When did you know your parents do not love you

[NEVERwilnever]

Accepting my parents have never loved me has taken me up until now in my early 40s. It's always been about them. My entire family is self-absorbed, competitive and generally toxic to an extent I fear they may harm my children.

I am no contact because I tried all I could, but nothing can ever change what is.

How long did it take you to accept it? Is there anything that triggered?

I'm so sorry for everyone else who is facing this, it isn't how it's supposed to be.

I think I was in my 30s, my mum was being critical of me as a child. I was a shy child, did well at school, never got into any trouble, didn't answer back etc. I asked her why she never said anything positive about me as a child. Her reply: 'there's nothing positive to say'.

I was told from early on I was a walking disaster. I was like my dad (who she hated) didn't believe me when my father sexually assaulted me. Told me I hadn't done anything to make her proud if me. Shows me no love or warmth. She is like marble....a truly sad human being.

Sort of always knew my mum didn't love me (at best I was an interaccessory), but very much confirmed when she tried to strangle me aged 16/17 when I wouldn't talk to her because she did something bad then tried to blame my dad for it. I was always a far second best to my brother to my dad, but I think he at least liked me eventually.

Recently. I’m 40. She’s a covert narcissist and so was her mum.

I always knew something was wrong….. only clicked last Christmas when she announced in front of the whole family that I made my younger sister’s childhood miserable. My younger sister is my mother’s favourite and is her flying monkey. My mum LOVES that she relies so heavily on her. Behind her back, my mum bitches, calls her husband names and generally criticises her. Both of my sisters have eating disorders.

I spent my childhood miserable and lonely, waiting for my Dad to come home. My lovely Dad worked away (lucky him!). We’re close and he’s wonderful but he has had a lifetime (they married in their teens) coping with my mother. He’s a hero.

My mum would gang up on me with my two sisters. I remember being laughed at, ridiculed, berated, hit. My childhood was full of sadness, loneliness and insecurity.

I am successful despite her. I must NEVER turn out like her and I must protect my children from her. These things are crucial.

When I was 11 I was I’ll in bed with tonsillitis and she told me I was going to die and she didn’t care if I did then didn’t speak to me for a few days or enter my bedroom to see how I was, never explained or apologised and my dad didn’t do anything. Sadly 40 years later things are no better

Good question op - no one likes to talk about parents who don't love their kids so it's nice to be asked.

I never remember feeling love for my parents. I felt guilty, worthless and scared around them and relieved away from them.

I knew for sure when I was having a late miscarriage in my early 40s at home. She turned up three times to argue with me/at me. All while I was in the most pain I've ever experienced.

I am grateful to that little flicker of a life for showing me I had no mother.

For all the the unloved. You deserved so much more and I hope adult life has been kinder.

I always knew my parents were crap but it wasn’t until I had DC 1 I realised they couldn’t have ever loved me. Surprisingly I didn’t and still don’t care

brilliant post - take control of your life, remove toxic people and create the family you deserve!

Having my own children and loving them to the best of my impaired abilities. Doing a family tree was helpful, tracing the trauma back through the generations and over hundreds of years around the world gave me perspective. Meeting people who were also not loved or wanted by their parents. Twenty years of lithium! Magic mushrooms.

When my dad welcomed my ex husband into his home with open arms after his release from prison for DA against me. He then made no secret that he believed my ex over me despite overwhelming evidence & a conviction. Ex's family even knew he was an abusive man (but didn't bother mentioning it to me until after his arrest).

My father was decent enough until my parents divorced.

Then he married a woman who openly despised me and my sibling - allowing himself to become almost estranged from us both. They separated and he told me all the dreadful things she’d said about us…then got back with her after a few months. Any lingering respect I had for him evaporated at that point.

They have subsequently divorced and he now lives in a rented flat, a few miles down the road. I see him once a year, or so. Despite having nothing meaningful in his life, he doesn’t call or visit either me or the DC. His loss.

I’ll mourn the father he was when I was younger when he’s gone but he’s not added anything to my life for almost 20 years.

My mother OTOH is my best friend and we see each other most days ❤️

The people v work

This is DH dad. Obsessed with competition, winning, his amazing ( to him) career...DH has no value in his eyes..he hardly spent any time with DH as a child because he was working.
But hey, they have a nice house no one feels comfortable in!

I think I always knew, I can't remember not knowing. School was a big one because I would see how other parents were with their DC.

If I ever had any doubt then it was confirmed at about the age of 10 when she told me that she had bleeding during her pregnancy with me and if she had known she would have had a child like me then she would have wished for a miscarriage. I was no doubt a difficult child, I cried out for love and attention which I never got. It took me getting into my 30s to really grasp that I was a child, it wasn't my fault and I'm not a bad person.

When I had my own children and realised what love really was. I realised I’d never had anyone care about me the way I care about them.

From very, very early on - they were utterly and totally absorbed in each other, and I was left to my own devices… until I was needed to relay messages between them when they fought… or used to score points off each other…

When they encouraged my younger sister to punch and kick me

When she told me.

I was five.

Parents who don't love their children are simply inadequate. Thank you Clare Rayner.

For many years I thought it was probably me, that I am unlovable, but now I realise they are very dysfunctional people. When I was about 9 my mother told me I was adopted for a day as a joke and laughed as I cried hysterically for my real mother.

When I started my period at 12 I accidentally left a wrapped pad near the toilet. When I got home from school she told me I had a present under my pillow. I was really excited, it was the used pad.

When my 2nd baby was admitted to hospital with suspected neonatal CMV I was terrified and exhausted. She said she would come to see us, I hadn’t been home for 2 days. She called to say she was too tired.

A few weeks ago she was at my house. It was a very stressful day and after I made dinner I was "eyes rolling back in the head" tired. I didn’t feel well enough to drive her home. I offered her a taxi or said she could stay the night. She stormed off and isn’t speaking to me.

I usually go and patch things up (every single time). I asked her once, if I didn’t do that would you miss me and feel compelled to reconcile or just not speak to me until the day you die. She picked the latter. I’m done.

My father is the same, abrasive and hostile. He put me down and can’t tolerate anyone expressing an opposing political view to him. It’s exhausting and demoralising. He was aggressive and intolerable when I was a child.

My heart goes out to anyone who had to endure parents such as those described here. Make your peace with it, go low or no contact and live your life.

I always knew my mum didn't love me. Then she told me so when I was about 8 years old.

My dad was really not emotionally available when I was growing up. He loved me but he didn't really take notice of me. He definitely loves me now and we are close.

When I was in a psychiatric hospital for 8 weeks with severe depression after 7 miscarriages and the breakdown of my marriage and she didn't visit me once as it would be "too hard" for her.

I had a difficult childhood with her (drugs etc) and was raised by my lovely grandparents who sadly passed in their 60s of cancer.

Oh so many that say they dont love conventionally. I think they are broken people.

They werent fussed when I was in intensive care. I was at home with a baby and a 3 yr old with husband working away and still recovering and woildnt come when i asked for help.

Father when I asked when he could come up (2hr drive) asked if he would just rather the petrol mkeny and not come 😔.

One of ky parents wealthy but moved onto new partner. Kids dont get as much as an icecream just not interested.

But like those above - I'm the bitter one/difficult one/spikey one 🙄

When I was 8 years old and my mother tried to slit my throat.
I have days wishing I had a normal,childhood, but I like who I am now, and tell my children every day that I love them

And agree with pp re having kids. Each time my child passes a landmark I feel for the "me" that wasn't celebrated its like I see a different version of my life where kids arent hit or ignored or not fed or made to feel awful.

Yet... I still hold put a hope. I think mum does in a wierd way. In her hesrt she wants to be a "good mum" and wants us to be okay. But is so self absorbed and wouldnt ever cope with us talking about how we'd come home to her drunk/collapsed/hungry...

Its taken me til me 40s to realise they'll never be who I need and to detatch from them. But ..... I'm still not quite there and still feel I need to justify myself if my dad is around or try and "win" his approval 😔