To think people these days are not prepared to make marriage work?

[HipsterMum]

Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily?

P.S I don't really think there is right or wrong answer to that and that every situation is different but just wanted to hear opinions on that.

I do agree a lot seem to give up pretty easily but then again in my work I see loads of old couples who seem to loathe each other and I get the impression they have just stayed together for year for convenience, the women often haven't worked much etc and I guess they were financially dependent. I always think it's sad to see and am pleased that people these days seem to have more choices. i do sometimes wince at what it must be costing the economy though as it does seem like every other couple is splitting up.

Some marriages last forever. Some marriages were great in the beginning ,but have a sell by date. There is no prize in heaven for sticking with a marriage that died years before. You don't get a better seat. My mother brought us up with the mantra that ' when you get married you stay married'. My first husband was not a nice man. I stayed, and put up with shed loads of rubbish because I had tiny children, no job and nowhere to go. He left me for a 17 year old when the children were 2 and 3. It was very hard but I eventually met my second husband and we have been married for 19 years. He is a brilliant step dad to my sons and a fabulous grandad to our new grandson. I have an absolutely wonderful life. I would never, ever have had that if I had carried on 'working at my marriage'. My first marriage was probably doomed from the start, I just didn't gave the eyes to see it. I tried everything to keep him happy. It was exhausting and ultimately ,pointless. He came from a family where everyone was divorced at least once so leaving wasn't a big deal to him. He did me a enormous favour by leaving. I would never have gone and the lovely life I have now would never have happened

If I frequently got annoyed with my husband and it often led to big arguments I think I'd be exhausted and pissed off. Are you?

My DH rarely annoys me and we never have big arguments. He really is lovely and I enjoy his presence immensely. I don't have to 'fight' to be in the relationship, it makes my life better, more fun and more enjoyable. That's as it should be IMO and if it ever stopped being that way I'd try to change it but if I couldn't I would leave. What is the point of being frequently annoyed by a person?

Cos no-one ever cheated in the good old days, eh?

Marriage has always been a prison for a lot of people (especially women). Thankfully these days more people have a key.

What a horribly outdated notion.

Being happy is far more important than being married.

When being married means you're not happy, it's time to change that.

Ideally being happy and married is always a good combination but so often not the case and the reason why so many people are miserable.

You only get one life. Don't spend it miserable just so you can say 'you fought for something that on the face of it is utterly irrelevant.

I know a few older couples who have been married a long time and hate each other. It's heartbreaking - they are so resentful and pissed off that it affects their entire life and often damages their relationship with their children. For what? So they can say 'I didn't get divorced'? Who actually even cares?

I will never assume that someone I know is divorcing for trivial reasons. Too many people judged me - my mother included. She felt I shouldn't divorce my husband because he 'liked a few drinks'. He was an alcoholic on the slope to becoming non functioning and my marriage had been hell for the past 5 years. On the surface we looked like an absolutely fine couple, because I was the swan's feet, madly flapping to keep us afloat.

I think there are more divorces because more women are unwilling to accept a lack of respect from men.

Saying 'the fun has gone out of it' is probably shorthand for: 'he doesn't pull his weight in housework or childcare, expects me to do all the thinking and fundamentally doesn't respect me or perceive me as an equal human being.'

If more women divorce more men like that then maybe men will have to start pulling their weight and taking on 50% of the responsibilities and mental load, and respecting their partners and then maybe it will be possible to have a more carefree relationship.

My grandparents never divorced, had six kids together and were utterly miserable with each other. They set a terrible model of a marriage for their children. Grim endurance is not a positive in a marriage.

It varies by group.

Most of my DH friends (+ us) and all his friends parents (including his own) started dating between 15-25 all, got married to that person and all still happily married. I know people who are 40 celebrating 25 years together and 20 happily married etc...

Most of my friends and family are devorced or never married but have split and moved on from their childrens other parent - lots of blended families.

Theres lots of other differences too.

My side are very family focused lots of big extended families and happy to 'adopt' in new to the area people without family where as over half of his side are strictly child free and keep to themselves (they are a very tough group to break into, took me 10 years).

Lifestyles are different with camping and hiking weekends popular on his side, while big family/friend at get together meals where the more the merrier popular on my side.

Maybe its a class thing - lots of my side are manual labor like cleaners, butchers, mechanics, truck drivers, builders while his side are teachers and medical assistants mostly so maybe pushing more towards middle class or maybe different groups are just different and put emphasis on different things.

I really hope that as a culture we can move more to accepting that not every relationship is meant to last forever and some come to a natural end--whether you are legally married or not.

No one is a better person just because their marriage happened to be one that lasted for decades. Maybe it was a happy, healthy, loving relationship, and that's great if so. But many long-lasting marriages simply aren't.

Some relationships simply run their course and that shouldn't be seen as any sort of mark of shame.

Too many women think they can change a man, they get married and oh look man hasn’t changed. Then they get divorced.

YABU because putting it simply, people lie. The reason they may have said they are splitting up/divorcing may not be the true reason. I know of several couples who were being badly abused by other halves but they gave a different reason for the end of the marriage.

I think that most people subconsciously just know when it's 'time to call time'. It's not for me to judge or to decide that their reasons aren't 'good enough'. Whether or not they follow their own 'advice' to themselves is up to them. You don't earn any brownie points from me for staying in a miserable marriage. But I respect your decision and will keep my mouth shut and support as best I can without compromising my integrity. Meaning that if someone is married to an abuser or a criminal I'm not going to tell them that staying is the right thing to do.

Now, you aren't going to get much sympathy from me if you're a 'bolter' or a cheat looking for 'greener pastures' and I'm not going to support their decision, but it's still that person's decision and they can live with the consequences.

My mum (born 1922) used to tell me stories of her friends who stayed in terrible marriages. Partly as a warning to 'pick the right man' and partly as a cautionary tale that 'marriage is for life'. Like hell it is!! I picked the wrong one and I knew exactly when it was time to GTFO (it was at the altar). It took me 4 years to get the courage to kick him out. Mum was upset at first because 'marriage is for life' but Dad had my back all the way. Dad soon set her straight in his own lovely way.

If you are unhappy, do what you need to do to figure out why. If it's not abuse (of any kind), addiction, or criminal behaviour (of any kind) then you need to figure out if your spouse will meet you half way to try and 'heal' the marriage. If the work isn't worth it to you, then leave in as 'kind' but 'definite' a manner as you can'.

Just a final post as I would not be anymore engaged with this thread as I do not tolerate personal attacks and being called a doormat. Fighting for a marriage was more of a phrase people use to describe sticking by one another through tough times thats why I used it. I wasn't saying my daily life is a fight with my husband and insisting all women should be staying in bad marriages.

For all those worried, yes, I am content with my marriage and I love my DH who always was and still after many years is a lovely man. I am not really bothered what other people think 'really goes behind our closed doors'. No i do not think an occasional argument over nothing is the end of the world. Yes some of my DH's habits annoy me because we had a different upbringing. Silly things like him getting up as soon as he finished his food and leaving to start washing dishes whilst we are still eating with the kids. It is how things used to be in his family and he does it without realising. We don't have arguments over that always, sometimes we laugh how things stick and become a habit.

The post had nothing to do with my marriage but just a general observation. Nor was it intended as a dig at women who went through tough divorces and are much happier now. I just don't like how some people attack others online and it causes me a lot of anxiety. Thank you for all the useful posts taking this thread for what it was intended- just an open question and not my opinion on the matter.

So if you're someone who thinks that relationships shouldn't be "binding" or worth staying in if there are major issues to address (which seems totally reasonable), my only question is - why get married then? Why not just remain at "relationship" status?

If the former is enough to make you split, clearly you just shouldn't be together. If that sort of thing is enough, it's just not good match, is it?

The latter obviously should split because it's toxic.

Life is short. Much too short to spend your home life irritated, even if it is by someone who isn't fundamentally 'bad', but just winds you up. (I also disagree with the concept of marriage though, which probably clouds my view.)

I feel like staying with one partner for life is pretty unnatural actually. You change and grow over the years. The person you fell in love with at 25, you may have little in common with at 40.

I think if you have children then you owe it to them to try and make it work, but ultimately it's not healthy for them to live with unhappy parents, so it's better to separate and work hard to do parent successfully.

I have found it to be quite the opposite actually.
Many people who are miserable in their relationship but choose to stay for convenience, children, fear of loneliness, finance, etc...

My husband was arrested for possession of indecent images of children, and even with the disgust and resentment I have towards him, I'm finding the process of leaving with a child, really really hard

@flower04958 To be honest the only reason I can think of to get married is tax/property benefits and security, it’s a legal contract. It is “binding” but I don’t think it should be unbreakable or make people feel like they have to stay when they’re unhappy.

both me and DH think particularly younger people don’t take marriage or commitment seriously any more.

Divorce rates are highest between 45 - 50 year olds, closely followed by the 50-54 year olds. Whilst, as someone who is rapidly approaching that age range, I love to hear it called young, I have a feeling that wasn't the age range you were referring to when you are claiming young people don't take marriage seriously any more.

It’s not just about divorces, it’s about not wanting commitment, an obsession with hookup culture and non exclusivity etc.

I want to leave my partner for what are very very trivial reasons: any thought or feeling I express he deems ‘wrong’ and ends the discussion there. It’s not one big problem, I don’t think he’s much of a cheater or much of an alcoholic, nor especially physically violent. But to have my opinions consistently dismissed without discussion, to feel so unloved day in day out, it kills you. What op is hearing will be the proverbial straw 🐪

YABU. I tried to put up with/ work on the lower level problems in my marriage for too long (xh did not), in the end he had an affair and I obviously qualified for one of your reasons to divorce. I’m loads happier since, even in the early days when things were difficult I knew that the main problems were that we were no longer compatible and should have called it a day years before.

Silly things like him getting up as soon as he finished his food and leaving to start washing dishes whilst we are still eating with the kids.

You think people divorce over things like that?