To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

@EllieRosesMammy But i dont get why two people working part time, sharing childcare and housework arent dependent on each other. If the other left wouldnt they then have to find a different job, pay for childcare that wasnt needed before etc.

Because you can't be fired and lose your career overnight and be left with nothing can you?

Women are sp often the care givers. The children, the elderly relatives, it’s the women who step up and care for them. Yes of course they could turn around and say ‘nope, you’re all going into childcare/ nursing homes and I’m off to pursue my career’ but most won’t do so juggle everything and everyone to the point of exhaustion. You can totally see why if you had a husband and enough to get by you wouldn’t work. A lot of women are just trying to survive and get through each day at a time. They don’t have the luxury of worrying about their future pension and career. My own mum, worked, took care of her 3 dc, was abused by my ( unemployed ) father and then went out in the evenings after we went to bed to care for my sick grandma, grandfather and in a street further away my great Auntie. She used to get up at 5, get them all up and out of their beds, clean them, make them food and help them to use the toilet. Then race back to get us ready for school and herself for work. . If she’d have had a decent husband who could have been supportive financially I’m sure she wouldn’t have been unreasonable to have given up work.

Only until the dc are in full time education, then they are fucked. Often women don't think about this until its too late 😔

I enjoyed looking after my children when they were little. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It wasn’t a chore, or something I resented. I was happy to do it.

I rely on my DH and he relies on me. It’s team work. We made a life together, and we support each other through everything. It’s not always plain sailing, but we work things out.

What was the Cher quote?

"My mother told me when I grow up I need to find and marry a rich man. I said to her, mother, I am a rich man."

I love that!

When myself and my ex separated we just kept our working days the same and coparented, so childcare and our jobs stayed the same. Obviously I know this wouldn't be the case for everyone but most work places are supportive of people with specific childcare arrangements.

I agree and I find it astounding that young women proactively do it today. I keep reading “but my wage would not cover child care” no, honey you only pay fifty percent, your long term financial independence is invaluable.

what I find worse though is the screeching that he should give you his money. Just give it to you. Equal access to the money, as you’ve a fanny and had a kid.so cmon he should pay you.

it’s disturbing and embarrassing.

Yes I do worry it’s a lot of pressure.

i do feel I need to mask at home sometimes which is hard but then it gives dh a break 😞 he would never ask me to but sometimes I just do it as it’s all I can do to help

That's just a job, not your whole career.
In theory you could become disabled, be implicated in a very big scandal, etc, but it's the same level of risk you take stepping outside your house every day.
Men fucking off (for a younger model or otherwise) is incredibly common.

Love that quote and I love Cher!

It's not uncommon but more in the older age group not so much younger women.

Same as alot of men rely on the wife to do the cooking.

But the cost of living means in most cases 2 incomes are required so it’s not really surprising not that many people can’t go it alone?

also that Lady Gaga quote is bullshit, plenty of careers chew you up and spit you out in your 40s.

As for the cooking, we are both chefs in our house... So neither of us cooks because we are tired from cooking for other people all day, and we order takeout instead 😂

It's not black and white. I had a career then my son was born disabled, my dm became ill. I became a carer for my son, my dm and my dgd. For my own health I had to give up work.

I really admire you for being one of the RARE SAHM who points out that it's a nice life.
The majority of threads always descend into SAHM's complaining it's harder than working outside the home, they're making such a valuable sacrifice, it's such a hard job they work 24/7 etc etc. Also usually a dig about WOHM not being full-time parents and giving their children to others to raise.

The truth is people have a choice. Barring the unexpected like disabled children nobody's FORCED into being a SAHM (surely they knew the cost of childcare etc before deciding to reproduce). Poorer women have always worked, multiple jobs and shifts. Taking in ironing, doing cleaning.

There was never an utopia where most women 'stayed home to raise the children' and did that alone.

There is a disgusting attitude towards women who choose to be stay at home Mums on here, and for some of them, its not so much a choice due to circ umstances. So much for so called feminism and allowing all women to make their own choices without judgement. Alot of men now expect their wives or partners to carry on exactly the same after childbirth, because that way of life suits them, not so much the women.
If women were truely happy running themselves into the ground trying to do it all, they would' nt be constantly judging and shaming women who made different choices to them. There are many full time working mothers who actually have very little control over their finances, the husband makes sure of that, and l can guarantee should the partnership break down the fact that you do have a satety net does not mean you will necessarily have an easier time of it as you won't be entitled to any help.

I think it’s incredibly dangerous for a woman to rely on a man completely financially, but I didn’t realise that until I was after my DTs were born. All joint finances here, but it would cost our household way more than I’d earn for me to work, so that was that.

I could never give the kids the lifestyle we have alone, but now they’re nearly school age, with work and UC I could just about support us at a drastically reduced level.

If DH just decided to leave me, we’d be fucked in the short term, but would have family support so we’d muddle through somehow I guess. If he were to die, I’d be minted (as would he be if I died) so there’s that.

I’m definitely going to raise my DD to chase the career so that if she has babies she has a choice in staying at home or working full time, just so she’s never stuck in some shitty relationship but unable to leave due to something as stupid as money.

Knowing I’ve fucked up my life before kids absolutely sucks, because they’re the most amazing people and I can’t give them the lifestyle we have if it all goes to shit. Luckily things are good, and I don’t see it falling apart, but who does?!

@Moonface123

Feminism has nothing to do with choices without judgement

If you make a sexist choice it remains a sexist choice.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I love DH and he is thoroughly decent but there’s no way I would be hopelessly dependent on him, I wouldn’t put that much blind faith and trust in anyone. Being independent and having our own lives is one of the things that keeps our relationship healthy and equal. In my opinion, making men do their half of the childcare and family life facilitation whilst maintaining your own careers makes sense. I couldn’t imagine living any other way, but I know many women happy to stay at home and think it’s madness to keep working. Everyone is entitled to their own view but I feel mine is more future proof.

Some women are just in the poverty trap and always have been. It's incredibly difficult to get out of, even with an education. Not everyone on here is middle class.

It wasn't that long ago that women who worked full-time were criticised for not doing enough for their children and focusing on their career rather than their children (not sure why that criticism was never levelled at men). Now stay at home mothers are criticised for not financially contributing to the household. It's just an observation but strange how it's changed so much in quite a short period of time. Think it's all to do with the fact that bringing up a child now requires 2 incomes rather than 1.

Unfortunately it's not as simple as that just like life in general.

@Runnerduck34 I agree totally - I am now 60 and society has changed. It was very common to get married a lot younger ,give up work and only pick it up again when kids were 11 plus or do a bit of part time that fitted around your husband consequently there's a whole load of women 50 and over who have large gaps on their CV and even if they are in work now, it's not always at the level they can support themselves easily if on their own due to massive house price increases, stagnant wages etc not everyone has inherited or has tons of equity to just cash in if they find themselves alone. I do however think there are far too many younger women putting themselves in vulnerable positions these days in clearly not very secure situations.

Ugh, this is such a wanky arguement that ignores the many, many complex situations women find themselves in. It's almost naïve.

I have a secure public sector job, my own savings, pension etc. But with the cost of living crisis and house prices being what they are, I would not be able to afford to pay all the bills if it was just me and the kids. Just me would be less of an issue but still a struggle. My husband earns 4 times my salary because he's bloody good at what he does. So yeah, I depend on him to pay the bills, not sure what else I'm supposed to do? Morons keep voting for the party that won't give me an inflation matched pay rise which doesn't help.