When did you know your parents do not love you

[NEVERwilnever]

Accepting my parents have never loved me has taken me up until now in my early 40s. It's always been about them. My entire family is self-absorbed, competitive and generally toxic to an extent I fear they may harm my children.

I am no contact because I tried all I could, but nothing can ever change what is.

How long did it take you to accept it? Is there anything that triggered?

I’ve known for a very long time that whilst my mother technically loves me in the way a narcissist loves their child, she doesn’t like me.

Her telling my brother that I am a waste of space was the confirmation I needed that my gut instinct was right.

It was liberating tbh. No more FOG.

Well my father calling me a psychopath might have been a clue. And the fact that he ignored my 40th birthday and later sicked some bailiffs on me.
I never cared for him much anyway. But my mum loves me fine.

I'm still working on it. Logically I know this but I'm still pulled in by their occasional bs.

I wish they'd say something honest rather than the dead eye "you're our child of course we are interested" then I will hear nothing from them in over a year again. I only exist to them when our wider family want to do something (weddings funerals) then they will organise coming to see me before, so they can get info then talk about that with others at the event. This month I've just fed fake news. Next weekend is going to be weird.

I think the day I rang them from the hospital after ex had beaten me up. DF said “serves you bloody right” and DMs comment was “it’s not as bad as you’re making out”. Oh, and telling me I could stay with them if I left the ex, but couldn’t take 2 year old DD with me.

I was around 7. My childhood was abusive but I was minded by people who have happy homes. I worked out quite young that I wasn't loved because not every house was like ours.

Let me count the ways …. When my mother
said I have to look after you but I don’t have to love you, or when she forgot my
birthday and argued my d.o.b until
i went and produced my birth certificate. Or maybe when she said that it was my fault for not being married as to why I kept miscarrying. (Was 10 years into my relationship with Dh at that point). Or maybe it was when she only wanted my older sister when dad died, despite me doing all her care and housework etc. Or possibly when she cut me out of her will because I asked her to store my dads piano in her double garage (she only
had one car) whilst I moved house.
Flipside, I always knew my dad loved me unconditionally.

I'm still not sure I know the answer on that TBH. There was a point around aged 8 or 9 when I realised that I would always always come second to alcohol or shitty men in my mother's list of priorities, but I think she 'loved' me to the very limited degree she was capable of loving.

I knew for cold certain when I was 15 but I started working it out when I was 7 or 8 ish. They didn't love my sister either, but they did love the youngest two. It was odd. It was like it didn't work first time round, they regrouped over a period of 4 ish years, and tried again, and it did work.

With my mother it was when I went NC and she reacted with indignation and fury at my disobedience. With my father it was a couple of years later, after I tried to open up separate communication with him and he flat out rejected me, that hurt a lot more.

I'm pretty sure my parents did love me in their own way but they, or specifically my dad, was a selfish sod who was so obsessed with his career and his public standing he just never considered our needs or feelings. And my mum, albeit gentler with us, just spent her life accommodating his needs and considered them more important than ours so she was tacit in this.

My entire childhood was centred around doing things to support my dad's career and the way it would look moving to different places, going to the right schools, having to play with the right children etc but he was almost never actually there because he was working all the time. And when he was around he was either talking about his work or chivvying us to achieve more at school and get a brilliant career like his.

TBH I thought that was what all parents were like until I was well into my 20s.

I have been NC with my parents for about 9 years. I'd say it took me a good few to accept that they don't actually love me and even now I very occasionally feel a bit outraged about it and sorry for poor younger me. Mainly because I have children myself and I just can't imagine not loving them.

What helps, I suppose, is that I don't love my parents. I'm not sure I ever really liked them and I certainly never trusted them. Because of this I feel like it's easier to accept things for what they are. Also, I have a really really nice life - lovely children, a great husband, a nice job and friends and a home and all that. I'm so lucky that I can have no regrets or bitterness about anything, there is nothing to feel anger about.

It's a journey, and not a fun one. But there are some people that you are just better off without.

I'm still trying to figure out if my DM loved us or not. Sometimes I feel as if she did, but there were things she did that makes me think she didn't but thought she did. I don't think my DF loved us, he never really wanted kids in the first place. I am trying to reconcile how DM behaved with us and how it effected me and the choices I've made.

When my child died. They said they couldn't cope with me anymore as I was too intense. I had been the family fixer for years.

I asked them to cancel a one night Premier inn the week after my child died but they said that was too much to ask. Two Years later the dog sitter was sick so the only option for dog was kennels so they cancelled a two week cruise as it wouldn't be fair on the dog

Good god. The are monsters.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your parents being so shit. Nobody deserves that.

My dad when he left mum... I asked was it anything I did, he said it was the whole situation. Not "no" (I was 8).

My mum when I went home for summer after college... said you've gone all posh, doesn't feel like you belong back here.

Neither of them really wanted the responsibility of kids. But had 4 anyhow.

Both are dead now.

@SunsetandCupcakes My goodness that's horrible. I'm very sorry for your loss and for the lack of support from the people you should have been able to rely on.

Families can be a curse rather than a blessing. It's all a matter of good or bad luck, whether you're born to someone who deserves you or not.

There's some awful stories in this thread, I'm sorry it's such a common issue though the solidarity helps.

For me there were some pretty obvious clues when I was growing up - my mum would regularly tell me she didn't like my name & that I looked like my dad (he had named me, she vehemently hated him), that she never wanted a girl etc.

What sunk in in a slightly more concrete way after I moved out though was that she never rang me to see how I was - not once. I used to ring her occasionally to let her know how I was getting on but it was very noticeably different to my new friends (in halls of residence) whose parents were anxiously checking on them at least weekly. I mentioned it to my brother in passing who must have said something because she did then ring to have a go at me for bad mouthing her.

I encouraged her to visit a few times which she did, which I had to fully plan and pay for (down to booking her train tickets and giving her directions where to meet etc) She was clearly just completely disinterested.

I moved halfway across the country and let things slip into minimal contact, I met up at Christmases for the sake of my siblings and provided some practical care/funding from a distance before she died.

Honestly it was a relief when she'd died; it is more socially acceptable to say that my mum has passed on than my mum has no interest in knowing me.

Every time you give them a thought or a worry, it's wasted. It's time to let them go.

When I was about 21, I clearly remember thinking- 'that's it. No more tears for her.' And I stuck to it.

And now, I know I've beaten her. My kids are amazing, we tell each other we love each other all the time; she taught me how to not be a Mother and this enabled me to be a good Mum. Not perfect but good enough to make a happy family.

Make your life the life you want. Be with people you want. I bet you a pound of eggs they aren't worrying about you like you are worrying about them. Good luck in finding a peaceful future.

My father told me to kill myself when I was 10 so that was a good sign he wasn't my biggest fan! Aged 12 he chucked me out the house.

I think I'm quite resilient because I can't say he's affected me too much, I never liked him or had any bond so there was no sense of loss.

My mother loves me in her own way. She has BPD and so is quite selfish and unstable, she's affected me more but she definitely cares, as much as she's capable of.

From the moment I have memories to be honest

she didn’t want a girl-and not one that took after her father

it came to a halt when my then partner beat me to a pulp

id managed to text her to ask for help-it took her 3 hours to drive 5 minutes to mine-she was on the phone to her sister at the time

anyway she walked in,I’m sat there blood everywhere,kids screaming,me with black eyes and a broken nose,him steaming drunk and kicking off,smashing up anything in his path

i kid you not,her exact words to him where ‘I know sweetheart,she’s a bitch who deserves everything she’s got tonight,but you have to calm down or she’ll have you arrested-you know what she’s like’

and then she got him into her car,ready to drive him home (that was 36 miles from mine) when he went for her-he missed but she had him arrested but failed to mention that he’d battered the hell out of me and I needed to go to a hospital-I was in the house trying to calm down my children and patch myself up

she refused to babysit for me so I could get medical help-she just laughed at me and walked out

thats when I knew that she could never love me-she’s incapable of love as a normal person

Sorry this sounds so upsetting for you. Wonder why you are continuing with the relationship. You don't have to, you could be free for good.

My mother shouldn’t have had kids - but she did. She was the don’t ask questions, do respond and if you did a smack on the keg which bloody hurt. I did smack my eldest once and felt terrible - all because he didn’t want his dinner he was about 3 and I threw his plate against the wall, picked him up out of his little seat and smacked his leg - like I had been - and he cried. I still feel awful now. Think i really knew then so when I was 28 or so because I’d felt so bad it stopped me from doing it again but for her she just carried on and on.

once i threw my arms out and clipped my youngest round the head - her face was utter shock - still see her face now. 10 years on and that was an accident. My mother hit my sister round her head and then smacked her for crying about it. My mother was an utterly uncaring bitch whose now dead

I always knew, but it was confirmed when I was pregnant. I was told the baby could have spina bifida - she didn't contact me for 6 weeks after I told her.

I think, although not sure if I'm right about it, that I was 49 (about 7 months ago). It's complicated by the fact that my mother, who is 88, had a fall in August and after returning from hospital was anxious but also extremely obnoxious. I organised carers, for both her and my father, travelled to see her daily (this means at least three hours' drive), cooked, looked after everything, organished a stairift, new clothes, anything at all I could think that could help them. She became more and more unpleasant, refusing to thank me for anything. I thought that she must have dementia. However, after many interventions and tests - there is no dementia diagnosis. My mother cannot say she loves me because she is angry with me for what has happened to her - ie her old age, macular degeneration, her fall. She is fiercely resentful of my dad, who has late stages Parkinsons. He has faced everything with dignity and humility. She wants me to wait on her hand and foot and cannot accept that I have a life, an identity which is not an extension of herself. I have always known that her love was conditional. I don't think she loves me now - she is too ego-centric. My brother, single, lives around the corner from them, no responsibilities, no friends, poor social skills, is effectively the "golden child". She has been, although less now, a charismatic woman and people have always said what an amazing woman she is. Now, because of her behaviour, very few will visit her (I absolutely understnad this).

I am not a resilient person. I am sensitive and hugely anxious to please, to sort everything out for everyone. It is impossible not to be desperatley hurt.

When I was 34. My mother told me that I had been a hard child to love. It actually freed me.