with me full time and things seemed to be going ok

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

partner had asked to speak to head about childs history pre me and explain a few things( abusive ex)

In the December we were reported to social services for

telling child of for running out infront of a car.
Not feeding child properly (we had documented evidence of the food she eats which is beyond waitrose territory as I love to cook and almost every meal is home made from raw ingredients)
affecting child anxiety by asking how her day was
that Child calls me daddy at Childs request.

So in my mind for basic normal parenting

So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

It was stressfull as hell but we though things were over. Especially as they were picking every facet of the relationship to probe into (finances, property ownership, the nature of it, how we met, the childs relation to me and a hundred other highly invasive other things)

I now have a serious trust issue with the school because well lots of the claims were based on outright lies and misrepresentation but the school refused to even consider they MAY be in the wrong and offer even a slightest apology

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I get the facts from Child and calm Child down and take Child home to my partner who also works out whats going on, gets fluids into Child
and calms child down and gets food for child

the next day she speaks to the teacher about the lack of fluid consumption as it was seriously detrimental to have it thrown back at her
as teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack

also goes of on a tangent that the after school club Child
goes to she doesnt like and doesnt join in with which isnt the case but seemed to be only deflection away from a genuine concern about well being

so today my partner had a long conversation with the school yet again questioning the home relationship and am I abusive etc etc etc

they have informed social services AGAIN Because In my view and in my partners view AND other parent who was sat at the same table I
parented and saw there was an issue and asked normal voice questions to find out whats going on to solve or understand it.

now the Head frankly hates me and I think the rest of the school has taken a lead from him.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

there is a section of the parents who live in total fear of him as he is constantly harassing vulnerable people and questioning how they live and they school seems to cycle through them and we are now top of the list

I suspect that he is abusing his position and social services to harass those he does not consider worthy of being there (its a small wealthy village)
and I know of several persons who have removed children from the school and the area as a result of him.

What are my options as he has just finished harrassing another person and it looks like we are next in line.

You sound a lot more involved than the mother. Why is this?

Yes, this reminds me of a post I saw on here once from a woman who was saying social services were on her back and were saying her children were at risk just because she hadn't put their toys away so the house looked untidy. And needless to say, loads of the replies were from people who took that at face value despite the fact that there was clearly a hell of a lot more going on than a few toys on the floor.

I suspect the water issue is just one example. Probably following a request to provide water bottles, perhaps op had missed/failed to send it. So was an indignant reaction when it was provided but apparently child not made to use it. Not seen any previous posts to compare.

I remember that one 10HailMarys and a lot of similar ones over the years. There are whole conspiracy groups for parents on SS's radar or who have had their children removed, constantly reinforcing each other's delusions that they're great parents who fell foul of a sinister plot. Some of them are on MN.

@Dancingwithhyenas I think you must have meant to quote the OP, not me.

I taught for over 20 years. We didn't have the time to make up false accusations against parents, or to chase up anything that wasn't a genuine concern. OP, if you're genuinely unaware of any concerns, start looking, because school have spotted something.

I think there is more to this than you are letting on. No-one just "comes up to you" in the playground and warns you about the headteacher. I've been taking my son to school for 5 years and barely any of the parents know who I am. This sounds odd. You also seem to be assuming the role of Dad, which is fine, but IME my partner has always taken the reigns with regard to their kids school and welfare.
You can just ignore it all becasue you've got nothing to hide. Or you can chnage schools. My partner's son chnaged twice (he has ASD), not all schools are good, not all heads are good, in fact some are downright pathetic

I would like to know too - can't see a post history for this user? @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

Changing the child's school will just raise more concerns.

I don't mean the OP; I don't recognise him. Some of the people responding with sympathy have interesting history with social services.

Absolutely. Ridiculous advice.

Sadly this is a very naive statement.
Schools do abuse and exploit parents and families and a quick google search of SEN case law, Ofsted school complaints etc will show you that false and malicious referrals from schools are a major problem , specifically in regards to children they are unlawfully excluding/illegally offrolling.

It happens daily and the growing of academies who believe they're above the law is generating escalating problems in this area.

Parental bullying from schools is a huge issue, let's not pretend otherwise.

Posts like these are BS and a way to deflect from their own poor parenting.

SS have been criticised in the media for not being involved enough in certain cases but it’s extremely rare for them to be over-involved without needing to.

All those people who have issues with them and claim they’re over involved are the ones who actually need them involved the most.

Schools absolutely do not use SS to bully and abuse parents what a ridiculous thing to say.
It’s actually very difficult to get SS involved.

As someone who works with SEND and SEMH students many of which have trauma induced issues, I have had to log concerns regularly. These don’t go straight to SS - it’s only when many concerns have been logged does it go to SS.
And of course when we’ve phoned the police the SS have to come too.

Most of the time the concerns I log are for the parents benefit too - many have SeND or MH issues themselves and struggle with day to day living but don’t get enough help. If a child hasn’t washed themselves or uniform for weeks because there’s no water in their home then of course we’re going to get other agencies involved to get them to deal with the landlord.

But then there’s cases where the parents are shit and shouldn’t be allowed their DCs - like one of our girls who was consistently raped and SA by her mums last 2 partners. Then she gets her kids back and moves a man in after meeting him only 3 days before where he was living on the street taking drugs after just coming out of prison.

SS have a terrible name but I have never had any involvement with them with my own DC (even though I was a teenage, single parent) and no one I know has ever had SS involvement when they didn’t need it.
So if you have SS involvement chances are you’re not being bullied by them or the school, you must just need it.

@CallOnMe agree. Unfortunately many who become involved with ss are in denial and very defensive of any criticism. Some of this may be due to previous background of involvement, abuse, vulnerability, low education, or being brought up with suspicion of authorities. It is easier to deflect blame than take responsibility and accept support. Focussing on practicalities such as a water bottle, providing toys etc is much easier than the nurturing side of parenting.

You are overly concerned about the child drinking water. This myth that we all need to keep drinking water has been debunked so many times.

www.thehealthy.com/hydration/hydration-myths/

When I was at school, water was on the table at lunchtime and that was it.

And how is a teacher supposed to keep tabs on how much water each child drinks, In a class situation. They are not there to oversee children's diet, (although you've be forgiven for thinking so, reading the posts about the contents of lunch boxes) - they are there to teach.

I can completely get the position you are in. We had a new head start when my dc4 was in primary. He was a vile vindictive excuse of a man and clearly took exception to me and my dc. My dc was a handful and i had been trying to get a diagnosis for him since he was 2 years old. The previous head had managed his behaviour extremely well but the new one didn't want to know. He was constantly excluding my son, calling me in for meetings insinuating I couldn't cope. He refused to complete paperwork for camhs because in his opinion my son was just " naughty" and i was an unfit mother. When i asked if they thought my son could have hearing problems i was told no he just chooses when he wants to listen. I even turned up to a meeting to find a social worker there waiting for me, it back fired on him big time though because at the end of the meeting she told him that there was no need for ss involvement and berated him for wasting her time. My son eventually got excluded permanently and went to a SEN school with diagnosis of adhd, asd , spd and bilateral deafness!!!! However the damage was done to his attitude towards school and education. To say i hate that man is not strong enough to describe my feelings for him. I am a well educated mother of four ( all other kids did well with school) and i am a strong person. I dread to think of what would have happened had i not been educated and strong enough to fight back. Op I feel for you and your family in this situation I really do.

Rubbish

we had a malicious referral instigate by school so we removed 2 and changed to a different school and chose home education for our eldest- this didn’t cause us more issues as we then found ourselves in a fully supportive new school environment not a toxic one

@CallOnMe im sorry but you are talking absolute rubbish. Schools can and do use ss maliciously. Schools also lie, cover up their mistakes and treat some families appallingly. Speak to any solicitor involved in education law or independent advocates who work in this field and this will open your eyes.

@DebtWorry Except in the OPs case there is clear cause for concern. And remember I and others can see the major issues even though he is presenting the situation from his point of view.

This sounds like a terrible experience and I'm sorry you went through it.

But surely you can see that its totally different to OP's case? His girlfriend's children have previously lived in an abusive home and during lockdown were moved in with a man their mum has dated for four months so he can provide childcare to them...

That should be a cause for concern when it comes to safeguarding. Because it's concerning, shows poor judgement safeguarding wise and creates risk to the children.

@bloodyplanes

Do you not think there is anything of concern in the OPs situation?

Not really if social services have decided once before that there is no problem, and yet the school reported them again. If they know that OP has ASD then this should be taken into account in his dealings with them.

There isn't a double jeopardy rule with SS!

If they close a case about a family once then it doesn't mean they should never be revisited should another concern be raised.

Do you think that moving your primary aged children in with a man you've dated for four months and having him provide childcare shows anywhere near a suitable level of safeguarding or child centric decision making?

ASD can be taken into account a bit. But if say the man is aggressive to the child, then the ASD is irrelevant. It may be part of the reason, but the aggression still has an impact on the child and is not okay.
SEN is not a get out of jail card free for poor or abusive parenting.

Just from the tone of this post alone, you sound quite defensive and almost aggressive.

The whole water bottle thing... How old is the child? Unless she's a literal 4/5 year old, which I get the impression she isn't... the lack of drinking is on her. Schools DON'T have time to check a child has drunk all/most of their drink.

Look at it from the schools point of view... New family turn up. They've left a private school because the school "weren't meeting the child's needs" (state school isn't going to do any better!) Child and mum live with an unrelated much older man, who they moved in with because mum needed childcare. How long had you and the mum been together before daughter moved in with you?

^ That alone would make some schools ears perk up. I imagine there was a conversation between the new school and the private school at some point. Schools DO talk to each other, especially when a child leaves a school on bad terms because parents got the hump over something.

Social services have got better things to be doing than chasing families that don't need chasing. The threshold for even an investigation, much less a home visit, is pretty high. There's definitely something more to your story.

Don’t think op is coming back..