To think people these days are not prepared to make marriage work?

[HipsterMum]

Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily?

P.S I don't really think there is right or wrong answer to that and that every situation is different but just wanted to hear opinions on that.

That’s possibly true, maybe they’re just more blatant about it!

Life is too long (not short) to spend it with someone who makes you unhappy and I say that as someone who is happily married. I'd think a good deal of people living in an unhappy marriage are only doing it for financial reasons. Trying to find a family house with half the assets is difficult if you have young children.

People divorce even when they have I've together.

Even if you think your compatible no guarantee your going to stay together.

YABU

People do not divorce over petty, trivial annoyances. They just don't.

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Marriage isn’t such a blessed state that it’s worth being miserable for.

If young people are avoiding commitment and see marriage as a prison, it's worth thinking about the example they grew up with that looked like a prison that they're now trying to avoid.

YANBU, but there’s no prizes for making a marriage ‘work’.

Despite the prevailing media narrative and endless celebrity remarriage/divorces it’s not a decision to be taken lightly. People don’t divorce on the spur of the moment.

I was brought up with the fight for your marriage belief.
It made me stay in 2 bad marriages much much longer than I should.
My DSis stays in a horrible marriage. I'm not sure why. The glowing sm posts about 30 years together.
I don't see much reason for women to stay in miserable marriages these days.

Why would you marry someone you have major ideological differences though if you are not prepared to accept them? Surely that's what you usually pay attention to during the dating stage, no? Genuinely asking.

I think it depends on your age. I am currently separating from my DH after 20 years. It became apparent we have huge differences in opinion over many things. Partly I should have paid more attention when we were dating and when I think back now there were many red flags. But I was 21 I thought love was enough, we fancied each other, we got on ok but have always argued. We had fun together, we're spontaneous. Fast forward 20 years we are two different people now. I am no longer the shy, under confident person he married. Throw in stresses of business, studying, kids, money, jobs. things change and you don't know are going to change when you marry. You don't know how people are going to react until you are there. But I must admit I should have thought more carefully about how compatible DH and I really were when we married aged 29.

I do think if you are unhappy you should split up/get divorced but I also think couples with children should take time to think about whether they are really that unhappy.

The problem is so many couples have a baby very early on in the relationship/ marriage (far too often an "accident") and when things go wrong they split up. Children put a strain on even the happiest of relationships so, on the whole, having them so quickly is asking for trouble. The chances are that even without a child the relationship would not have worked and no child would have to see their parents divorce/separate.

Lots of my friends are divorced and almost all of them say having children was the main cause of the problems.

May be coincidence but none of my childfree friends or family are divorced and I know quite a few couples who have chosen to remain childfree. All have long marriages, the shortest being 20 years

I think the opposite is true. People go into marriage way too easily and take far too long to leave. This entire website is full to the brim of women trying everything under the sun to make it work and still not leaving as worried about impact on others and disrupting the lives of others. I don't know anyone has left a marriage because that seems like easy option. They have picked the hard thing because they can't tolerate living a lie anymore or being mistreated. Especially if there are kids involved, women try and try and try to make it work on the whole.

@Mahanii IME it’s usually men who don’t want to commit. Because they don’t want to hand over half their assets to the mother of their kids.

Many women go along with the ‘piece of paper’ narrative but sadly find themselves up shit creek when he runs off with a younger woman and her name isn’t even on the deeds.

If people really didn’t want to ‘commit’ they wouldn’t be having children but that’s not the case.

Lots of my friends are divorced and almost all of them say having children was the main cause of the problems.

I’m divorcing 5 years after having children, the children aren’t at all the cause of the problem but having children flushed out the problems that were there.

When you don’t have kids you both have time and space to cover up the cracks, I know I spent a lot of time planning things for us to do together, making an effort to maintain our connection to each other, basically keeping things ticking over. Along came kids and I no longer had time or emotional energy to make the effort for both of us, because the kids needed me to make the effort for them. As I stepped back, he didn’t step forward to fill the chasm that had grown between us.

That chasm had been there for a while but there was enough else going on to fill that gap, when it came down to just him and I the gap was too wide. Very often the changes that come with kids show up the cracks, rather than being the cause of the cracks.

I’ve found in real life that people that have opinions/ voice thoughts like this quite often are trying to justify staying in their own failing / unsatisfactory relationship. I did it for years.

This ^.....
I thought the same as you op, and I honestly believed (bar adultery or abuse) that any marriage issues could be worked through..... surely love and commitment was enough!

However, when my (ex) husband told me he didn't love me and there was no way back for him (THERE WASN'T AN OW EITHER!)..... what can you do??

I still love him, and would've worked through things together, but it takes two to make a marriage work

Incidentally, I would never get married again (although I'm infertile which does change things) and if I did, I would never change my surname to his!! (What a balls ache changing it back!!)

I think people i know would say this about me - that I gave up too easily….Reality is he was emotionally abusive but because we have so many mutual friends and dc most people don’t know about that.

Ok this is your opinion. I didn't express my opinions nor did I at any stage say that people shouldn't divorce and that any marriage is fixable. I've been the support to most of my friends and my marriage had zero to do with them wanting to end theirs. People start making assumptions for zero reasons. We have 2 children and have a huge sense of responsibility for them to build a good life together with one another or to separate with dignity and respect for one another if that is no longer possible. But for me it would have to be a good reason because both of us went through a lot and became stronger as a couple each time. Had to move 4 countries, had our first child when we were only 23 no support network at all but felt blessed. I guess we are just quite lucky and I didn't realise that until reading some posts.

All of which can and should be covered in advance imo. Prenups aren't (or shouldn't) just be about protecting assets. I think you could have a template that had to be followed in any respect that was or could be relevant, and imo the financial implications of childrearing for whichever party does it (or both) would definitely need to be included in that.

And no one would be forced into anything @ForestFae - marriage isn't compulsory after all. But imo no one should enter into any contract without legal advice, and yet that's what most marriages entail atm. It's no wonder so many people end up with buyer's remorse.

People said that to me all the time, including my ex: that I should have continued to work at the marriage, it is what you should do, and that I was obviously of a generation that didn't uphold the sanctity of marriage.

I didn't say anything, lost contact with all mutual friends and my ex-in-laws as a result (who knows what ex told them in the end - they simply refused to engage with me).

What I did not disclose were years of systematic abuse: shouting, throwing and breaking things to intimidate me, road rage that could have killed me and my kids, being physically prevented from leaving arguments and, at one point, strangulation. Not to mention being kept secret for a year, being convinced to have an abortion against my better judgement, having to lie about how and where we got engaged because it wasn't "grand" enough (and, again, it being kept a secret for a few months) and having to pretend I did not have severe mental health issues.

No one would have believed me if I'd tried, so there was no point, because I was the only one seeing that side of him.

I doubt I'm alone in that experience.

OP, why did you start a thread saying that people give up too easily on their marriages and then take offence when they explained to you why you're wrong?

What did you expect? What outcome were you hoping for?

I think you could have a template that had to be followed in any respect that was or could be relevant, and imo the financial implications of childrearing for whichever party does it (or both) would definitely need to be included in that.

I'd really need to see such a template. There are so many possible twists and turns in life that I don't know how you'd calculate this before any of it has happened.

I have to agree with this. My DD for example, needed not only normal care but extensive medical care at home, provided by me until 12 months - I had to learn how to do feeding tube pumps, aspirates and operate a suction machine. How could you a) predict that and b) “compensate” someone for that? We didn’t know she would be unwell, we didn’t know I’d have to do the medical caring.

Ok this is your opinion. I didn't express my opinions nor did I at any stage say that people shouldn't divorce and that any marriage is fixable. I've been the support to most of my friends and my marriage had zero to do with them wanting to end theirs. People start making assumptions for zero reasons. We have 2 children and have a huge sense of responsibility for them to build a good life together with one another or to separate with dignity and respect for one another if that is no longer possible. But for me it would have to be a good reason because both of us went through a lot and became stronger as a couple each time. Had to move 4 countries, had our first child when we were only 23 no support network at all but felt blessed. I guess we are just quite lucky

I think it's very easy to say this until you are in the situation yourself. I always thought work on the marriage, marriage isn't easy and we tried and tried. But covid and other stresses brought out the cracks and I became so unhappy with the constant arguments I asked DH to leave. In that period DH cheated on me. I never thought he would. I remember having your attitude until I was in the situation myself. If I was you I would wait until /if you are in the situation before making these comments as in reality you really don't know what you would do.

Basically people can change over the course of a marriage and so you find yourself not married to the same person. Therefore, over time you stop getting on as you have evolved.