To think people these days are not prepared to make marriage work?

[HipsterMum]

Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily?

P.S I don't really think there is right or wrong answer to that and that every situation is different but just wanted to hear opinions on that.

Really?! The marriage rate is lower now than it's ever been. It's perfectly acceptable in many social groups to have sex, cohabit and raise children without getting married. This presumably means that marriage is more of a conscious choice nowadays, rather than people "having" to marry because they were caught shagging / got pregnant.
People may marry someone who they thought was right for them, but they got it wrong, or they grow apart. Doesn't mean they weren't taking it seriously in the first place.

My dad has the same view, that people split up too easily these days. He boasts proudly that he and my mother have been married fifty years. She mutters quietly that "you only get 10 years for murder". They've been driving each other mad for the last 40 years or so, but separating would be like admitting defeat, according to him.

I feel that it's like boasting that you've been banging your head against a brick wall for 50 years. An achievement of sorts, but why would you want to?

"Working at it" often means one person putting up and shutting up. If it consists of both people constantly trying to improve their relationship and help each other, then that's wonderful. But I wonder how often that happens? And what are you supposed to do if, like me, you're married to someone who doesn't want to put any effort in? Should you continue to do what I did, and just put up with anything for 20 years, to avoid giving up on the marriage?

When I talk to fellow divorced friends, we mostly wish that we'd given up sooner, not kept flogging a dead horse just for the sake of marriage.

most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc).

I think this attitude is why "exit affairs" happen. Many people feel they're not "allowed" to leave the marriage just for being unhappy in it. I've heard so many women say things like "I wish he would cheat, then I could leave him". Some men seem to find it more socially acceptable to get "caught out" having a fling than to "abandon" their wife, and so you get the whole extra layer of misery that deceit brings, and another woman brought into it, rather than just manning up and saying "this isn't working any more, let's call it a day".

Spot on @ReneBumsWombats

@DivorcedAndDelighted I really like your post. I do relate to the sentiment, wish I’d given up sooner and not kept flogging a dead horse just for the sake of marriage.

I think marriages where both people put in the effort to improve their relationship and help each other are probably more likely to endure. But so many marriages do end up with one person putting in the effort while the other person shows no consideration for their partner. Then that person putting in the effort and being treated as inconsequential ends up either being subsumed by their partner or the status quo of the relationship or they break free and end it.

I’m glad that people have the freedom to end a marriage. The alternative is that they are trapped or forced to remain and lose their own identity and freedom.

I remember when my grandpa died and a family member predicted that grandma would probably follow soon after because that often happens with elderly married couples, said the family member. They’ve been together for so long they can’t live without each other.

I had a feeling that grandma wasn’t going to die soon just because grandpa did, that she had a lot of living to do.

And she did live for many more years. The best bit was seeing her come alive. She made a whole bunch of new friends, joined an art class, embraced new hobbies and just blossomed.

I am not saying one way or another that they had a good or bad marriage. But, I definitely saw how Grandma had obviously lost herself in her role as a wife and had the strength of character to find herself again.

I think you shouldn’t give up at the first sign of trouble but equally if you are miserable you are better off apart. My parents stayed together despite being unhappy and it was awful for us kids. They didn’t do it for us but because they were too scared yo be on their own. Things are generally better now

Here is the cold hard truth.
No good, happy, healthy marriage ends in divorce.

I think you shouldn’t give up at the first sign of trouble but equally if you are miserable you are better off apart
Would say it depends what that trouble is.
My ex hit me. That was the first and only sign of trouble I needed to get the hell out of Dodge. I didnt hang round for a second slap.

Neither do plenty of shit ones.

It depends doesn’t it? Obviously any sign of abuse and someone needs to be out of there quickly.

But having seen the wreckage of another relationship falling apart closely and it’s fallout has made me think that seeking counselling should be far more commonplace. If it’s a failure of communication then surely people can be helped in that area? But there seems to be a reluctance to seek out help early, before things get irreversibly bad. It was a shame it didn’t happen in my friend’s case, because things don’t seem to have improved for the couple involved after the split and their child has suffered hugely. They should have tried earlier to sort things out for his sake, then at least they could say they’d tried everything. (And going into another relationship without sorting out personal problems just brings those into that next relationship, which is exactly what’s happening).

There have been times I’ve felt like walking out of the door but it’s been about external pressures aka work - his job is pretty shit in terms of life/work balance and there’s nothing he can do about that. Then I’ve thought there’s always going to be areas of any relationship that’s not brilliant, and given my husband is pretty bang on where it counts generally why would I bin that? Sometimes it’s about one person accepting something that’s not 100% what they want (and before someone says that’s daft, in any relationship you have there will be areas of compromise, nothing will be perfect).

*Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily? *

YABU OP. I divorced from my first marriage. I didn't give up too easily, and it wasn't because I couldn't be bothered. Things happen behind closed doors that we never disclose to friends. Your friends are unlikely to be telling you everything, and unless you live with them, you simply have no idea what their marriages are like.

I was judged, in the same way you are judging your friends decisions. My Ex Husband was a "great guy" to all who know him. That's an understandable view to take when you don't live with someone. I also perpetuated that image for him, because why wouldn't I? What idiot would I be if I told everyone I was married to a disgusting sex addict who would masturbate all day and when I came home from work he'd insist on sex, only every 48 hours mind you, and be unable to do it because he'd been at himself all day?

Do I want my friends to know this? No.

So I let everyone think it was all on me, we'd grown apart, I'd changed. And yes, they judged me because they thought the same as you. Word for word. If asked, they'd say "I couldn't be bothered " or " I gave up too easily ".

You mentioned this is your friends, and colleagues. They are never telling you everything. I promise you.

It’s not that people give up too easily, I just think people are less prepared to spend their lives being unhappy.

Apparently, the regret expressed most often by dying people is that they lived the life other people wanted them to live, rather than the one they wanted themselves.