To think work isn’t compatible with being a mum

[Ori1]

Not until they’re about 6. The system as it is requires women to basically do the hardest job going (birthing/parenting through the early years) and work a job. I do both, and quite honestly it’s a fucking shitshow - I’m permanently tired, I feel like a Jack of all trades & a master of none, I also feel like a fraud at work because I’m constantly comparing myself to colleagues who don’t have kids & who seem to have boundless enthusiasm/energy.

I just think the way society is does nothing to benefit women and everything to complement men. Why don’t women get any slack whilst doing the most important job there is; why haven’t we thought of ways. they can be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

One of the problems is women dragging others down and judging them for the choices they make. I can assure this thread will turn into the evidence to prove that.

But yes, I do think it is incredibly hard to be a working mum. I think there is always a compromise wether that be time with your child or bringing in money to the household.

In most cases, You can't have it all in terms of having all the time with your children and having a career, nor should that be the expectation of women. Most jobs are not geared up to fit around school hours, for dropping off and picking up, we are in a position now where working from home is now (thankfully ) a viable option, but I'm not sure that helps much with young children at home.

Nursery fees are not inviting to that average salary earner, they are too expensive, especially with problem of static wages and rising living cost, this will only get worse.

I think more flexible working hours would help, but OP yes it is horrible for those who have to be constantly dashing and rushing to try and manage both if they don't want to.

The SAHM model is quite unique to a set of countries and social classes in them.
In poorer countries e.g. Eastern Europe at least since WW2 women went to work just like men (apart from maternity leave) and childcare was provided by the state.

100% agree with everything you've written op.

I realised that 'having it all' basically meant I was expected to achieve the same as men/women without children while being able to stay up with a poorly child and have no time in the evening to catch up with work.

I also had to be really fucking grateful if they let me have the afternoon off to watch my kid in a school play. And make up the work I missed anyway.

It sucks.

Thats you OP, doesn't mean every woman feels like that after having kids. Nursery years are so much easier than school years as childcare can cover the full working day, on e kida are at school its then sorting multiple before/after school clubs to cover work.

I've loved being back at work aince i had DD, i work full time, had a couple of promotions, and do a good job. BUT i have a very supportive husband who does his 50% of household/childcare.

I don't want to stay at home with my children 24/7, i want to go to work. Don't presume all women do want to stay at home

Couple of unnecessarily aggressive posts here. The OP is clearly just shattered

I've just gone back to work 27.5 hours after having my little boy last year. It's only ten hours less than I used to do and I do 12 hour shifts. I am absolutely exhausted with it all. I have so much guilt and feel like we are in a constant cycle of tasks. Between work, the house, trying to make decent meals and the dog I'm done in and I do have a partner who shares the load.

My career drive has gone out the window since returning though and I'm only there because I have to be.

I struggled to find childcare that fitted in with my shifts and the most irritating thing was my MIL saying 'it was never this hard to find childcare when I had little ones'. She never had a job and got to stay at home.. 🙄

I voted YABU because my male partner is in exactly the same shit show situation I am. It's about flexible employers not men vs women.

Op knows that. She is one of them.

I agree - expectations at work don't change but your workload and levels of tiredness increase massively.
I however disagree it gets better after 6 yo...

In general though, I think one of the driving forces here is that women, particularly middle class women, have a lot of pressure on them to parent in a way that is quite full on. You definitely don’t just pretty much leave the children to it any more - that’s how I was raised.

In addition to this, many middle class women have children later, so are less likely to have support from their own families. So you find yourself working and wanting to parent in a way that doesn’t involve too much Mr Tumble, and it’s really, really hard.

I think you can't do it all and I think it's not really a workable choice for lower paid in this country as the costs of good childcare are too high.

Its workable where the following factors apply:

• supportive DH who does their share
• high earner so can afford to outsource cleaning etc
• job with the seniority or work type that enables a degree of flexibility to accommodate children's illness and the like.
• rock solid childcare

However many women try to do it based on:

• a DH who either doesnt exist or doesn't pitch in
• lower earnings that don't provide the budget to spend money to save time
• inflexible work
• informal childcare eg mixtures of some nursery, but reliance on family for some plus a bit of trying to work with children at home etc

This just doesnt work.

I personally think it's bloody hard to work more than 30 hours a week, probably more like 25 or so if you have a 1hour commute, with children under 8, unless you primarily outsource it all to a nanny.

If it were the norm for mothers to be out of the workplace for a decade or so (from when child 1 is born until last child is 6) it would be a huge step backwards for feminism. You'd lose lots of skills and be out of date in any industry. And be dependent on someone else for money.

Those early years are hard, and yes childcare crazy expensive, but worth it to keep career ticking over for many (most?) women.

Obviously it's right for some people, which is fine. I would not have wanted to be out of work for that long and I'm sure lots of others feel the same.

How often did you stay up with your sick child? 2-3 nights a year? And one school play a year?

That isn't the handicap to a successful career that you think it is...

It’s the patriarchy.

Men - fathers - need to do more. Then parents will be judged equally.

Change begins at home. Start there.

I think it can be compatible. I am managing to work nearly full time, self employed so easier than if employed in some respects and harder in others, and have had my best earning years post my daughter being born. However my husband does alot and we have family helping with childcare. So I think it can work but it depends so much on your partner and childcare.

There are two parents, both need to be putting in the work to support each other and look after the children.

This doesn’t necessarily mean splitting each job down the middle, but both need to put in the effort, and each needs to get some time off, for themselves, when possible.

Tens of millions of women in this country alone work and have kids under 6

Tens of millions?

OP what does the child's father do?

Why don’t women get any slack whilst doing the most important job there is; why haven’t we thought of ways. they can be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

Being a mum is not the most important job. I hate this attitude and it frankly does nothing for equality.
It is important for both parent to be actively involved in raising their children.

Having young children is hard and so is juggling young children along side working full time. It’s only harder for mums when they have shit partners who don’t step up. Working doesn’t have to be any harder for mums than dads.

The SAHM model is quite unique to a set of countries and social classes in them

This is very true. Working class women have pretty much always worked. Young children were left with grandparents, older siblings, neighbours, or people worked in occupations where children were taken along. Children were left with no adult supervision at all at much younger ages than we expect now.

@CarlCarlson

You’re purposefully misunderstanding the point of the post. I get that there are many many women working with kids under 6. I’m one of them. My question is, why hasn’t society adapted so that women don’t have to do both if they choose not to? It’s hard being a working mum to children under 6, as I’m sure you know.

I agree with you. I used to enjoy the work/life balance that working part time gave me but since I became a single parent it's fucking relentless and I don't feel like I have time to have a job, even though I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous. I now seem to do the absolute bare minimum at work and at home. It's just impossible for me to do everything to a high standard. My kids are 7 and 4 now yet I don't feel like it's going to improve any time soon. Maybe people who have a supportive partner on the scene feel differently.

I sort of agree OP but I don't know what the answer is. I didn't want to be at home, and as the breadwinner I couldn't afford it either.
I love my job, am senior enough to take time off without scrutiny, have family childcare support, can outsource cleaning etc. but really, you can't outsource an unwell child and if you want any sort of quality of life it's impossible. I just toughed it out but it was really hard. And honestly speaking I think my DD needed a FT parent at home until she was 5.

Why don’t women get any slack whilst doing the most important job there is; why haven’t we thought of ways. they can be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

I'd also add... what about men? Greater flexibility should extend to both parents as imho the best outcome is both parents working slightly reduced hours. this protects family budget, keeps peoples work skills fresh but provides for extra time for family.

Your comment about women doing the early years parenting. Well, they don’t have to. Men can do it just as well. Except breastfeeding, but presumably formula would count as one of the ways to support women’s choices that you talk about?

I agree wholeheartedly with @NoSquirrels
Women need to stop having babies with such useless men. Men need to stop being so useless.