Husband "too tired" after business trip

[inaplace]

My husband has been away for almost two weeks, so of course I missed him. He was in France, and we live near the airport so not a huge journey or any jet lag.

I've been alone with two toddlers the whole time, plus I work full time, so it has been hard at times but bearable. He runs his own company, so going on this trip wasn't pushed on him by any means.

He got home at about 8 this morning. Straight away starts saying he's tired. My parents live nearby and offered to take the children for a few hours after lunch.

I assumed (my mistake), he would be up for sex, or at least to cuddle and chat for a while.

Straight away, he goes "great, I can have a nap".

I took the dog out and did laundry. That took an hour. I let him sleep another hour. Knowing the children would be home in another hour or so, I woke him up. Ohhh but he's sooo tired, so I left it.

I wouldn't mind if it was a one off but he's always tired. We haven't had sex in months. He pulls his weight around the house but he just has no get up and go. Every time we do something, I'm chivvying him along to get ready.

I think I just feel resentful, disappointed and starting to feel ugly and unattractive. I really missed him when he was away but it feels like he just wants to work and sleep.

If he arrives home at 8am he must have been up half the night and I know I would be feeling like death warmed up. No way would I be up for sex, but a nap would be amazing.

He's either ill or he doesn't find you attractive.

OP, what's standing out for me is that you don't seem concerned for him, just annoyed about the impact on you.

Business trips can be tiring, but he actually doesn't have to justify his tiredness. If he's tired, he's tired. And writing him off as a hypochondriac just because the doctor says there's nothing wrong is a bit short-sighted. As pps have pointed out, there are plenty of conditions (e.g. ME and hypothyroidism, both of which I suffer from myself) for which people tend to get fobbed off by doctors saying there's nothing wrong with them, and it's not always the case.

I get that you've had a lot on your plate and are probably tired too, but tbh I think you could show a little more care and concern for the man you presumably love. And I think your DH needs to press the doctors a little more if his tiredness is ongoing.

Or exhausted from providing for his family.

But men aren't allowed to be tired on MN, are they, as your post has proved?

I've just got back from a week's business trip. I can't stand up without nearly falling over, I'm that tired. I also got driven to and from airport, and fell asleep sitting up in the cab. Fell asleep immediately when I got home and am still feeling like I've been drugged the following morning. This is normal for me. We get some very late nights and very early mornings and takes days to catch up. Would not be interested in even talking to anyone, let alone having sex with them. My partner has been angling to come over and I just can't face it as I'm just utterly wiped out. I don't think he's being unreasonable.

A two week business trip is a very long time, plus a journey starting very early (regardless of how comfortable). I don't do naps, but I certainly wouldn't be raring to go as soon as I come in and up for sex! Give him a break! If he is otherwise helpful around the house when he is there, this sounds a tad needy.

So there's been no sex for months, he keeps busy while the DC's are up, then very tired once they're in bed. Did he travel alone to France or with colleagues?

I think there's a problem somewhere OP, it could be anything, but he's not being honest with you.

Oh you missed a part in your reversal, you know, the part where the man is actually working full time and has been looking after 2 toddlers single handed.

Do you always overlook the contributions women make?

Im guessing this didnt actually happen today as the op said her dh arrived home at 8, slept for two hours before she woke him up etc but was posting on mumsnet at 9:30am...

In fact there are a few holes in the story as the dh arrived at 8, the parents offered to take the children after lunch, which means by the time the dh got his nap after being up in the early hours of the morning he had already spent several hours with his wife and children

Even going to bed at 8 last night, to be arriving home at 8am this morning he must have been up at like 4am to get a flight. It might sound like lots of sleep but its very interrupted/weird timing etc so he might not have slept well.

Business trips can be knackering, you just don't get to switch off. I hate them for this reason!

I think YABU today, in these circumstances. He would have had to get up at 3 am to get to the airport in time, seeing as he was back home by 8 am. Must have been an early flight. It's irrelevant that he went to bed earlier. It's still knackering. I've got a flight in a couple of weeks and have to leave at 3 am. I know that as soon as I get to my destination I'll be knackered and need a few hours sleep.
So today YABU

But it sounds like there's a larger problem here. Leave it a couple of days and then have a proper discussion with him. Something's going on here - either he's unwell (possibly depression) or he's checking out of the marriage or he's possibly seeing someone else.

Completely agree with this - shocked at a lot of replies.

No sex in months would be a dealbreaker for me

So, by your logic, a parent is not 'providing for their family' if the other parent does not work?

Does that then mean that, where both parents work, no-one is providing for their family?

Don't be so dozy.

You have a point @mellicauli

It does seem unusual, particularly with the 4 day national holiday unique to this last weekend.

Your timeline doesn't add up OP.

I've done both sides of this - being away and being at home with the kids. Both are bloody hard work. I'm exhausted whichever one I've done. I dont think a 3 hour sleep was unreasonable. Hopefully you also get a few hours to either catch up on sleep or do something just for you later in the week?

im not quite sure from your post what the complaint is? If it’s that he’s not pulling his weight, or not making you / quality time with you a priority than YANBU.
if it’s that he wouldn’t wake up from his nap to have sex with you after arriving home from a 2 week trip then it’s a huge YABU.
Im not surprised he’s exhausted and needed a nap if he got in this morning at 8am. Getting up at the crack of dawn and taking a flight is exhausting, even if you do sleep on the plane.

He got home at 8am so was probably up at around 5am to catch a flight? If I did that, I'd be exhausted for the rest of the day too and would definitely use the time to sleep.

If someone suggested I was either depressed, unhealthy, having an affair or had a thyroid problem in this situation then I wouldn't be impressed.

@thedancingbear I've read that response about 5 times and it still makes as little sense as the first read. What an earth are you going on about?

OP also provided for her family in those two weeks AND actually looked after the toddlers on her own. Stop this 'poor, hard working man' crap - OP is working hard, too.

IMO the situation the @inaplace describes is just an example of her DH not being up for spending time together, and having sex with her, which of course is an issue.

i think you’re getting a hard time OP as in this particular case, he had the right to be actually tired. Arriving at 8 AM from EU to UK probably means he was up since 4-5 am.

The real issue I’m seeing is that he’s tired on even an ordinary evening, and once your kids are in bed he keeps to himself.

If he’s physical health is in order, I’d look into his mental health, and unfortunately ask him if there’s anyone else. Sounds to me he’s withdrawing emotionally and physically from the relationship for whatever reason.

IMO the situation the @inaplace describes is just an example of her DH not being up for spending time together, and having sex with her, which of course is an issue.

i think you’re getting a hard time OP as in this particular case, he had the right to be actually tired. Arriving at 8 AM from EU to UK probably means he was up since 4-5 am.

The real issue I’m seeing is that he’s tired on even an ordinary evening, and once your kids are in bed he keeps to himself.

If he’s physical health is in order, I’d look into his mental health, and unfortunately ask him if there’s anyone else. Sounds to me he’s withdrawing emotionally and physically from the relationship for whatever reason.

I think you are being very demanding and unreasonable to expect sex at the drop of a hat / trousers, the minute your H comes back off a flight.

What’s wrong with you all needing 3 hour naps and saying it’s normal ?! For a healthy adult it really isn’t. Unless you’re elderly or ill?

20 minute disco nap maybe or when you’re really hungover , but 3 hours plus flat out after a normal night sleep is not normal and it sounds like OP’s DH has got in the habit of sleeping to basically avoid anything else. I have friends who do it - they sleep because they’re bored.

Waking someone when you don't actually need to is quite selfish imo.

@WTF475878237NC op’s husband asked to be woken after 2 hours and then said he had changed his mind

like fuck is it selfish, adults needing half a waking day to nap is weird