To think people these days are not prepared to make marriage work?

[HipsterMum]

Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily?

P.S I don't really think there is right or wrong answer to that and that every situation is different but just wanted to hear opinions on that.

It Depends what you're arguing over. Simply annoyances might be fine to ignore but if they represent basic ideological differences, I can see why you might get bored of trying to keep it going

You sound like my mother.
She thinks the same and continually beats about how people used to stick together no matter what. Why thstvis a good thing I'll never know.

How many times have you seen on MN that everyone loves the husband, for example but behind closed doors he bottles and humilates or rapes his wife.
So much goes on in people's lives if you scratch beneath the surface.
People dont tell you everything about their lives. Sometimes it's to save face sometimes to protect the children but I'm guessing it's mostly nothing to do with other people.

It depends. Why stay in a marriage if it's a complete chore and only brings you sadness. What is worth fighting for? The problem comes when the worst of times are far more frequent than the best of times for a prolonged period. I assume you haven't reached that point with your DH hence why you're happy to fight.

Why would you marry someone you have major ideological differences though if you are not prepared to accept them? Surely that's what you usually pay attention to during the dating stage, no? Genuinely asking.

I think that people these days are no longer prepared to tolerate being in an abusive or otherwise toxic relationship, whereas in days gone by they just put up with it and carried on.

Nobody should feel obliged to stay in a relationship like that just because they are married to their abuser.

Make it work for what? Why is it not valid to walk away just because you want to?

Exactly this. No one should have to justify not wanting to be in a relationship with another person. It’s not a great moral failing or weakness

Personally I think it's a good thing divorce rates are so high. It means that women are not longer forced (through financial dependency, shame or religion) to stay with someone who makes them unhappy.

Who cares if divorce rates are high, why is that an issue to you if your marriage is a happy one?

Well yes, sometimes people give up on marriage too easily, others give up after just the right amount of incompatibility called the Goldilocks zone, and sometimes others cling on to marriage long after they should have given up.

We are human, it is inevitable that not everyone will give up on marriage in the Goldilocks zone.

YABU

YABU.

You don’t need to ‘fight’ for a relationship at all costs. If you don’t want to be with someone any more then that’s OK. It doesn’t need to be a big life-altering thing like cheating or abuse - people change, and sometimes that includes not liking the things or people we used to like.

it’s possible that some people have unrealistic expectations of what marriage will bring them, especially if they’ve been socialised to believe that it’s aspirational and what everyone should want.

But reaching a stage in a relationship where you can’t be bothered to put in any more effort is often after years of issues - death by 1000 cuts - and realising that you’re no longer happy.

I very much doubt your friends have got divorced of the small things you think you know. There will be many issues you have no idea about that will have made them come to that decision.

No in my post I do mentioned that I wasn't talking about some major issues such as abuse. I understand that it can be even more difficult for some to leave abusive relationships.

Surely, every relationship goes through challenging, less fun stages and you usually meat each other half way to get through them?

You don’t know what goes on in anyone else’s relationship.
A break up doesn’t mean you’ve “failed”.
I can’t say I’d like to be in a relationship like you, OP, where you “frequently get annoyed with [your] husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments”. I used to be in a marriage like that. I’m now in a happy relationship where my partner doesn’t annoy me and we don’t have big arguments. It’s a much nicer way to live.

In my experience, women try their utmost to keep the relationship going but can't do it by themselves.
Unfortunately, it seems that quite a lot of men don't want to put the effort in. They're usually the driver of the relationship breaking down by their actions (or inactions in some cases)

Maybe they are not telling you everything , just using the stock phrase we just drifted apart . Another way of saying I do t want to go into detail

A good friend of mine divorced after a few years of marriage, and some mutual friends were confused and weirded out because nothing “bad” had happened. The husband was good-looking, had a decent job, pleasant, a good father to their two girls, no abhorrent habits. She just didn’t want to be married to him any more and he felt the same. It wasn’t flippant, it took them a long time to get there and it was very sad in a way. But ultimately it was the right way for them and the gossip / bitchiness about how ungrateful she was (not a slur ever put upon him, as far as I know) was dreadful.

I think a a lot of people just drift into marriage as friends bevy it's expected of them , or their friends are doing it or get married too young and evolve in to different people. People are living longer . When marriage was invented it was only meant to last 20 to 25 years max . Most people didn't live into their mid eighties

Especially when children are involved I don't personally think it is often that easy, no? You can often feel like you want to walk away in life thats a normal feeling but I don't think you can absolutely always do that without thinking of any consequences. I respect everyone's opinion as I didn't even add the voting option as I don't think it is appropriate as all situations are different.

People can change- a LOT. Often the person you date and marry is not the person they become as they go through major life changes. This from both sides obviously.

Maybe "people these days" are just able to do what "people in those days" wished they could. There's no medal for modeling a crappy relationship to your kids for fifty years, or for suffering a lifetime of mediocre. I'm not sure why other peoples "insufficient" reasons for divorce would be so interesting nor do know a woman with kids who would walk away from a marriage without having thought long and very hard about it.

My post wasn't about my relationship and no I do not think an argument says much about the fundamental things your relationship is based on. You can have an argument and still have a happy relationship because you can admit your mistakes, apologise and move forward. I am sorry, I do not believe people who say they never argue and thats why they are truly in a happy relationship all the time. Nobody can be happy all the time thats impossible.

I think some people expect too much from their relationship/partner. Some people expect too little, but that’s a whole other thread!

I think (abuse asides) that people should be prepared to put effort into their relationship when there are children involved. Both women and men. Be it counselling, spending time together away from kids, getting involved in each other’s hobbies.

The grass isn’t always greener and I do know women who regret breaking up their families a bit further down the line.

Obviously this is far from clear cut and is totally dependent on the relationship in question.

Why would you want anyone to stay in a marriage that makes them unhappy.
People are no more frivolous with marriage than the were before, women are just more likely to have the financial independence and balls to be able to leave if a relationship isn’t adding value to their life.

Depends - I think if you have kids, mostly (mostly!) you are better staying together, not because the kids wouldn't be fine, but because financially two households are a bastard and childcare is way harder if you aren't in one place.

If you haven't got to kids yet.. well if you are young there is the concept of the starter marriage - oops I picked the wrong one. In which case why not just start again. You change a lot from 20s to 30s and you might well pick better when older and wiser.

The other more general thing is we are married for such a long time now, and there isn't the economic necessity to be there used to be.. and while there is a lot to be said for going through life in a partnership, it's not like there aren't other equally rich ways to go through life. So I think if you are post kids or no kids, it also might be perfectly reasonable to call it, and move onto a new phase of life, assuming you can afford it.

Being single happily or in shorter term relationships does usually involve having a strong friend network network, but that can be done.