To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

Do you not half feel persecuted on a thread like this 🙁

My mum was disabled, and though my dad was a great hands on father who did lots with us and would do anything for her, was loving and caring (and 12 years after her death, still has never looked at another woman) but she STILL taught me never to be reliant on a man. DH earns more than me and obviously being married to him means my standard of living is higher, but if he died or left me, I’d still be fine because I work full time in a well paid job. I did a few years part time when DS was small and I appreciate that a) I was luck to be able to drop my hours then pick them up again and b) that probably damaged my career a bit, but still. I’d never chose to give up work unless forced to by ill health.

I don't work because I have a young family and I don't think nursery is the best place for a baby. It has left me more vulnerable but I do have savings and assets and my husband will provide funds for any training I need to get back into the workforce or change career. I could also get back to work if I needed to. The house is paid for and in my name.

He has leant on me when he was in a worse position financially. Now he is earning well and I actually feel very lucky to enjoy my time with my kids and still have a good quality of life. I don't feel like I am sponging off him, I feel more like we have a partnership and we are bringing up our babies in a way we always said we wanted to. When they are old enough I will be back to the rat race no doubt, but for now I am enjoying a different type of life. It might be "mad" to you but it is suiting everyone well at the moment.

There are other types of dependence. We have always had joint finances and over our married life sometimes he has earned more, sometimes I have. Now retired but I am dependent on him because of my chronic pain condition.
So I can shop and cook, do light jobs, but he has to do all the main housework, repairs and maintenance.
He's fantastic but I feel so guilty.

Yep

Its not simple in many cases, when there is a child whose has a disability and a husband who wont pick up any slack, or a move to a country where you end up stuck, or a problem with your own health. There are many ways in which a male can get an upper hand on you when children are involved. And digging yourself out of those traps can take years if not decades. I think (hope) there is much more information available now for women with the internet and places like mumsnet, so such traps can be better avoided. But when I was first married and had children they didn't exist.

I'm really happy that your kids could go to regular childcare/be cared for by family. How smug you are! It's not the same for everyone 🙄

I agree although do appreciate it's never black and white.

Dh out earns me but I could manage alone if need be. The thought of total reliance on another terrifies me.

Big big assumption!
Smug no, sensible maybe, lazy definitely not!

Childcare costs are a huge factor. The cost of childcare in the U.K. means that it often isn’t financially viable for both parents to work full time, particularly if they have two DC under school age. It’s usually the mother who takes the career hit. If the couple split, the mother is likely to have the children for the majority of the time - one weeknight and every other weekend at with the father is a common arrangement. The CMS payment to support two DC in those circumstances would cover 2 weeks of full time nursery fees for an 18 month old.

In a perfect world YANBU but many can't afford to live without 2 incomes. In the earlier stages of our marriage both me and DH were relian

Sort of agree OP. I have a decent but not highly paid public sector job. If DH and I were to split up I’d struggle to afford rent and bills in a half decent place even if I went up to full time, split the childcare costs and had any child support money. That’s not due to me relying on DH but the huge cost of living and stagnated wages for the public sector. I am lucky that I have wealthy family who I know would step in and help so wouldn’t have to stay in a relationship if I wasn’t happy but so many don’t have that safety net. It’s not just a case of becoming a SAHM and dallying around spending your husbands money.

T on each other. We couldn't have afforded to live separately.

Yes, but in the current economy and with the outrageous price of accommodation two incomes can be needed just to get by. Not everyone is a high earner.

Comparison of net childcare costs in European countries

www.oecd.org/els/soc/benefits-and-wages/Net%20childcare%20costs%20in%20EU%20countries_2019.pdf

I'm not sure you assume someone dependent on thier spouse isnt working. The cost of housing and childcare is so high that someone can easily be dependent on their partner with a job.

It's not just money it staggers me the number of women who have children with dead beat men .

Lots of incredibly smug responses here SickKid.

I often have hip pain so have to pace myself during the day with tasks. As if getting back to work is as simple as others are making out...

No one likes to find out in their early twenties they have an autoimmune condition that usually only affects those in their 50s.

You sound very disingenuous to me OP.

Of course there are many women 100% reliant on their partner's income. Children (especially multiple births, multiple children, disabled children, preschool children) nake all the difference.

Shouldn't the question be - why doesn't society do more to value parenting and ensure that the "motherhood tax" has as short-term and limited an impact on women as possible.

To call those who don't work due to childcare "terminally lazy" is sneery anx misinformed at best and spiteful and misogynistic (since the burden of child rearing falls extremely disproportionately on women) at worst.

YANBU.

The number of women who are in the circumstances you describe has been a massive eye-opener for me since joining MN.

Since leaving home to go to university I have never been, and will never be financially dependent on any man.

It’s clear that some women, particularly those in certain minority ethnic groups are trapped by patriarchal misogynistic cultural & religious practices. They have no real choice about marriage, children & financial independence from men.

But why so many educated, capable women from mainstream backgrounds allow themselves to be trapped like this baffles me. Maybe they are so desperate to have children that they don’t care about giving up their independence & making themselves vulnerable until it’s too late?

Sponging how?

I work full time and think I would just about cope if we split. I guess I would I have to take on a more demanding job which paid better. One of the school dads died recently, which really got me thinking what would happen if this happened to me? I think it’s a risky position for a woman to not have her own career going on. Always have a plan b.

Why would I work when I can look after my own children?

Maybe some women use work as an excuse to get out of childcare

We can and do.