To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

I’m totally dependent on my dh but there’s no alternative - i have autism and we have a large family so I can’t work plus I need his help to function on a daily basis as there are a lot of things I just can’t do.

If he ever left / died I’d be absolutely ruined so I try not to think about that happening

Some of our dc have disabilities too so there are a lot of factors and i just don’t have a choice or other options

I would say we're living in a time of incredible financial hardship where running a household on a single income is incredibly difficult.

My husband and I both work. Neither of us could afford to live without the others income.

It's not just SAHM's who are reliant on their husbands income for their stability.

Oh do you? Well that's that then.
/the sheer ignorance and fatuity of your comment is breathtaking. No one has twins on a low salary, or a disability, or disabled children for whom no one wants to provide childcare, or partner whose work is abroad or erratic, or or or. What a small world you live in.

I think believing that you should rely on noone but yourself financially and have the freedom and independence that comes with it is perfect in theory.
However once children come along to that's much harder to maintain .
I think its changing but I'm 50 and in my age range it was very common to give up work/ go part time to look after children and take a knock on your career and financial independence. ( there was very little free childcare entitlement limited maternity pay , flexible working and WFH wasnt really a thing.) So I think there are women my age in a vulnerable situation because society has changed and perhaps so has the law regarding divorce / spousal maintenance.
When I gave up work for a while before DC started school I thought of me and DH as an equal partnership , each making different but equally important contributions to our family but unfortunately can that leave you financially vulnerable and have long term consequences for your career so in retrospect its naive.
Many women still carry most of the mental load and do more childcare and housework and
I do think that there is a biological/ hormonal l urge that makes many women want to spend more time with DC and scale back work, as well as practical considerations.

It’s an odd world where you can’t trust the partner you live with and have children with. I can’t imagine how that would be. Who brings the money home doesn’t matter.

@Ncwinc

It’s usually the mother who takes the career hit.

By choice.

There's absolutely nothing prescribed in law that says it has to be that way.

Not a criticism in any way but do you feel pressure to keep the relationship working as it would be so horrendous if you broke up? Do you worry that it’s too much pressure on your DH to support you to that extent along with disabled children? I have a friend who relies very heavily on her DH and I can see the cracks appearing as he’s struggling with the responsibility and I don’t know how to help or whether they can power through. She won’t cope alone.

Not sure where I even once said that women who don't work are terminally lazy?

Please look into life insurance!

Yes I agree OP, it's all very backwards. We want our girls/women to be equal to men so how in 2022 is it still the norm for women to be totally dependent and almost helpless to a man? As in, if the relationship were to end, he'd be ok and she'd be buggered?

Although I still find it odd that in 2022 women still get their fathers to walk them down the aisle to "give them away," w
hen the tradition stems from men "keeping" their daughters until she got married then he'd "give her away" to another man to basically look after and keep. FFS.

It's reality. And it's not just about not trusting them, people die. My dad died when I was 2 and thank god my mum never relied on him financially.

If someone needs to stay at home with the DC because childcare is too expensive it makes sense for the lower earning parent to do so. Nine times out of ten that will be the mother.

This!! I'm getting married myself in 2024 and as my father passed away when I was a baby my mum expected to "give me away". I had to inform her no one will be giving me away as I'm not property to give to anyone, I know its tradition but I don't agree with it. I was raised to be independent and I can still be independent even in marriage

Where I live, a minimum wage job would not be enough to live alone. You would have to claim universal credit and even then I'm not sure you would have enough to pay child care, rent bills etc. So even if you work full time you are still somewhat dependent on each other. This thread strikes me as a little naive.

What a disgusting post!!!

To spout out shite like that and then say you're not slating people. YES, yes you are !!!

Not everyone can afford to put their children into childcare, some would say what's the point of leaving your children all day, travelling and working long hours to hand it over to a childminder.

Some of us have disabled children, some are disabled themselves.

Not everyone's husband is cheating. Some of us have decent partners who are only too delighted to support us staying at home, providing the childcare and the care for our disabled children. Some of us are happy doing this.

Take your judgey pants and feck off on your judgey bike.

@SofiaSoFar - there are biological reasons. Lots of companies dont promote pregnant women for instance - not officially of course. Lots of women find things like morning sickness, tiredness, pregnancy complications, birth complications impact on their ability to work at full capacity for enough time it has an impact. Not all. But enough to be statistically relevant. Icouldnt do some aspects of my job for 3 years after birth which did impact hugely.

And when i had my children men couldnt share parental leave, so legally I had to take the mat leave or put a young baby in chikdcare.its not that long that men can share that first year..

Yanbu.

I can understand why some people feel they need to be dependent on their husbands but I'd rather be dependent on the state.

Honestly I'd prefer to take my chances with my DH rather than the State.
I chose DH, I didn't pick Boris Johnson !

As others have said, it's a great idea in theory but things don't always pan out that way.

I always thought I'd be in work (as my mother was) but I have a child with additional needs who's now home educated. Even if he were able to go to school, work would be incredibly difficult to maintain since finding childcare for him would be impossible.

Also, I think pay in general is so low that should many women who work need to up and leave their partner (and probably a lot of men too) they'd struggle and think twice about leaving.

I am in the reverse position- my SAHD husband is entirely dependent on me and my income. It is interesting the shocked reaction I get from colleagues and people generally about our family set up. I was at home myself for a period when the kids were small, child care was too costly and my disability was going through a rough patch - so totally understand how SAHMs end up in that position with childcare costs and the general logistics of school etc. But I wouldn’t want to be in that position long term. My husband is aiming to get back on the economic ladder too before long with my full support - it’s not good for anyone to be totally reliant on another person long term.

I agree with you op. I have a disabling autoimmune condition and two children with chronic health conditions, but I am so glad I battled and juggled to ensure I was never financially dependent on my ex. and could leave when his emotional abuse turned physical.

I know full well that it's "not that simple" but equally there is a tranche of women who actually just make a lifestyle choice to be financially dependent.... And tend to be quite smug about it till it all goes wrong. It's naivety I think. The "he would never do that to me" mentality. And I don't know how we get past jt

Well why though? I earned the same as my H throughout my marriage. I expect my girls to earn the same as my boys.

But also on this thread there are quotes from women who say, that they want to be at home, that they feel fortunate, that they can't afford childcare from their salary (when of course it's a joint expense). These women don't think ever that they might end up alone. Or stuck in a marriage that they don't want to be in. I never understand why you would not ensure that you are able to be independent and to support yourself.

I will always teach my girls that lesson.

It's not slating people to ask why women continue to allow men to control them financially in 2022?

Why does it have to be the woman staying at home? Why can't both parents work 20-30 hours a week, rather than one parent working 40-50 and having all control financially? What happens if your husband dies? It's not always about cheating, people don't live forever unfortunately. Then what?

Most people, women and men are happy with the status quo.

They like the equality lite. The illusion of equality.

They dont push against it because it 'suits their family'

They never question to deeply why men in charge financially and them doing most of the childcare and house work rather than the other way round would just coincidentally suit their family

Lots of women and men think we already habe equality.

Why look for more?

(Have a wee look at America and you might get a clue)