To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

I’m not quite sure what other option We could have taken. Dc too Ill to go to school for nearly a year now. Dh earns more than I did and I am better with the dc than he is (which is nothing to do with me being female and him being male, I am naturally better at parenting than he is, that’s just the way it is in our relationship). So I gave up work and am financially dependent on dh. Would it have been better if he have given up work so I could continue working and we claimed benefits just to prove a point that i didn't want to be financially dependent?

When I got married (now divorced) I walked down the "aisle" by myself. My father left when I was 2 and did f all for us so why would I want him to walk me down the aisle for "tradition!"

Since I got divorced I got qualifications through the company i joined and built myself up, its all my own credit and doing. It can be done!

You're not judging SAHM but in this day and age you can't see any reasons at all why someone would be one?

Interesting how the women being snotty and judgy about it are ignoring or patronising the women who are saying why they are in that position. And by interesting, I mean the other thing...
tedious

I sadly know several widows and there parters had life insurance and occupational insurance so financially they were ok with a part time job. I know two widowers who didnt insure their stay at home wives and they had a really hard time funding childcare and having to take easier jobs to cover all the home stuff.

Like a PP I had no choice but to give up work and rely on DH's income after DC 1 was born with a rare chromosome disorder which meant she had severe disabilities resulting in frequent hospital admissions and 1:1 care needs. Then DC2 came along. Always a difficult baby/toddler and then diagnosed with ASD at the age of 6.
If you would like to explain how I could have continued to work and maintain my financial independence whilst there was no suitable/affordable childcare for 2 children who who required 1:1 I'd love to hear. I would dearly love to have carried on working but short of putting my DCs into care it was impossible.

@EllieRosesMammy i’ll bite. Life is not a bed of roses. Sometimes you plan and the plan does not happen. Maybe I should have left my child who has disabilities home alone? Or maybe bring the institutions and then I can go back to work. Some people really need to get out of their privileged bubbles.

@bigbluebus I guess the obvious question to you and others is - couldn't you and DH both have gone part time instead?

Not possible for all, admittedly, but an option that should always be considered

Which is lovely, and it really is, until it all goes wrong. Then more cases than not, the woman is stuck because she has no/little career, no money and is stuck with dc. Whilst he has his career/pension/money. That's the point! Too many women in 2022 are still in a really precarious position if it all went tits up!

We need our girls to realise they should be aiming for equality and independence first before getting saddled in a position where they are essentially fucked if it all goes wrong.

Why does it have to be the woman staying at home? Why can't both parents work 20-30 hours a week, rather than one parent working 40-50 and having all control financially? What happens if your husband dies? It's not always about cheating, people don't live forever unfortunately. Then what?
if dh we’re to die, the life insurance would pay out and after that, we would be on benefits. If I were to be the one out working we would all be on benefits now, so this way round we are saving the tax payer a bit of cash. The nature of our roles means he earns £10k a year more than me, we would be stupid to go 50/50 and take a family pay cut just for me to stay working.

FWIW, we are married, all the savings are in my name and I still pay in to a pension. I doubt dh even knows how much is in the bank account as I deal with all the banking/direct debits/money stuff.

You have done really well in difficult circumstances and are right to feel proud of yourself. However, if your children were not able to attend nursery/childcare/school due to their health needs or you were disciplined or sacked for taking time off to manage those needs, you would have little choice in the matter. This could happen to any parent with a child with chronic ill health/additional needs. It's a lot to do with luck, and some posters seem to be equating their good fortune with superiority. That is smug. I agree that people on either side of the sahm/wohm can be smug, and it is misplaced on both sides.

Totally agree OP. There’s always a way to be financially independent. I really believe that.

With two disabled DC, one of whom I home educate, I have had times when work seemed unviable. I really thought my hard earned career was dead in the water. Particularly during times of long hospital stays.

But then I found a way because I wanted it, put the help in place I needed and focused hard. I am now self employed running a successful business and earning very well.

I don’t doubt there will be times ahead when it feels impossible but I know there will always be a path back because I made it so.

I stayed at home brining my children up for 12 years
I wasn't dependant ...we were a team

Not every SAHM is being financially controlled. I had 3 years off when DS was born and could have what I wanted. I did study and work full time now.

I sort of agree, especially when I think of all the years of school and university working towards...staying at home with the children while their husband goes out to work.

Honesty compels me to add though that in practice my friends who became SAHMs are generally doing better for themselves financially than those of us who work. Even after divorce, they are better off.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4575943-to-think-work-isnt-compatible-with-being-a-mum

This is an interesting thread also running!

Personally I think life is often a lot more complex than you’ve planned for it to be, I don't know any women who are financially dependent out of laziness or simple choice.

Thank you!

THIS is the main point I'm getting at. Why do the women give up work completely, yet the men continue working full time?

Is it not better for both parties to work equal hours, split the childcare, split the housework, and both people maintain their independence?

People saying I'm "living in a bubble", not at all. My mum lost my dad when I was a baby. My 1st child's father cheated on me a couple of years ago and I kicked him out. If I was relying on him financially I wouldnt of been able to and would of had to stay with someone who emotionally ruined me.

Give me all the reasons in the world for why you aren't financially self sufficient but sorry, no matter what, I just don't see how it's a logical option in 2022.

Absolutely not an affordable option as DH was earning far more than I was. I went part time for a while after DC1 but all my salary equivalent was wiped out on childcare costs as we had to employ a nanny which was totally disproportionate to our income(and yes they were paid out of joint finances before anyone jumps onto that!) It just wasn't sustainable financially or mentally.

@Rosewaterblossom

Preaching to the choir mate.

We also need to teach our boys to want to look after their kids

I got married in 77 and was shocked to fond that a colleague,married a few years before, had opted to play the married woman's reduced rate of NI. I regarded that NI was something that you paid into for the benefit of others.

God the smugness of some posters! I can support myself financially too - doesn't make me any better or more worth than those who can't.

Also blaming women for poverty when it's structural sexism that hits girls from primary school onwards that's to blame - yes, some women make poor choices but we've also got everything stacked against us from the start.

So instead of bashing women who can't afford to leave abusive relationships, how about we work together to change the system and support women and girls?!?

Oh absolutely!

I would literally love to go around schools to give this talk!

I find it really shocking. There’s no way I’d rely financially on a man, I earn a good salary and work hard for everything I have. My mum once said my friend had done well for herself and when I questioned in what way - she said by marrying someone with a lot of money. That’s not what I class doing well for yourself. For me that’s getting yourself a good education, doing well in your career. She begrudgingly said to me a while back I’d done well (especially since I had it harder than most with a baby to care for at Uni etc)

I never reply to these threads as it's generally pointless but anyway here is my opinion from the other side...I'm a SAHM by choice, I prefer it to any work I've ever done, my husband would be happy either way but this way he never has to worry about taking time off work for the kids, pulling an equal share of household jobs (which he absolutely would do) whilst working 12/13 hour days 6 days a week with frequent travel. I'll go back to work when the youngest is at school but right now I'm enjoying my life as is and I love it very much. Me and the kids take multiple weeks of holiday a year, there are no worries about annual leave allowance, no worries about juggling who takes a day off because dc is sick, or who fits in taking them to x,y,z appointment. We're not run off our feet, no one is burnt out, the mental load is more then manageable. I might rely on my husband financially but he relies just as strongly on me for other aspects of life. If godforbid he died then life insurance would cover us till I got set up, I have a good degree to fall back on and parents who could financially and physically support me if they had to. I have many friends who are SAHM and all who have great lives they enjoy!