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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband "too tired" after business trip

204 replies

inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:33

My husband has been away for almost two weeks, so of course I missed him. He was in France, and we live near the airport so not a huge journey or any jet lag.

I've been alone with two toddlers the whole time, plus I work full time, so it has been hard at times but bearable. He runs his own company, so going on this trip wasn't pushed on him by any means.

He got home at about 8 this morning. Straight away starts saying he's tired. My parents live nearby and offered to take the children for a few hours after lunch.

I assumed (my mistake), he would be up for sex, or at least to cuddle and chat for a while.

Straight away, he goes "great, I can have a nap".

I took the dog out and did laundry. That took an hour. I let him sleep another hour. Knowing the children would be home in another hour or so, I woke him up. Ohhh but he's sooo tired, so I left it.

I wouldn't mind if it was a one off but he's always tired. We haven't had sex in months. He pulls his weight around the house but he just has no get up and go. Every time we do something, I'm chivvying him along to get ready.

I think I just feel resentful, disappointed and starting to feel ugly and unattractive. I really missed him when he was away but it feels like he just wants to work and sleep.

OP posts:
Redouble · 06/06/2022 09:34

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Original poster
inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:37

Redouble · 06/06/2022 09:34

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Not right now because he's asleep.

I have spoken to him previously about how the relationship feels stale.

OP posts:
5zeds · 06/06/2022 09:40

Sounds like he’s run down. Get some good multivitamins, sun, exercise and a good diet. I really doubt he’s just gone off you.

Unicorndreamsnight · 06/06/2022 09:42

Could he be getting it from someone else (sex)? Sorry to be blunt.

Original poster
inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:42

5zeds · 06/06/2022 09:40

Sounds like he’s run down. Get some good multivitamins, sun, exercise and a good diet. I really doubt he’s just gone off you.

I can't control those things though.

It's enough to persuade him to take the dog for a walk.

OP posts:
lassof · 06/06/2022 09:43

Send him to the GP for a check up. If he really needs to sleep like this, he could be hypothyroid, or have a vitamin deficiency, or something else wrong health-wise

Original poster
inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:44

Unicorndreamsnight · 06/06/2022 09:42

Could he be getting it from someone else (sex)? Sorry to be blunt.

Really doubtful. I drop into his office without notice all the time, I've never had reason to suspect him. If he's out with friends, people will mention they've seen him out (it's a small village).

Definitely not the first thing that springs to my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:45

lassof · 06/06/2022 09:43

Send him to the GP for a check up. If he really needs to sleep like this, he could be hypothyroid, or have a vitamin deficiency, or something else wrong health-wise

He is a hypochondriac and at the doctor constantly (or at least more than I have ever seen anyone, check ups and so on at least twice a year).

Never a thing wrong with him.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 06/06/2022 09:46

Tell him to go to the dr and get a thorough check up.
Yanbu though - amazing how men who are fathers get to be tired and retire to bed, but women who are mothers still have to go to work and look after the kids, put a wash on etc. When do you get to be tired and he steps up?
Assuming the dr says there's nothing actually wrong with him, maybe you need to be taking some trips and then coming home to bed!

Testina · 06/06/2022 09:47

Are in the U.K.? Getting back at 08:00 even when you’re close to an airport sounds like an early start. And just the act of travelling can make you feel tired - I’ve done U.K. <> EU flights for years. I’d be really not up for sex on arrival after the early morning!

ButterflyWitch · 06/06/2022 09:47

If my husband was pestering me for sex like this after I'd returned from traveling for work I'd be re-evaluating the relationship

Discovereads · 06/06/2022 09:47

My DH has his own company too and takes trips. But the trips he does do are actually essential for the business? So in a way, the trips are pushed on him by necessity instead of a line manager. Were you saying you think your DHs trip was not essential, but an excuse to get away?

I think you might be a bit unreasonable over a 2-3hr nap directly after getting back from a two week business trip (if it’s a legitimately essential trip). I only had energy for hitting the ground running doing household chores and welcome home sex before we had children…so in my twenties. I suppose childless couples might have such energy levels until older, but you do have children.

But if he’s going on random trips paid by his business that are not really necessary, spending that time abroad faffing about/relaxing, and then coming home and ignoring you…well yes you are right to be annoyed by it and open a discussion with him with the aim of him changing things.

You say he is always tired as well. If it’s not an excuse and he genuinely is always tired then suggest he see the GP for blood tests to see what is causing his fatigue. He could have a nutrient deficiency or post viral fatigue (ie long covid).

OhTheLeetleHandsAndFeetle · 06/06/2022 09:48

Maybe he is just tired. We’d all be pretty snippy with you if you were a man pestering your wife for sex. Maybe he just doesn’t want it!

ImAvingOops · 06/06/2022 09:48

Sorry, cross pored with you. Time for some blunt discussion then, because he's not pulling his weight if you are working and doing childcare, even if he goes do some housework.
Maybe relationship counselling?
Or booking time away for the two of you and going on proper dates. It's easy to get into a rut I think.

5zeds · 06/06/2022 09:48

Provide the it all for a fortnight and then see if it works. If it does presumably he can get on with it himself. The only way to change is to change. Personally I like a bit of a health kick at the beginning of the summer it perks everyone else.

Original poster
inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:49

ImAvingOops · 06/06/2022 09:46

Tell him to go to the dr and get a thorough check up.
Yanbu though - amazing how men who are fathers get to be tired and retire to bed, but women who are mothers still have to go to work and look after the kids, put a wash on etc. When do you get to be tired and he steps up?
Assuming the dr says there's nothing actually wrong with him, maybe you need to be taking some trips and then coming home to bed!

To be fair, he does do plenty around the house and he lets me sleep in loads. And he does a lot with our sons. He's not a freeloader by any means. He also gets his lie ins of course.

But as soon as our sons are in bed...that's it. No hope of us having a chat or anything more than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:50

ButterflyWitch · 06/06/2022 09:47

If my husband was pestering me for sex like this after I'd returned from traveling for work I'd be re-evaluating the relationship

Pester him for sex? I woke him up from a nap after two hours which he asked me to do. Then he went back to sleep.

I never even mentioned sex.

OP posts:
lassof · 06/06/2022 09:51

inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:45

He is a hypochondriac and at the doctor constantly (or at least more than I have ever seen anyone, check ups and so on at least twice a year).

Never a thing wrong with him.

Show quote history

Or maybe they haven't found what it is yet? Or it's depression. He sounds unwell. If you think he's just using it as an excuse to get out of things, then I guess it could be, but it isn't normal to need that much daytime sleep and still be tired. Plus he keeps going to the doctors as he obviously thinks something is wrong.

Original poster
inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:51

I don't know why people are saying I was pestering him for sex.

I didn't mention sex to him.

OP posts:
Getoff · 06/06/2022 09:52

I wouldn't expect anyone whose been woken from sleep to be anything but grumpy.

Someone who arrived home at 8am from a flight likely had at most four hours sleep the night before, I'd expect it to be the following day before they were back to normal.

Sandra1984 · 06/06/2022 09:54

Your sexual and emotional needs are not being fulfilled in this relationship, I'm not sure about his (is he seeing someone? watching porn?). You didn't sign up for a sexless relationship. Sit with him, have a long conversation and let him know how you're feeling. He needs to know. If the situation continues after that then inform him that you love him but intend to get your sexual needs met somewhere else.

jaffacakesareepic · 06/06/2022 09:54

inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:51

I don't know why people are saying I was pestering him for sex.

I didn't mention sex to him.

Because in your op you dont mention he asked you to wake him up after two hours. So it genuinely reads like you woke a tired man up just because you wanted sex which is quite off, not saying thats what happened just how it reads

orwellwasright · 06/06/2022 09:54

Unicorndreamsnight · 06/06/2022 09:42

Could he be getting it from someone else (sex)? Sorry to be blunt.

Typical Mumsnet overreaction. People's sex drives ebb and flow over their lives. Yet obviously he's having an affair Hmm

Original poster
inaplace · 06/06/2022 09:54

He went to sleep at 8 last night, got driven to the airport in the morning, slept on the plane and got driven back to our house.

So no, more than 4 hours sleep.

People are making a lot of assumptions so I think I'll step away as this is not helping me one way or the other.

OP posts:
Testina · 06/06/2022 09:55

“But as soon as our sons are in bed...that's it. No hope of us having a chat or anything more than that.”

Sometimes I don’t want to have sex, and it’s easier to say I’m tired. I’m not too tired for a chat, but if I’m awake / energised enough for a chat, then I have to be more upfront and blunt that I don’t - at this time - want sex. So I white lie that I’m tired. You also mentioned a cuddle - every person I’ve ever dated who has said, “we can just cuddle” has been hoping the cuddle will convert to sex. (me included!)

I would focus your conversation with him on sex. Initiating sex after none for months when he’d need you since early morning was doomed to failure.