To think people these days are not prepared to make marriage work?

[HipsterMum]

Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily?

P.S I don't really think there is right or wrong answer to that and that every situation is different but just wanted to hear opinions on that.

No one has a duty to be unhappy. End of.

I have been married for 33 years. I do not recognise your description of marriage.
Lots of people in slightly shit marriages stick with it.
Life is short and for living. Marriage should improve your life otherwise what is the point?

I'll be flamed for this but I agree in some cases.

Used to work for divorce lawyers and the amount of couples (no kids) who came in and squabbled over seemingly petty things which led to the divorce and seemingly married on a whim. One of them was quite funny, involved an alarm clock being thrown as being the final straw for the wife to divorce the husband!

I always thought it would be a good idea to have (not religious but you could do if so inclined) to have pre-marriage advice beforehand - maybe from an advisory service.

You are being so fucking unreasonable it’s beyond a joke. If you need people to explain why then you must be hard of thinking.

I love this. I think this is a mantra to live by. Life is too short, who has the time to be unhappy when you don't need to be?

My mate married the woman he was dating when he turned 30. He said to me, "there comes a time when you have to settle down!". He'd been dating her a year. The marriage lasted a year! They had a DD in that year, and he told me being a father was too hard work, not what he thought it would be. It seemed obviously doomed to me, or at best down to luck, from the start. He was genuinely shocked it hadn't worked out. He was genuinely shocked parenting wasn't just cuddles and cooing. I felt like the social validation of being a dad was more important to him, than the actual being a dad. How do people on Instagram make it look so easy? He actually asked me this. He asked me how we found it so easy. I think being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done, or definitely right up there. Honestly, I think people often don't think much about getting married. It's a box to tick, along with having kids. I'm pretty judgement about this guy, I know! It's my honest opinion though. I also did my best to support him. The whole thing was tragically predictable, but not unusual particularly.

I wouldn't want to live with someone who threw things. Not sure what's particularly funny about it. Could have been aimed at their head next time 🙄

I think it depends on what you mean by “make marriage work”. If you mean overlooking minor annoyances, being considerate to each other, keeping communication open then yes I think that’s all part of keeping a marriage alive.

If you mean living with a lack of connection, no intimacy, low level disregard, or constant unhappiness then no, I think at that point it’s over and people can decide to leave. I don’t think longevity is a good marker of the success in a marriage anyway, sometimes it’s kinder and shows more integrity to leave.

Well clearly whatever was being modelled to the currently-divorcing generation didn’t work, did it 🤷‍♀️

I think your reply added nothing to the topic and is simply disgusting.

I think there are many who do give up on marriage too easily, and others who don't give up soon enough.

I know plenty of people who have gotten divorced and are much happier now.

Of course people shouldn't just give up on a marriage (or a relationship) after one hurdle but I must admit I don't actually know anyone who has gotten divorced over something small though. There's always been an underlying issue, or that they've grown apart and are now incompatible.

Marriage tends to add that extra layer of commitment, rightly or wrongly, so often people who aren't satisfied tend to stay together.

The world has changed now. Women in particular are more financially independent than they used to be. Covid has taught us that life is short. It's important to be happy in your relationship, job, friendships etc. Nothing will be great 100% of the time but when the bad outweighs the good, it's time to leave.

I left an alright marriage…DH was alright, no big abuse, good job, etc etc. I wasn’t outright miserable, just totally flat. We got together when I was 21 and 10 years later had both changed into very different people and were just no longer compatible - the things he wanted and his long term plans were so far from mine that there was no way of reconciling the two. I have no regrets - I hadn’t realised how empty and flat I’d become until I left. Life is amazing now - all my joy came back! Like walking back into technicolour after living in black and white for years.

I find your post disgusting, so I guess that makes us even.

I thought it was a good post.

I thought divorce rates were on the decline? I’m guessing a lot of people can’t afford to divorce and run two homes nowadays.

Ouch, truth hurts eh?

Thank you of course 'making marriage work' can be interpreted completely differently. I personally meant minor issues, looking past short challenging periods and of course always communicating. But I think its too late to add that when posters are saying I am a doormat in a worthless relationship and am a horrible judgemental human being. MN makes me lose hope in having an intelligent conversation. Thank u for your comment.

I think it just shows that you don't necessarily know what's truly going on in anyone else's relationship, even when it's a good friend or family member. Any more than you think posters here understand your relationship from what you said about it in your first post. It's not your place to judge whether your friends, or a bunch of strangers, gave up on their marriage too quickly rather than "fighting for it."

Bottom line is more women have economic independence these days, either because they earn their own money, have access to benefits, or the law very fairly says that the father of their children should contribute to the children's upkeep. Many centuries of human history weren't nearly as fair.

That makes it feasible to walk away when it's necessary ... though still very very difficult for many people.

People are much less inclined to tolerate mediocrity and misery.

We get one life.

I think the overwhelming message of the relationships board, and elsewhere on here, is that people don't leave their marriages soon enough. People stay and make excuses for shit behaviour of partners. We need more education about how to spot signs of a shit partner and relationship, so that people get out quicker - hopefully before marriage and certainly before children.

What’s funny about having a husband who throws household objects?

Why fight for some random made up concept?

Or because the neighbours will talk?

Fuck that shit.

It’s an interesting question. Based on the threads I’ve read here and personal experience I suspect there are a few things going on in terms of trends-

1. I think within the current married age generation you have a lot of women who weren’t raised specifically be wives (hurray) but a lot of men who were raised to be husbands. In other words, women no longer want or expect to run the household and family exclusively and instead they bring in a good income, but men often seem to not expect to take on those roles at all. This puts a lot of women on an endless hamster wheel of responsibility and work, without much upside. This grows resentment.
2. I get the impression a lot people don’t have conflict resolution skills anymore. There’s a strong sense of what is fair and not fair, but not a lot of skilled approaches to getting what’s fair. One without the other is very bad for marriage I think.
3. Life is tough for people, time was you could have a single income household and have a house, a car, a holiday a few kids and maybe a dog. These things are genuinely aspirational on double income now, so you have two people working really hard and they may still struggle to afford the basics- nevermind the all of above. People have always struggled of course, but everyone working flat out and struggling maybe wasn’t as widespread before? I’m not old and I remember when the normal work day was 9-5 with an hour for lunch, with the occasional bit of late working. Late working is everynight now for many professional careers. Relationships take energy but there’s not much leftover at the end of the day for most people.
4. Because a fair few men still seem to see their wives as quasi servants, women are often happier divorced, and they may have very few roll models of happy marriages to emulate.

Now- I put a challenge to you- this is AYBU afterall. You’ve sort of normalised marriage being a bit miserable in your post @HipsterMum, is it miserable for you? If so why should people want that? If it’s not- would people looking in on your relationship know that? Honestly I think marriage can be mostly a haven for both partners, and it should be, otherwise what’s the point? Good to power through difficult times of course, but getting annoyed and having arguments shouldn’t be the norm.

I don't know anyone who left their marraige over minor issues or their inability to compromise or over come story term issues.

All of my close friends who seperated,

1 - hands off dad, she put up with that for far too long until he cheated

2 - chronic, gambling issues - tried to work on it but after the 3rd relapse she went

3 - every single thing was his way or no way. Never shouted, never very abusive, just stubborn & had a superiority complex - where they lived, what they did, when they did it,her opinion was never taken into consideration etc. He is still shocked she left because all of his decisions were for the best!!!

I would have left before all 3 did. They tried everything to make it work until they were just broken and needed out.

No but there’s a trend nowadays towards things like hookup culture, not settling down , “playing the field”, and seeing marriage as some sort of prison. And then you’ve got people who act like the wedding is more important than the person they’re marrying.