Husband "too tired" after business trip

[inaplace]

My husband has been away for almost two weeks, so of course I missed him. He was in France, and we live near the airport so not a huge journey or any jet lag.

I've been alone with two toddlers the whole time, plus I work full time, so it has been hard at times but bearable. He runs his own company, so going on this trip wasn't pushed on him by any means.

He got home at about 8 this morning. Straight away starts saying he's tired. My parents live nearby and offered to take the children for a few hours after lunch.

I assumed (my mistake), he would be up for sex, or at least to cuddle and chat for a while.

Straight away, he goes "great, I can have a nap".

I took the dog out and did laundry. That took an hour. I let him sleep another hour. Knowing the children would be home in another hour or so, I woke him up. Ohhh but he's sooo tired, so I left it.

I wouldn't mind if it was a one off but he's always tired. We haven't had sex in months. He pulls his weight around the house but he just has no get up and go. Every time we do something, I'm chivvying him along to get ready.

I think I just feel resentful, disappointed and starting to feel ugly and unattractive. I really missed him when he was away but it feels like he just wants to work and sleep.

One of the most bonkers threads in a while. So many posters are so blinkered. Anything that deviates from their perceived norm is evidence of illness or an affair. Even something as utterly routine as a business trip that involves working at the weekend.

Also a disturbingly high number of posters who seem to think men are or should be perpetually up for shagging at the drop of a hat and if they're not there's something wrong with them. That's the kind of toxic masculinity stereotype we shouldn't be perpetuating.

In terms of the actual OP, obviously she is unreasonable to expect someone who's just travelled back from a long business trip to be anything other than knackered. You don't always get great sleep in hotels, even good ones; you're working long days; the travel process itself is always tiring. Whenever I get back I actually do want to jump DP's bones immediately because it's been 10 days without him, but I'm simultaneously too exhausted to actually do it!

But there are also obviously larger problems in the relationship that can only be solved with proper communication, so on the off-chance that the OP hasn't been put off this insane thread completely, that would be my advice.

One of the most bonkers threads in a while. So many posters are so blinkered. Anything that deviates from their perceived norm is evidence of illness or an affair.

Agree there are a lot of batshit responses on this thread, but it's not bonkers or blinkered to suggest that ongoing fatigue might signal a medical condition of some kind. OP says her DH is always tired so it's not just down to the business travel. I'd be frustrated too in her shoes, but imho she should be encouraging him to press the doctor to look into his fatigue properly rather than labelling him a hypochondriac over an ongoing issue that could very well be symptomatic.

The amount of people saying OP 'pestered' him for sex, clearly many of them didn't read the post or replies properly. I can see why you would feel slightly rejected, I would feel the same. And he may be tired but I can imagine you were tired after two weeks of holding it all down by yourself x

OP you say people are making too many assumptions but your whole comes across as off. You sound really, really angry at your DH. What else have you got going on in your own life? Is there something that is making you feel frustrated? I mean apart from your DH? Why are you so cross at him? Why is a work trip any less important because it’s his own business and his own choice? Have you ever run your own business? Do you understand the drive and energy it takes? The responsibility of having staff, customers and a family who rely on you? To me you sound a bit spoilt.

@peoniesarejustperfect The OP is 'spoilt' because she wants a basic marriage and communication with her husband! Christ......

Apologies I have not read the entire thread, but on the original post situation I think you’re right to be a bit miffed OP.

After an extended period away I’d expect sex to at least be offered almost straight away. It’s important to keep the relationship as fresh as possible and Understand he might be a bit knackered but it would be the polite thing for him to do. You could suggest doing most of the work (regarding sex) yourself if that helped him get across the line that one time.

Time for a chat with him about expectations regarding sex I suggest.

WTAF did I just read.

Not only THAT, but she even expects to get her sexual and emotional needs met! How dare she?

Burn the witch!!

Surely it’s satire ?

@Tandora oh I bloody hope so! It’s too close to some of the 100% serious posts here for me to tell.

Sorry not satire, just common sense. You need to get into the real world rather than an idealised MN one. I’m not sure what you find so unreasonable anyway…expecting that my husband should make a bit of an effort after a long time away doesn’t seem outrageous.

Omg it’s not 😮😮😮😮😮. Joining you- wtf have I just read!?

And the outrageous part of my post is what exactly?

So your husband got in from a flight, told you he was tied, went to sleep, you woke him up to have sex with him, abs now you’re complaining that you’ve been hard done by?! If this was the other way round, and a man was waking a woman up from her nap for sex, we’d all be disgusted with him.

I think it’s reasonable to expect him to make a bit of an effort in the trouser dept after a long separation if I indicated interest. Yes. I do. Really. Savvy? He’s a man for goodness sake and this is my expectation. If he told me to bugger off because he was very very tired I’d say fine but would feel a bit miffed and would probably find some way to get back at him. That’s why I said to OP that I think it’s reasonable to be a bit miffed. That’s it really. Pretty simple.

So cue the avalanche of hysterical comments about “what if it was the other way round”. Well my view is that men an women are different so I have no problem answering it. But the “everything is the same brigade” might struggle with my view.

Expecting someone to have sex with you even if they are too tired and being miffed and 'getting back at him' if he doesnt is essentially coercing him in sex ie sexual assault. You know in the real world where men actually have thoughts and feeling and arent just sex machines

I feel very very sorry for your husband/partner if you have one

Sounds like he’s tired from working hard and being jet lagged. Takes some days to get over. Stop being dramatic.

Jet lag from France?

Oh for goodness sake. This is Pious righteous indignation. Sexual assault indeed. I’d poke him in the ribs and ask him if he wanted to shag me. If he moaned he was tired I’d ask if he wanted me to blow him first then do all the work. Do you expect him to call the police? You lot really are miserable human beings.

@DontBlameMe79

So men are expected to have sex when they don’t want to because “men and women are different” but if women are expected to have sex when they don’t want to it’s a crime because “men and women are different”? Convenient.

But don’t “men have needs” because they’re different sexually too? So do you keep the same “men and women are different” energy up for that and expect women to cater to that?

@SmartCarDriver

Well going to the airport is a drag too, especially since covid

Yes I do maintain we are different and it’s up to us to get what we want, not cater to men if we don’t want to. It doesn’t mean it has to be the same in reverse. It’s about self confidence and standing our ground.

This everything must be the same between men and women seems to have been the most successful gaslighting project in history.

Why's that then? What's different currently at airports than pre covid?

@inaplace if you had said you wanted him to collect the kids from school, you would've get lots of different reactions! You must realise women shouldn't like or want sex! Especially women with children.