To think people these days are not prepared to make marriage work?

[HipsterMum]

Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily?

P.S I don't really think there is right or wrong answer to that and that every situation is different but just wanted to hear opinions on that.

I think if judgemental posts bother you you probably shouldn't have started a thread that reads like a very judgemental attack on people who don't want to be unhappily married.

You can't put something out there that reads like a big criticism then get cross that people respond in kind.

This^ . If a life long marriage is not something you can both commit too, why get married? There is no societal pressure to do so.
I have said before on here that I (and thankfully my DH), don't make promises we believe we can't stick too. And yes, I have a long 30+ year marriage.

Is it a good thing to spend years working on something that doesn't make anyone happy? Is that an achievement or something to be proud of? Of that's how you feel... knock yourself out. Sounds like your friends had other ideas.

Yabu

Those damn women! How dare they? 😂

Too much equality? Isn't that an oxymoron or something?

This! If the arguments are constant even if over small things, why bother? You only get one life so why spend it with someone who annoys you so much you are frequently arguing over petty things?

I've heard this a few times in the past, and I've generally just figured it was because people are less prepared to put up with abuse now than they used to be.

It's also not nice to go through unemployment, poverty, to have to move your family across multiple countries to survive, to be discriminated , to have chronic illnesses, to see your children get sick, to lose people you love, to go through mental health problems or support someone in any of those things. It is not happy times and are not carefree. Of course they affect relationship with your partner how would they not? You are saying I am unreasonable to think that you cannot have a carefree marriage for many many years that will not go through any of those things and not be affected one bit? Perhaps we simply live in a different world.

both me and DH think particularly younger people don’t take marriage or commitment seriously any more.

Both you and DH have no clue how serious or committed other people are about their marriages though. The only marriage you really know all the ins and outs of is your own. Just because a marriage ultimately doesn't work out that doesn't mean they didn't take it seriously. That's incredibly judgemental to make that assumption. Divorce is stressful enough I imagine without people around you speculating that it's your fault for not working hard enough at your marriage.

"I've been married for 45 miserable years and I don't see why anyone else should get out of it!"

I'm separating. Things went south with my husbands mental health 4 years ago. I've worked at it for 4 years and I'm so exhausted it's taking away my ability to be a good mum. My feelings towards him suddenly changed. I'm so mentally abused and exhausted from him that I'm done. I can't do it anymore.

In the beginning he was going to be amicable but now he's turned which was expected so I've told him to leave immediately and I have an appointment with a solicitor.

It's going to be tough on the kids and me but how I put up with the mental torture for 4 years I have no idea. Im almost broken so it's now or never.

Good for you. You’ve got nothing to prove to anyone and I wish you and your DC many happier easier years ahead of you.

People can change though. Sometimes quite drastically. Think of perfectly regular people who get caught up in cults, qanon etc

OP, as we all know, personalities are complex and when people grow in relationships different aspects to our partners become clear. When I met exDH we were perfect together, but when the socialising, partying, travelling and spontaneous stuff calmed after 2 kids we realised we were very different people. He was definitely my Mr Right Now, not Mr Right. I've realised over the years that his upbringing has a huge amount to do with it - it explains why he is the way he his. We argued all the time and made each other miserable. He's a great person in so many ways, but was a crap husband and I became a crap wife as I was so unhappy. We disagreed about everything, not least how to raise our children/ our basic philosophy of life.

He continues to be an outstanding father and we get on incredibly well. My DH of 12 years and he get on even better, I think. My DH is just the best person and I'm, thankfully, very happy. It sounds like your friends haven't been lucky to find someone who makes them happy yet: I hope they will. You were just lucky that you and your OH are compatible.

Why is it a noble thing though, to stick and work at a sub-par relationship to demonstrate you are committed and in it for the long haul? Why is that something everybody should try harder for? Why should people spend years flogging the dead horse of their failing relationship when both parties would be much happier apart? I don't get why anybody would see it as 'better', to stick at something that doesn't make either party happy.

DH have been married nearly 20 yrs and have had the odd blip during that time, but nothing major. Had I spent even a third of that time wondering if we'd be better off apart, we wouldn't still be married.

I think the divorce rates now represent freedom and choice. People are now less frequently 'stuck' in bad relationships for financial or security reasons (although many still are).

We’re not swans or other animals that mate for life. Marriage is a social construct it’s not down to nature. It’s probably more a surprise that people stay together for life than separate.

This. Also women can earn their own money.

Given the number of threads on here that are started by women who are very clearly married to absolute arseholes, I'm not surprised tbh. Honestly, the amount of crap that some women put up with makes my jaw drop on an almost daily basis. Unless their husbands changed dramatically post marriage, I don't understand why they even got married in the first place, but that's a different issue. If fewer women are remaining married to arseholes, because they have more financial independence, that's a very good thing imo. I could be wrong and it's the men leaving the women in all these marriages, as I actually don't know many people who have divorced/are divorcing, despite most of my friends being in marriages of 10+ years. Most of my friends, and my OH's friends, aren't arseholes though (at least not evidently), most people seem to be in happy, reasonably equal marriages, I'd be surprised is they divorced. There may well be an element of self selection in that. I do have a colleague who, from what they say of their marriages, should absolutely be getting divorced. If they were one of my close friends I'd be telling them so. I do hope it's women like that who are divorcing their waste of space husbands.

I don't think anyone divorces easily. The stress of divorce is often compared to the stress from loss of a family member. It's ludicrous to suggest people divorce "easily". There are more divorces, yes, just because it is become more possible for women to be financially independent and women don't have to put up with horrible things anymore. However, it doesn't mean they are running to get divorce because they had a small argument.

Another one who's marriage looked okay from the outside. High earning husband, big house, gilded lifestyle. But basically a housekeeper, single parent, cook, entertainment manager to a totally selfish, emotionally unavailable and highly manipulative and financially abusive man. The marriage was utterly soulless and affected my mental health. I had to get out after nearly twenty years of hoping it would get better.

My family and a lot of my 'friends' sided with him. They couldn't see what I was complaining about. He is now estranged from our only child and heading for his second divorce. I wonder is her associates think she's given up too easily. Some people (the selfish ones) shouldn't get married.

I am sorry you are going through that and I think you are doing the absolute best thing for your children in a long term. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to support someone for so long and to put yourself last. Thank you for your honesty and wishing you all the best!

I'm divorced because I left the bastard, I couldn't work at anything when he broke my arm and several ribs.
I don't think blanket statements about marriage breaking up are very kind because nobody really knows what goes on in a marriage except for the 2 people involved.

It’s like people in America who don’t think student debt should be cancelled because they had to pay all theirs off 🙄

I think marriage is somewhat overrated

this rather heteronormative idea that this ONE
person is a mate for life from 20s to death

and the mess and legal shit when it ends

maybe back in the days of yore it had a bigger role as women basically didn’t work in the
same way (well they worked but we’re not paid)

but the rise in divorce and female emancipation can’t be a coincidence

and .. and I’d love a mate for life when I’m older
but it just might not happen

There are two reasons I think of, OP.

Either their relationships are much worse than you have an understanding of or you, yourself, are a complete doormat who lets her husband walk all over her for the sake of "staying together".

I think you know best which is the more likely scenario.

I'm divorced. Few people really knew what went on in my marriage and yet it didn't stop others judging me for leaving.
It wasn't any one big thing - unless you count the continued low level abuse, the put downs, the stealing. Plus the other women. In the end it was just one more argument about something trivial and I'd had enough.
I stayed too long, I think, because I didn't want to be the one who gave up. In the end - best thing I did.