Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

[Ultrafrustrated]

Concerns that school are using social services to harass myself and partner

backstory

Im an older male who met his younger partner through mutual friends there is a 12 year age gap. i retired early as i have declared income that lets me live well

we both have various long standing health issues and history of abuse in our pasts as the receiver.

I am moderatly autistic

when I met my partner her child was at a private school which she couldnt afford and also wasnt meeting the childs needs and start of lockdown she and child moved into my home (she had to work and had no other childcare options)

following lockdown 1 she decided to place the child at the local school and live with me full time and things seemed to be going ok

first day at the school somone walked upto me at the gate and flat out warned my the head would have issues with me . This is before child has even started the school formally and I took it to be sour grapes and ignored.

partner had asked to speak to head about childs history pre me and explain a few things( abusive ex)

In the December we were reported to social services for

telling child of for running out infront of a car.
Not feeding child properly (we had documented evidence of the food she eats which is beyond waitrose territory as I love to cook and almost every meal is home made from raw ingredients)
affecting child anxiety by asking how her day was
that Child calls me daddy at Childs request.

So in my mind for basic normal parenting

So we got investigated. And the social decided after 3 visits that she was safe, happy well fed, cared for clothed, had toys books a safe room yadda yadda

literally we came out golden farting perfume scattering rainbows.

It was stressfull as hell but we though things were over. Especially as they were picking every facet of the relationship to probe into (finances, property ownership, the nature of it, how we met, the childs relation to me and a hundred other highly invasive other things)

I now have a serious trust issue with the school because well lots of the claims were based on outright lies and misrepresentation but the school refused to even consider they MAY be in the wrong and offer even a slightest apology

Flip forward to today when my partner gets a call that they have contacted social services AGAIN because last week when it was near 30 degree out I was wanting to know if child had only drunk about 50ml of water all day or if child had refilled water bottle.
child came out of school looking seriously dehydrated, listless, grey, miserable and something was wrong. Normally child is happy and bouncy when she comes from school

I checked childs lunch as I was sat down waiting and she was dragging her bag and things along the floor (not normal) and it had hardly been touched and she confirmed she had only drunk a tiny amount.

Then child goes strait into a tantrum because she thinks she is being told off (anxiety issues makes any slight telling off the end of the world) and I simply tell child in a normal voice to stop as if it carrys on child wont get to go to a club that night as child is obviously too tired to go but i need to know because not drinking can make child ill .

I get the facts from Child and calm Child down and take Child home to my partner who also works out whats going on, gets fluids into Child
and calms child down and gets food for child

the next day she speaks to the teacher about the lack of fluid consumption as it was seriously detrimental to have it thrown back at her
as teacher and assistants “dont have time to check” they children are drinking. Yet if we dont give fluids to take in we get the flack

also goes of on a tangent that the after school club Child
goes to she doesnt like and doesnt join in with which isnt the case but seemed to be only deflection away from a genuine concern about well being

so today my partner had a long conversation with the school yet again questioning the home relationship and am I abusive etc etc etc

they have informed social services AGAIN Because In my view and in my partners view AND other parent who was sat at the same table I
parented and saw there was an issue and asked normal voice questions to find out whats going on to solve or understand it.

now the Head frankly hates me and I think the rest of the school has taken a lead from him.

Why I dont know initially but now the feeling is very much mutual ( Im not going to do anything as he isnt worth it) but school is now attempting to change how i live through intimidation

there is a section of the parents who live in total fear of him as he is constantly harassing vulnerable people and questioning how they live and they school seems to cycle through them and we are now top of the list

I suspect that he is abusing his position and social services to harass those he does not consider worthy of being there (its a small wealthy village)
and I know of several persons who have removed children from the school and the area as a result of him.

What are my options as he has just finished harrassing another person and it looks like we are next in line.

I disagree with @CallOnMe and @LIZS so much, I can't describe. Pains me to read. Badly. The idea that parents of ASD children aren't reported for fii, goes against the evidence. Many ASD support bodies report parents are.

basw

That may not be related to this OP. But to suggest that it's just bad parenting and they do need SS involvement, is painful to read.

You have tor remember that school has no duty to the op. The child is not his, the couple are not married and he has no parental responsibility. They may well be concerned that he is a volatile influence in a vulnerable child's life. They may not even be aware of his ASD.

Sorry I'm confused. I don't think the child has ASD.
Is it not the man who has and he's not the child's parent?

I suppose what I meant is social services aren’t going to be doing the school’s dirty work, and if there was a school repeatedly making inappropriate referrals something would be done about it. Given OP reports there were several visits from the social worker, that indicates that the referral wasn’t inappropriate.

HarvestFly, I wasn't referring to this thread. Re whether OP has ASD or not.

I was referring to 2 posters saying :

Particularly @CallOnMe

"Parental bullying from schools is ... BS and a way to deflect from their own poor parenting.

So if you have SS involvement chances are you’re not being bullied by them or the school, you must just need it."

@CallOnMe
Sadly this is a very naive statement.
Schools do abuse and exploit parents and families and a quick google search of SEN case law, Ofsted school complaints etc will show you that false and malicious referrals from schools are a major problem , specifically in regards to children they are unlawfully excluding/illegally offrolling.

It happens daily and the growing of academies who believe they're above the law is generating escalating problems in this area.

Parental bullying from schools is a huge issue, let's not pretend otherwise.

Posts like these are BS and a way to deflect from their own poor parenting.

SS have been criticised in the media for not being involved enough in certain cases but it’s extremely rare for them to be over-involved without needing to.

All those people who have issues with them and claim they’re over involved are the ones who actually need them involved the most.

Schools absolutely do not use SS to bully and abuse parents what a ridiculous thing to say.
It’s actually very difficult to get SS involved.

As someone who works with SEND and SEMH students many of which have trauma induced issues, I have had to log concerns regularly. These don’t go straight to SS - it’s only when many concerns have been logged does it go to SS.
And of course when we’ve phoned the police the SS have to come too.

Most of the time the concerns I log are for the parents benefit too - many have SeND or MH issues themselves and struggle with day to day living but don’t get enough help. If a child hasn’t washed themselves or uniform for weeks because there’s no water in their home then of course we’re going to get other agencies involved to get them to deal with the landlord.

But then there’s cases where the parents are shit and shouldn’t be allowed their DCs - like one of our girls who was consistently raped and SA by her mums last 2 partners. Then she gets her kids back and moves a man in after meeting him only 3 days before where he was living on the street taking drugs after just coming out of prison.

SS have a terrible name but I have never had any involvement with them with my own DC (even though I was a teenage, single parent) and no one I know has ever had SS involvement when they didn’t need it.
So if you have SS involvement chances are you’re not being bullied by them or the school, you must just need it.

Contrary to your post, sadly these experiences amongst families desperately trying to secure adequate provision for their children is far from bullshit, though I hear regularly firsthand from those I am supporting it is unbearable bullshit they are forced to contend with. The tone and judgement contained within your post is also horribly familiar.....

But let's look at the facts, this recent article from the Guardian speaks loudly as to the unacceptable and invalid trauma place upon so many so unnecessarily:

www.theguardian.com/society/2016/apr/15/rise-in-referrals-social-services-trauma-families-child-protection

The stats here go further to negate your claims, which to be clear are extreme in your examples:

"A huge increase in the number of children being referred to social services has caused “catastrophic” trauma for tens of thousands of families without any corresponding increase in the number of child abuse cases detected, the author of a study has said.

According to statistical analysis by the University of the West of England, child protection referrals have risen by 297% since the Children Act came into force 23 years ago, and assessments by social services have risen by 359%. The proportion of cases in which abuse was identified has plummeted from 24% to just under 8%.

“We are now at a situation where up to 5% of all families are now referred for assessment every year,” said Dr Lauren Devine, principal investigator of the Economic and Social Research Council-funded study. “The vast majority of those do not injure or seriously harm their children, but government policy requiring risk assessment at quite a low threshold means that rather than feeling supported by social services, some families now feel fear.”

So you will naturally respond "oh but what about those who do need help?" The answer is that the current system and the growing trend for schools' abuse of it serves to alienate parents who now fear the system. Early help does not represent what many consider social services to be but many I may signpost towards the service decline involvement, for no other reason than fear. Fear from what they have witnessed, heard or read about.

Typically, those parents who have endured the bullshit inflicted upon them are often "those parents" who make the most noise in their efforts to obtain reasonable adjustments, fair delivery of the contents of their child's detailed EHCP provision or God forbid extra support. Further typically, the referral made by some well-meaning if we are to believe this professional is closed via a single telephone call, case closed with no further action needed.

Those working within the school system would do well to read and absorb the below linked article regarding parental bullying/false referrals, the impacts it has on so many children and yet further stats as to how this unadulterated bullshit is allowed to be perpetuated, along with the intended fear and harassment of parents who all to often cave to the pressure and are forced into actions and decisions which do not necessarily benefit the child in question, but just allows their parents to breathe and sleep for just a few months more. Think on that please before posting such frankly ill founded, inaccurate and offensive nonsense such as this:

So if you have SS involvement chances are you’re not being bullied by them or the school, you must just need it.
This in itself represents what complete bullshit the system not only permits, but directly reflects the thinking of too many professionals and most importantly their attitudes towards parents and families who quite frankly could do with a whole lot better from those being paid to support them, but choose instead to do what feels like seeking to destroy their very being.

www.specialneedsjungle.com/urgent-change-needed-stop-institutional-parent-carer-blaming/

Ah, ok thank you @Oblomov22
I was a bit confused!

I am not sure why this has posted two posts together, perhaps a MN glitch "quoting" the first post?!

It may well be true that three visits is the minimum for a SS investigation, but there’s a difference between SS deciding to investigate and SS just following up on a report they’ve had.

It isn’t the minimum.

100% agree with you here and the references to "shit parents" just shows exactly what disgusting levels of obstruction so many parents are forced to face. Anybody working within the SEND system, supposedly helping children with SEMH who thinks this is appropriate language along with the rest of their sickening post is unqualified and needs urgent training.

@wellhelloitsme I think that these things should be judged on a case by case basis. Someone could have been dating for months but known them for years, moving in with them is not the same issue as moving in with someone who they have only known for 4 months. I also think schools try and exert far to much control over pupils and their parents using safeguarding as an excuse.

@DoubleShotEspresso I think it is shit parenting to move a man in who abuses drugs within 3 days of meeting him. There may be very sad reasons for those actions, but it is shit parenting.

Quite.
That absolutely was not the reference though that @CallOnMe made. This referred directly to families she is supposedly supporting, "or they are just shit parents".
Her opinions and low views of those she's supporting is clear which in 2022 reads disappointingly though nothing at all surprisingly.

• not at all