When did you know your parents do not love you

[NEVERwilnever]

Accepting my parents have never loved me has taken me up until now in my early 40s. It's always been about them. My entire family is self-absorbed, competitive and generally toxic to an extent I fear they may harm my children.

I am no contact because I tried all I could, but nothing can ever change what is.

How long did it take you to accept it? Is there anything that triggered?

My heart just broke

Oh yes, and she somehow convinced all my siblings that I was a terrible child, that I deserved everything she gave me, and now none of the, talk to me. That is the bit that hurts the most

I once was in a bit of a rage at a foster lady who was looking after us while they tried to find us a place and I said something like she won’t let me see my parents and that’s why I hate her. She looked really blank then said ‘your parents can see you in contact weekly. I would never stop them, I’m not even allowed to stop them.’ I was so perplexed.

I always knew they didn’t love me - always and I wanted them
too. I was their punch bag for years. I relocated for them. For me it was being 45 and then making my daughter their golden grandchildren and my son who is the loveliest kindest little boy wet himself as they yelled at him and called him stupid an idiot and did they would have put him in a home - that was it. I stood up for him and called them out and said They would never ever do it again to my child - they stopped talking to me - I was suicidal but wouldn’t apologise for saying ‘no you aren’t abusing my son again ever - they tried contacting the children directly and they said no, then I realised I didn’t love them and couldn’t love them as they didn’t love me. Never had and I was in love with a dream a fantasy - the fact my own mother blanks me in Tesco is a farce but I stopped a year ago reaching out.

the only possible chance of a future relationship is if they apologised for their abuse and agreed to change their behaviour. They don’t have our address. I don’t call them mum and dad anymore but David and Julia and changed their names in my phone etc
they don’t have our address but have my number
if they are ill or die I won’t be returning to the fold - they didn’t want to treat us properly when they are alive so I’m not going to bother with their deaths.

a new friend asked me if my parents were around and I saw yes but they aren’t mentally well - so we don’t see them she asked if it was dementia and I said ‘no it’s not they just aren’t nice not all family members are actually they are really quite abusive so we prefer to live in peace’ she understood it

many people who have normal families don’t understand and will ask you to be a bigger person and take the high road etc they don’t get the years of abuse

This thread is heartbreaking. I hope everyone who has experienced abuse here has found some peace and love and a way to move on.

In the last 4/5 years. They're not bad people, they're both just essentially self absorbed. It was going NC with my sister that taught me my place in the family pecking order. Thankfully my DH and my DC/grandchildren are all that I will ever need in my life, and I keep a very healthy distance/boundary with both parent.

Oh brighteyes 😔 that's so sad.

When my mum has psychotic episodes she texts me really dark things and about how she disowns me and doesnt want to be my mum... i know shes ill but she never acknowledges this agter.

When my kids were small for years, a bit like picking a scab, I'd notice all the mums out with their kids and their own mum, or the mums mums at kids events etc.

I guess I don't expect it now. Giving up hope helps .

One day when I win the lottery I will do my Psychology PhD on circuit breakers. Those brave, precious people, some of whom are on this thread, who had dreadful childhoods and manage to be lovely parents. I'm not sure if you know how incredibly important you are. I know you know you are in the lives of your children. But every person THEY meet will be positively affected by your choice not to carry on the abuse. Every generation going forward will be happier and healthier.

If I was Queen you'd all be Dames and Duchesses.

These are so sad.

It was only when I met my late husband that I realised I'd never felt love from either of my parents. I was so lucky to meet him.

2 years old if not earlier.

When my mum said I stopped soiling a nappy by 9 months, started to wobble walk before 1 years old in the trainer.
I knew then I was trying to get independent fast to get away from them.

One very clear memory I have is my mother said if I wanted to make her happy that I should die and come back as a boy. I remember saying shall I die then, she said yes. I remember thinking I don't know how to die, how do I die? I was 4/5 years old, I didn't know what death was. I knew I was not wanted though.

Older sister bullying me, scratching my neck raw, parents not intervening, but if she did that to my younger brother my mum would go mad.

I have a mum, dad, older sister and 2 younger brothers - they may as well be dead.

I haven't had children of my own.
I don't even know how I feel.
Maybe a donor egg would be good so no biological link to my crap family.
Also, feel cursed by God.
Family never loved me and maybe I'll never have a family of my own.
I don't deserve a place in a family or society.
It must be a punishement for past life sins, I know I haven't committed any in this life.

I think I always knew. My mum was very remote with us, she never played, interacted or really did anything with us. No hugs or cuddles. Not once did she tell me she loved me. Not even on her death bed; I told her I loved her but she didn’t reciprocate. I miss her though-really frustrating and I wish I didn’t.

My dad loved me unconditionally.

Since I was 6, my sister was 9 and we were woken up by our drunk and screaming mother who told us to get the fuck out of the front door right now as she was done with us. I vividly remember standing by the front door and not knowing what to do or where to go, didn't have any other family and my mother knew this. I don't say this to shock or evoke pity but quite the opposite, I'm not some damaged or emotionally stunted adult but a strong and independent woman who knows that I don't need anyone to love or care for me, except me. You'll be ok, or even better than ok, you may just thrive.

Oh gosh yes my brother used to take it out on me and parents would never intervene or tell us both off for scrapping. Id be on the floor trying to escape 😔.

He was very physical and I've told my kids that no always means no and they havent been. I lived in fear of being hurt by him as I knew noone would stop it. I literalky hid a lot. I remember our downstairs loo had a lock that didnt work but I held on to the handle while he was wrangling it and it hurt and I was convinced he was actually going to kill me of he managed to get in.

@IVFPrayingForBioChild seeing my dad prosper so much now, and reading about the devastating enduring effects of childhood trauma that follow you through life... qre things that firmly have me against karma/all things happen for a reason/god/past lives crap.

It wasnt you. It never could be . You were a child. I see young kids now and so often think I would never harm a child. See yourself as a small child and treat yourself with that compassion.

Im not good at that but its so clear in your writing that we need to say you and to all pp its not your fault, you all deserved more and yes it can still be very hard as an adult ❤

Some of these messages almost had me in years. So cruel to be so nasty to you when you were little children. I truly hope as adults you now be realise you were never the problem, they were and I hope as adults you have people in your lives who make you feel special and amazing. Love yourself.

It has taken me 61 years to realise my mother doesn't love me.

So many sad accounts here. I am amazed at everyone’s strength and resilience, and determination not to repeat their parents’ evil behaviours with their own children.

well said. It’s so important to break the circuit.

@KevinTheAnt Ok, so she didn't love you. Do you love yourself and give yourself the care and compassion that you deserve? A pp gave sage advice above, treat yourself as a small child and be kind.

This year at age 30.
Similar situation to you OP.
You've done the right thing going NC if they're like mine.

I dont ever remember feeling loved but it took me until my early 30s to realise that literally nothing i could do would change that. I was sat outside a church (we were away together and I slipped away for a bit) and essentially bawled my eyes out because I realised that I was never going to have parents who loved me, up until that point I think subconsiously I had been hoping that the right combination of words, action and life choices in me would trigger something.

That said its been freeing to properly consiously realise that because so much less of my words, actions and life choices are dictated by their opinions

Were the younger 2 boys?

I knew when I was 7 or 8. Left when I was 16 and now live many miles away. I wouldn't know how to have a relationship with them nor want to.

My mother loved me unfailingly from when I was just a kick in her belly, to quote Billie Holiday. My father meanwhile -

He'd pushed her down the stairs while she was pregnant with me. When I was born prematurely and with mild cerebral palsy ( not, for all I know, b/o the stairs), he used me as a stick to beat her with.

'Look at the sub-par child she has born me, how could you expect me to be faithful to her'? seemed to be the tenor. He needed cover for his serial infidelity. My mother's stepmother made an avid audience.

I worked these things out over many years - there were a lot of fuckups, my mother is extraordinarily luckless. I'm 50 now and some pennies have only dropped in the last few years.

Saluting all of you who have dealt with similar and worse.