When did you know your parents do not love you

[NEVERwilnever]

Accepting my parents have never loved me has taken me up until now in my early 40s. It's always been about them. My entire family is self-absorbed, competitive and generally toxic to an extent I fear they may harm my children.

I am no contact because I tried all I could, but nothing can ever change what is.

How long did it take you to accept it? Is there anything that triggered?

I don't know the correct wording for this thread, only I'm so sorry for the pain and misery parent's put the once beautiful innocent DC here through. 💗

The strength of the pp's is mind-blowing.

A good one was when she accused me, age 14, of "having an affair" with my step dad, because we had a normal, happy relationship.

I knew for sure when I was 17, I knew my brother was the favorite and I was supposed to be the pretty little girl that completed their family.

At 17 I was stuck in a VI form I hated and looking back I had depression ans well as gynae issues.

Anyway I was off VI form with a dodgy tummy, I was down stairs she was having her usual afternoon nap upstairs.

I tried to get up from my chair and get tot he kitchen but the pain kicked in and I was on the floor. I had a badly inflamed gall bladder and jaundice but I didn't know that, I knew I was in pain.

I shouted to wake her up but nothing happened.

When she did get up (about 2 pm) I asked her to call the Dr, her response was I should take some paracetamol and go to bed.

So we went on with me going from asking to pleading and her saying to take paracetamol and go to bed.

When my dad got back from work (5.30 - 6pm ish), he phoned the Dr, the Dr came out and before attempting to examining me called an ambulance.

My mother then jumped into 'caring mode' and insisted she came in the ambulance with me where she complained they were not using the blue lights and sirens.

The A and E staff had my mother sussed fairly quickly, they were asking me about boyfriends and if I could be pregnant, then they sent my mum out of the room to ask me again.

They thought it might be an ectopic pregnancy. I wish I had had the courage then to ask them not to let her back in the room.

I was in hospital for a week on IV antibiotics to start and a NG tube.

Someone who refuses to call an ambulance / Dr for their child who is clearly in need can't love them can they?

When I saw the way she treated my five-year-old daughter, and I realised how unacceptable her behaviour was. She'd always treated me the same way and then blamed me for overreacting, and it helped me start to realise that she doesn't love any of her children, she just loves her perception of herself as a wonderful mother.

It’s truly heartbreaking to read this thread but also comforting because you know your not the only one.

I knew my Dad didn’t love his children due to absence, last time I spoken saw him in person was on my 16 birthday and he slapped me for talking negatively about him as a father and called my Mother a whore since then it was NC with him for 10 years. I called him last year to see if he had any remorse and asked him to apologise for his absence which he did not and said he had been a good father.

My Mum is a different story as we had a close physical bond up unto age 10 ish around the time my Dad left. I can recall countless nights being alone, staying at friends house because she was never there. I had DS at 18 she forced/ blackmailed me into giving him up to a friend of hers after making us all homeless. When i finally got DS back when he was 3 she relied on me to house us all - including my older brother.
I worked full time and was completing my masters part time and she rarely helped with childcare and made me feel immensely guilty when asking. During the Pandemic I had feeling of permanently deleting myself, she tried the whole motherly thing for 3 days but then didn’t speak to me for a week and said she was busy. After this I moved out she never helped, encouraged or spoke to me. That was the last straw. The most shocking thing is she is mental healthcare provider.

omg, the cruelty and the madness that people have endured. My parents think they love me but they love the part they wrote for me and if I won't play that part, I'm ostracised from the family with a long list of projections (paranoid, sensitive, angry, entitled, unhappy). I just want to be heard, once and allowed in to the family for who I AM not who they need me to be because they cannot accept a bit of negative feedback. (ie, stop hurting me, or, a boundary I TRY to implement) bUT nothing I've been through compares to what I've read here. My parents are just dysfunctional and immature and have supported each others' blindspots for 54 years instead of growing as people. Controlling defensive always right mother + passive weak foot soldier father whose only ''strength'' is aligning with a more dominant person than himself and backing her up and confirming to her that she is right.

That M Scott Peck book the people of the lie is on youtube as an audio.

If we're doing book recommendations, I really enjoyed listening to the Tao of fully feeling by pete walker. it's better than his other book imo, much more soothing. He says anger is to protect you. It lets you know what you need to get out of your life. It lets you know where the blame is. You need to know exactly what you're angry about and who to blame before you can even start to heal from it.

One of the labels always cast on to me was ''angry'' so I found the book very soothing. Forgiveness is not prescribed as in instruction. It's like if you get there, good but if it's to be genuine, you need to move through anger first. I liked that. Of course I have been angry. My parents have never allowed me to have a reaction to being hurt. Which has of course meant that I went through life not noticing when I was being hurt/abused. But they judged me for being stupid enough to get in to an abusive relationship.

I listened to it as an audible and I hung on every word. Might listen again.

This thread has really broken my heart for so many people and also inspired me with the strength and dignity of the PPs who have experienced such awful treatment. I love the recos of books and audio books too - I am going to read / listen to them all!

I started to realise something was not right with my family dynamic when I was 8. I went for a sleepover at my best friend's house and spent the whole time feeling safe - I couldn't put my finger on the feeling then but looking back now, I felt free from the constant anxiety of being humiliated, verbally attacked, emotionally abused / neglected etc. My friend's parents showed a genuine interest in me and thanked me for helping with things like clearing up. I must have looked like a right loon as I had no idea how to respond appropriately because it had never happened before. The whole experience was an eye-opener.

They later raised welfare concerns about me (I found out about a decade later) with the school and the Drs. These were never followed up as we moved a lot but just finding out they had done so helped validate my thoughts that something was very wrong and it's good to know that at least someone was looking out for me as much as they were able.

Sending love and strength to all the circuit breakers out there x

I think narcissistic, toxic parents ''love'' in a way which is so distorted and harmful that it is just a twisted version of what genuine love actually is.

I think my parents were convinced they loved me but were emotionally, verbally and physically abusive which is the opposite of love.

Also they never loved the real me, if that makes sense because they only saw me as a possession and extension of themselves.

They expected me to feel what they wanted me to feel, think what they wanted me to think, be quiet all the time, never complain, follow the career they had decided I should follow and show no personality or interests of my own whatsoever.

Basically their ''love'' was conditional on total control and manipulation. They don't know anything about who I actually am as a person, it was of no interest to them...

I have no love for my relatives either and don't miss them in my life at all.

Chairpose your point about loving the part they wrote for you really struck a chord. What a great way to express it.

I feel hugely proud of my self that I turned out well despite the appalling abuse and neglect I suffered, that I manage to work full time despite having complex PTSD, that DS loves me, that I am a kind and loving person despite them. That I survived and have a nice life without them.
I hope you are all proud of yourselves too.

I'm sure I have complex ptsd. I go back to my doctor every 18m-2 yr and its just labelled mental health and am offer of drugs..

I don't function well and in my 40s its getting worse.

On the surface had a great upbringing in reality it was a different story but I parked it all and both parents have died now however I now worry about my own parenting my older child age 7 is awful to me always has been since a toddler and to her father too and I love her dearly and spend my life trying to make sure she has a nice time she seems to hate me already
I guess sometimes there's a "natural bond" and sometimes there isn't
My youngest is totally different

This.

Its nothing to do with you and all about them. Every child deserves to be loved and I’m so sorry for those of you who weren’t. But it’s no reflection on you. Only a very evil or very damaged person doesn’t love their own child.

I've been struggling my entire life and at times am near suicidal because of the utter confusion and pain my mother has caused me. She has always been cold and distant and when I was younger (and still lived with her) she would criticise me to no end but the most shocking thing happened when my father died when I was 25 (they were long divorced by then) and I inherited his property. As I was living abroad at that time, my mother told me she'll look after the property and rent it out, putting the incoming money to a trust for me (so I could pay off my student loan). I was still reeling from the death of my father (he died in a tragic accident) and so I didn't interfere (she asked me not to). Three years later my mother told me that she had in fact taken all the rental income (because she "had no money, and needed it") and that I was left with nothing. I also found out that she had in fact been trying to sell the property (and of course she would have taken the money). I was completely taken aback as I didn't understand how could she take something my father left me away from me, her own daughter!?

She is the most callous woman I have ever known. For 20 years (since I left home) I have in some way or another tried to have a decent relationship with her, but it's just not possible, because she just does not care. She says so herself, too, in plain words. Once when I was upset, I asked her why did she even have me if she has so little care for me, and she blurted out: "Well, you know, I just don't have a mother's instinct, what can I do? I had you because I got pregnant, that's all."

When I (occasionally) telephone her, she sounds annoyed and says she "can't be bothered" to talk to me because she "has no energy". Sometimes (maybe once or twice a year) she telephones me, but only if she needs money. When I was a teenager she would hide sweets from me in our house, because I was a "pig". I was of course also too ugly, too stupid, too fat, too this, and too that -- you name it. It was horrible. She would also compare me to other girls (my age) and tell me how wonderful/beautiful/successful they are, and what I loser I am. When I had a suitor, she'd openly wonder what could they possibly see in me. Etc. The list goes on. It's just terrible.

Sorry for such a lengthy ramble. And although it's heartbreaking to see so many sad stories here, perhaps in a way it is at least a little bit comforting to know I am not the only one, and that it's not my fault.

P.S. It's taken me a while to understand (and accept) the reality, but I think now that I'm in my 40s I am finally realising she never loved me at all, even when I was a child.

Thank you, I had the same experience as in I was so used to being humiliated and neglected by my mother, but I didn't even realise how bad it was until I saw/experienced how other kids' parents were with them. I remember the surprise and bafflement.

When she introduced my brothers wife as the daughter she wished she had had.

My heart is breaking for everyone posting here. Your particular post is so heart rending. What kind of human being, let alone a mother, does this to their own child? I hope you continue to work on yourself and find peace without having to contact her.

My mum was a good mother (albeit controlling and enmeshed, but she had her reasons) when I was a child. The problems arose when I was an adult.

My sibling is 10 years the older, and has always been jealous of me. Could never cope with me being the centre of attention, ever (eg I was bridesmaid for a family friend, she wasn't impressed so decided to tell our mother she'd been raped. She later admitted it was all lies, but meant the entire reception was spent with the rest of the family outside consoling her, whilst I was left on my own confused as to what was happening.)

This meant that she couldn't cope with me being treated as an equal when I turned 18, so my mum didn't, going for the easy option.

I was made responsible for her feelings ("Don't do/mention X, it might upset her!") whilst no such instruction given to her. If I was then upset mum would dismiss my feelings, and actually told me I hadn't been upset hours after she'd seen me crying.

The crunch point was 2 years ago. I had a baby at the start of Lockdown, so missed out on the whole showing off my baby to friends thing that I'd waited so long for. Eventually managed to visit my mum at nearly 5 months, and looked forward to seeing people. I needed the time for me, and stupidly seemed that, for once, the time would be about me.

I was wrong. My sibling visited, and announced she was coming over every day. I was upset (much to my mother's surprise, though anyone who knows anything about my relationship with my sibling would have expected my reaction). Every day I was told not to spend too long with friends (some I was "allowed" to go and see, but I had to be sneaky about it - seeing friends was the whole damn point of the week!!!!!). I was also "supposed" to let her do x, y and z with my baby. Friends organised afternoon tea for me, my sibling dominated and I barely spoke 100 words in two hours.

I cried myself to sleep each night which my mother knew about. I also utterly broke down in front of her three times, to which I got responses such as "I didn't think you'd be this upset," "Stop going on about it," "You're upsetting me!" Bearing in mind that if I'd been my sister she would have been tangling herself in knots not to let my sister be upset.

The crunch point was when, having said I'd message sister to asked her not to come over on the last day, meaning I'd be able to pack etc with no rush, let baby nap before leaving, and have something to look forward to other than getting home, my mother looked me in the eyes and said "You can't do that, she might be upset!"

So it's fine for me to be utterly heartbroken for a week, but heaven forbid her precious first born is upset over one day.

That's when I realised I could never treat my child as she's treated me, and thus I can't believe she loves me. I'd take pain and argument for my dd any day. To her I'm a sacrificial lamb. I didn't speak to her for two weeks after that, and she asked me why. Wasn't it obvious?

@Iusyje thank you. To have someone not minimise or normalise it actually helps. I self-monitor constantly to make sure I don’t behave in the same way with my own children. No way I want this cycle to continue. Everyday gets a little easier, I focus on repairing me instead of fixing them.

When they decided to repeatedly report me to social services with multiple false allegations and pretended not to know anything about it, falsely sympathising but also telling me it was probably because I wasn't house proud enough. (My mother judged me because I usually have an untidy home, hers is always like a show home and she thinks everyone should have the same kids or not)

We no longer speak and haven't heard from her since pre pandemic. Can't say I miss her.

Yes I had this with my mother saying she wished my cousin was her daughter and if she could she would swap me for her . She also compares me with my cousin to other people saying I'm nothing like my cousin

Similar rules apply in my family. My MUM is allowed to be hurt (and my Dad is allowed to be hurt). My brother is so respected. I have NO feelings apparently. No right to ask for my feelings to be considered. It actually makes them angry if I say ''that hurt''.

So what did your mum say when you told her why you hadn't spoken to her for two weeks. Did it penetrate her forcefield of denial, or did she even 1% hear it?

Only 2 weeks
Why not make it permanent