Husband "too tired" after business trip

[inaplace]

My husband has been away for almost two weeks, so of course I missed him. He was in France, and we live near the airport so not a huge journey or any jet lag.

I've been alone with two toddlers the whole time, plus I work full time, so it has been hard at times but bearable. He runs his own company, so going on this trip wasn't pushed on him by any means.

He got home at about 8 this morning. Straight away starts saying he's tired. My parents live nearby and offered to take the children for a few hours after lunch.

I assumed (my mistake), he would be up for sex, or at least to cuddle and chat for a while.

Straight away, he goes "great, I can have a nap".

I took the dog out and did laundry. That took an hour. I let him sleep another hour. Knowing the children would be home in another hour or so, I woke him up. Ohhh but he's sooo tired, so I left it.

I wouldn't mind if it was a one off but he's always tired. We haven't had sex in months. He pulls his weight around the house but he just has no get up and go. Every time we do something, I'm chivvying him along to get ready.

I think I just feel resentful, disappointed and starting to feel ugly and unattractive. I really missed him when he was away but it feels like he just wants to work and sleep.

What difference does it make if I mentioned he told me to wake him?

How is waking someone the same as pestering for sex?

So many assumptions...

Also: find the right time to ask for sex, after a long flight when he's exhausted is a bad time.

Business travel can be exhausting. Two weeks sleeping out of hotels, meetings with customers everyday and then getting home at 8am (did he drive through the night or get the first flight in? ) Europe is an hour ahead so he must have been up at 3am to catch a plane/train at 5.30, which is 6.30 U.K. time, to be home by 8.

When I did an international job, it usually took me a few days to recover from a 10 day trip.

He should still go and ask for blood tests. He may not be a hypochondriac. It’s not uncommon for people to be fobbed off for years by doctors and told there is nothing wrong with them before they are eventually listened to and diagnosed. There was a recent news article about a mother who had repeatedly gone to the GP with a back ache, headaches and bleeding. She was told it was muscle pain combined with early menopause and to rest, take paracetamol, take up yoga. This went on for three years and 50 visits until the GP finally agreed to actually run some tests and sadly it was cancer and the years of being fobbed off meant the cancer was inoperable and terminal. She died.
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/gps-missed-mothers-cancer-50-times-80j7mrv80cg

The deaths as a result of being fobbed off sometimes make the news like this case. But it’s the tip of an iceberg. Tons of people struggle with undiagnosed chronic health conditions for years as they try and get doctors to investigate what is wrong with them.

YABU.

You assumed he'd be up for sex - he was tired from a business trip and had a nap, you didn't mention sex to him - you're now mad he's not a mind reader? Or mad he's too tired after a business trip to jump your bones right away?

You've said he lets you have lie ins, pulls his weight around the house, definitely isn't cheating etc. Could it not just be he was legitimately tired after travelling and being away?

My DH travels in Europe for work, the actual act of travelling is tiring regardless of time zones - especially if he's home at 8am (from France so, travel to French airport / security etc, actual flight time, security this end, travel to your home all before 8am!). Surely the nap means he'd be useful that day rather than no help to you past midday?

He still had to wake up. When I travel, going to bed early the night before doesn’t mean I’m full of energy next morning, more that I don’t crash in the afternoon. He still had to get to early, stand around for boarding and passport control, collect luggage, walk out to his driver… even if he did sleep on the plane (one hour?) he still had an early start.
If he’s in bed at 20:00 in France then he’s not feigning tiredness to get out of parenting.

I get tired after travelling, always have done.

I am also always very tired if someone wakes me from a nap rather than waking up naturally myself

I think you're not unreasonable to have issues with the fact you haven't had sex for months. That's a valid concern.

But his return from a two week business probably wasn't the best time to try and break that particular duck.

OP I think you’re getting such a hard time on here! Your DH was away for two weeks (!) leaving you to hold the fort with 2 young toddlers. I’m sure you really missed his company as much as his help. I’d be absolutely gutted if my DH came back & didn’t want to use a bit of our child free time to reconnect, emotionally & physically - especially since he’d already had a 2 hour nap. I’d be questioning the relationship in light of this and your other comments. YANBU.

Travelling is really tiring, I would not feel like having sex either.

Ask him to organise a date night for you, at least one, in the coming weeks and tell him you expect to feel loved and appreciated now he is back.

Put the onus back on him to make the effort.

almost all of the time when someone isnt in the mood for sex its NOT about you, its about him.

I feel sorry for women who feel their looks and worth are only attached to people jumping to have sex with them... its not.

A man has just as much right to say no as a woman does and it actually has nothing to do with you, its likely he is just tired or in a lull.

Its wierd adults expect other adults to either be constantly horny or switch it on like a switch, it doesnt work like that and a partner doesnt exist just to please you if your horny.

To arrive home at 8.00 am from France his flight must have been at 6:30 am or so.Then had had to check in and hang around. So he probably got to the airport about 4:30? So got up at 3:30 am?

ld be bloody knackered. I’m not suprised he’s tired. I used to do long trips abroad for work. I hated them. They were knackering. Leave him alone.

He obviously works and travels and you say he also pulls his weight well round the house and with your children plus he lets you sleep in loads. Honestly he sounds like he is tired. In fact possibly exhausting. So maybe he just needs a break or some of the pressure taken off him. Does he need some more lie ins? Could you go away for a weekend with no kids but just for a rest - sex off the agenda and a time of relaxing together instead. Tiredness is a killer to a relationship especially if one party doesn’t see how tired the other is.
Of course only you both will be able to decide how accurate the above might be.

There was a similar thread a few days ago, except this time it was the man wanting sex. The general responses were you (the woman) are entitled to say no. The change of responses here is interesting (but perhaps given the platform - unsurprising). He is in his right to say no. No one should feel forced or coerced into sex. Talk it through with him and let him know how you feel. But if he doesn't want it - then that's also his right. You can suggest going to the GP if his lack of desire worries him (low testosterone?).

It makes a massive difference. It completely changes your OP as it reads as “My DH told me he was tired and went for a nap. I woke him up as I wanted to have sex.”

Rather than “He was tired and went for a nap, asking me to wake him up after a couple of hours, which I did, hoping we could have some fun while the kids were out”

totally different in intent and tone.

Sounds like he needs a holiday......in France!

If this was the other way round and the woman was tired after a trip and man pestering for sex he would be slated by everybody and rightly so. And certainly not accused of having a lover on the trip. Honestly some folk.

@Viviennemary

Completely agree.

If he got home at 8am he just have been at the airport for at least 6am and up at 5am. Of course he’s tired. I don’t think I’d be impressed about being pestered for sex after travelling from crack of Dawn.

DH is always tired. We haven't had sex in months. He pulls his weight around the house but he just has no get up and go. Every time we do something, I'm chivvying him along to get ready.

I think I just feel resentful, disappointed and starting to feel ugly and unattractive. I really missed him when he was away last month but it feels like he just wants to work and sleep.

This is what you should have posted OP. Maybe start again on the Relationships board?

I second posters who suggest a second opinion from a different doctor. He needs to specify his low libido as a concern.

I'd be more interested in letting him rest so he can take the dc out later today and catch up with them and give you a break.

Maybe depression or anemia?

He got home at about 8 this morning. Straight away starts saying he's tired. My parents live nearby and offered to take the children for a few hours after lunch.

If he landed at 8am, take-off was just after 7. That's a 5am wake-up at the latest. Of course he's tired. Stop nagging chivvying him, and talk to him about what you both want from your relationship.

I would one billion percent be napping at that opportunity

He sounds like me when I was becoming unwell. I developed a serious autoimmune disease recently but I was acting like your husband for 5 years prior. It's the prodomal phase of autoimmunity. Doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me either for years. I was called a hypochondriac. Your husband could be in the prodomal phase for some sort of disease.