To think people these days are not prepared to make marriage work?

[HipsterMum]

Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily?

P.S I don't really think there is right or wrong answer to that and that every situation is different but just wanted to hear opinions on that.

I do not understand though the aggressive tone in some replies. I didn't say that women should stay in abusive relationships. The post was not judgemental. I can see that divorce was not easy for any of my friends and I was/am always there to offer support. However many of them are still not very happy with their current new partners because they want them to be more responsible, offer security, be over the heels in love with their kids (all normal things to want). Yet they've had it in previous marriage (many friends said that) but it all got all the 'same and tiring'. Of course there could have been other issues that are too sensitive to disclose I get it .

You can never really know what's going on inside someone else's marriage.

I would never presume that I knew the full reasons for a split up.

More people should tbh!! I'm a billion times happier divorced and single, my children are happy, I think my exdh is probably happier too. Win win.
I see and know of so many miserable parents hanging in there 'for the kids', and just feel sorry for them.

Of course you are being judgemental when you claim people “these days” aren’t working hard enough to make their marriage work and are very much suggesting they are wrong for giving up for reasons you don’t think are good enough.

My husband and I are separating. We have considered staying together and fighting to make it work but to do so would risk my mental health, risk his poor mental health getting even worse, and risk creating an awful environment for our little girl.

Divorce is even easier you can just divorce with no questions asked. Just a breakdown of the marriage.

Work at it how though? How do you improve a relationship?

I don't think it's because people don't want to work on marriage. Some people simply should not end up together. Too fast, too many red flags ignored and so on, still getting married. Hence divorce later on.

If I’d stayed in my first, unhappy marriage I wouldn’t have met DH2 and had my two wonderful children. XH would have missed out on his decades-long, so I presume happy, third marriage.

Differences in views were concealed by a lot of lying on his part during our engagement, coupled with an assumption that I’d morph from my normal personality to broody gold-digger the moment we wed.

It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore

There is nothing harder than trying to keep a failing marriage alive.

Women arent forced to stay anymore, we have our own money and careers and dont need to put up with entitled manchildren or abusers. Its great.

Where I criticise and condemn is where I don't think one person even made the effort to begin with. Two people come straight to mind, Prince Charles over 40 years ago with Princess Diana, and Boris Johnson with each of the three women who have sadly married him.

It’s not normal to frequently have big arguments. Why do you think it is? I’m happily married, we never have big arguments and we don’t have to fight to stay in our marriage.

Im not even sure what you mean by fighting for it. Why can’t you both work on healthy communication so you stop fighting? What are you achieving each time things blow up yet you stay together knowing it’ll happen again?

You can work to prioritise each other, to be considerate, loving, understanding and supportive. Work not to sweat the small stuff, to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. But that’s not fighting, that’s just doing your best. That’s worth doing. Having to fight to stay together sounds shit and exhausting. Set yourselves free to find people you’d each be more compatible with.

I find being married to DH to be easy, fun, fulfilling, rewarding. Honestly, if it’s not working for you then going the ranks and split up. Risk a different life which isn’t such hard work. You might love it.

I do think a lot of people aren’t prepared to commit and help each other through tough times.

Putting up with being miserable isn't a thing to strive for.

Both parties deserve the chance to find someone who wants to be with them.

How hard should it be?

I think people are reacting aggressively because it really isn’t your place to decide if someone worked hard enough at saving their relationship. That’s not something you can know from the outside.

It’s easy to say people should tough it out when there are kids involved, but quite often that just prolongs everyone’s suffering.

Admittedly my relationship doesn’t fit your OP bc my ex was chatting someone else up online, but I really don’t think it would have been better to drag out the unhappiness and uncertainty, whereas now my son has two secure, happy separated parents who have put their issues aside and agreed that the most important thing is our son.

It’s good that people no longer feel compelled to stay in a bad marriage.
However the phrase ‘I deserve to be happy’ whilst true is often used to justify leaving for the affair partner and seems to conveniently forget that their spouse deserves to be equally happy.

I think no matter how close to your friends you think you are there's absolutely no way you know what goes on behind closed doors so you can't say for certain that they got divorced over minor issues.

As someone else pointed out women have more choices now and we have our own money so we don't have to stay in marriages we are not happy in.

You're not in a bad marriage so you can't really comment can you. You only know your own relationship. You don't know the complete ins and outs of your friends marriages as you don't live it and they won't divulge fully. What you seen is judgemental.

honestly if your not happy together anymore and it has to be fought for so hard to make it work then it's not working

I think she is. Who argues that often?

Some of the people most judgemental about divorce are those in bad marriages who resent others for walking away when they choose not to and be miserable.

Lifelong monogamy probably isn't a natural thing for humans to do, otherwise there would be no reason for marriage to exist in the first place. People would just be together and be faithful without the need for any religious contracts or legal malarkey.

In countries like the UK we thankfully now have the cultural and financial freedom for people to be able to end a marriage that is no longer functional. Fighting for an unhappy relationship is masochistic.

If you think all marriages lasted in the past without people routinely having affairs you're kidding yourself.

How miserable do you have to be / long do you have to be unhappy before it's ok to say this isn't working?

Very few people actually end marriages for trivial reasons. And even if they did that's fine.