To think people these days are not prepared to make marriage work?

[HipsterMum]

Most of my friends have gone or are currently going through divorce/separation. Some of them have got children some don't but most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc). It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

I frequently get annoyed with my husband over small things and that can often lead to big arguments but I always thought that these things are normal when you live with someone 24/7 and you both experience the best and the worst of this life together side by side. Many of my friends tell me that they just want to be able to enjoy fun things with their partner and are tired of problems that come with the marriage.

AIBU to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship and that sometimes people give up too easily?

P.S I don't really think there is right or wrong answer to that and that every situation is different but just wanted to hear opinions on that.

Id rather people got divorced than struggled on in shit relationships like so many people used to have to.

I'm really surprised. The only people i know who have split (apart from one very specific situation that was down to depression) have done so when they should have walked away long ago. I see far more people putting up with far too much in marriages than people "not working at it".

Also, I think that if both people are willing to work at it that's one thing and generally wouldn't get to the break up point in the first place. It's when one person is working and compromising and the other is taking all that effort and compromise and doing very little in response no matter how well or much the other party communicates their needs. That is a situation that would, I imagine, be very frustrating for the person working hard at things and it would be easy to come to the end of your tether over seemingly trivial matters. Read matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I think there are also situations where one party is having an affair or emotional affair but it hasn't come out or the couple are keeping it quiet for the children's sake.

most of them are not separating because of any 'big' issues (cheating/abuse/alcoholism etc)
what a pathetically low bar

Why did you name change for this post, OP, then get my post deleted that noticed your name change fail? Maybe so people couldn’t search your user name and see a load of posts in Relationships about how much your husband annoys you and you have massive arguments?
(Disclaimer: I didn’t take note on your user name so haven’t done this, just wondering…)

Absolutely love MN for that. A person who doesn't know you at all picks up 4 words making an assumption that your relationship is awful and that you would be better off alone. I didn't say we frequently have fights. I said I frequently get annoyed with him over small things (which can be my fault as well not always his) and some of them end up in big arguments over nothing.

Here again 'big arguments' and 'happiness' are frequently relative and might be interpreted differently by different people. I have a friend who is in a happy relationship because they travel a lot and most of the time drink a lot too. For her this means they find life easy and light and therefore she is happy with that (good for her). To me happiness is much more complex and I often am not happy in that sense even on my own in my own head. That is completely normal actually too. Doesn't make me an unhappy person. Same as big arguments can be understood differently by many.

@AnneLovesGilbert this is so true, the people who had the biggest issue with my divorce were other people in unhappy marriages

Why on earth should you have to ' fight' for a marriage to continue?

What a pathetic concept.

If you have to ' fight' to save a relationship, then it's not worth saving, IMO.

I'm of the opinion that ' relate' and other such services are just money making schemes. If you are unhappy see your own personal therapist or GP. There shouldn't be such a thing as ' Marriage Counselling'.

All I can think of is it comes from is old fashioned societal pressures. In the past both men and women accepted abuse and infidelity to keep a marriage together. Fortunately that isn't the case anymore.

There's loads of people out there anyway, why try and stick plasters on an incompatible relationship, because ' marriage' , when there's probably someone out there able to make you happier, or if you'd be happier on your own?

Because you vowed til the day you die, and whilst we all know that is not always realistic marriage is suppose to be damn important and should be worked at and left for big reasons not relatively trivial ones.

YANBU OP.

Thank you for all the constructive responses. I love to read comments from people who don't make it a personal attack on the OP and try to keep it as what it actually is, a topic for discussion. I am always surprised to see people who come across very aggressive even via a response on MN and start making OPs feel uneasy, digging into their lives, telling you are pathetic or your 'relationship sounds shit' and then claim they are in the most happiest, light, wonderful, warm-hearted relationship ever how they never fight with no one in their family, etc. Then wouldn't your responses to strangers be light and philosophical too then and not feel like an attack 🙈🙉

Is it just me who doesn't like that on MN??

That doesn't in any way contradict what OP said though does it?

Not rtft but my opinion is that there isn't really societal/familial pressure to stay in marriages anymore. So people give up on marriages sooner because they CAN - is that a bad thing? I'm not sure. Also women are generally more self-sufficient these days and have their own careers, they don't need a husband as much.

You haven’t explained what you’re fighting for. If you’re with the right person for you it isn’t hard to stay together. And being alone is an awful lot better than being with someone you frequently find annoying. What’s wrong with being alone?

I'd be interested to know how old you are OP and how long you've been married.

There's plenty of posts on here including mine, about very long marriages where the little annoyances have gone on for so long you A. Get worn down by them, and B. Go through the menopause which tends to affect your tolerance levels.

I think this is a terrible thread. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Women in particular had to put up with far more because of society and we found our voices.

I agree with you. Marriage is a construct not a natural state. The whole idea you need to fight and change and be miserable in order to stay with someone is weird when you think about it.

You don't get a special medal at the end of your life for putting up with someone or something.

Also OP you may not have intended your post to be judgmental but look at the words you use suggest otherwise.

Exactly this.

From the outside we looked like the perfect family. People had no idea.

I also think a lot of people just completely marry the wrong person by taking marriage too lightly in the first place, which is a different but related phenomenon

Your OP came across and judgemental. Own it. You think you’re better than people who are separated/divorced.
To answer your exact question in your OP- yes, you are being unreasonable to think that you truly cannot have a carefree marriage/relationship. Many people on this thread are telling you it’s not normal for your husband to annoy you and to have frequent big arguments. Life’s too short and that’s not a nice way to spend your time.

"Work on the marriage" so often means "accept more shit, woman".

I don't think anyone divorces lightly, especially with kids involved.

Again my original OP wasn't ' AiBU to judge my friends who divorced whilst I am fighting through sweat to make my worthless marriage work'. 🙉 I was interested in a discussion, opinions perhaps observations.. not personal attacks at my marriage which is a good respectful loving marriage but not completely without a cloud every day of every month of every year. I tell that honestly to everyone including my children because happiness to me is not a constant , it is one of many feelings and a very very important one but its ok not to feel like it at times and be honest .

I think it’s because there’s too much equality to the point women aren’t just giving birth and being mothers they’re also working full time and paying bills etc. men are being redundant as providers and women are overworked and resentful.
also more women go out and have fun then they used to.

It seems that people reach a stage in their marriages when they cannot be bothered to fight for it anymore at least this seems to be the case from the experience of my friends and colleagues.

You cannot possibly know this with any degree of certainty. You have no idea how hard people have fought behind the scenes to make their relationships work. What might seem to others like petty resentments and little disappointments might have built up over the years to become something much bigger. Couples who seem fine in public could be extremely unhappy and frustrated behind closed doors. You only know what they choose to tell you and it would be incredibly naive to think that they tell you everything. The only people who truly know what goes on in a marriage are the two people in it.

A cursory glance at the relationships board on here will tell you that divorce is expensive, stressful, destabilising and quite a drawn out process so not something people just do on a whim for the sheer hell of it. I'm sure I've read that on average people think about getting divorced for at least 2 years before they actually take steps to do it.

Good luck to any woman trying to make heterosexual marriage work. Women are refusing to conform, hence the high divorce rate. Entirely understandable and to be applauded imo.

I think life is too short to stay with someone that isn't making you happy. Marriage should be a useful tool for people, not a jail sentence.

People always do that on here…you make a general observation and people start attacking you personally because they don’t like it. I agree with some of your points, both me and DH think particularly younger people don’t take marriage or commitment seriously any more. 🤷🏻‍♀️