Husband "too tired" after business trip

[inaplace]

My husband has been away for almost two weeks, so of course I missed him. He was in France, and we live near the airport so not a huge journey or any jet lag.

I've been alone with two toddlers the whole time, plus I work full time, so it has been hard at times but bearable. He runs his own company, so going on this trip wasn't pushed on him by any means.

He got home at about 8 this morning. Straight away starts saying he's tired. My parents live nearby and offered to take the children for a few hours after lunch.

I assumed (my mistake), he would be up for sex, or at least to cuddle and chat for a while.

Straight away, he goes "great, I can have a nap".

I took the dog out and did laundry. That took an hour. I let him sleep another hour. Knowing the children would be home in another hour or so, I woke him up. Ohhh but he's sooo tired, so I left it.

I wouldn't mind if it was a one off but he's always tired. We haven't had sex in months. He pulls his weight around the house but he just has no get up and go. Every time we do something, I'm chivvying him along to get ready.

I think I just feel resentful, disappointed and starting to feel ugly and unattractive. I really missed him when he was away but it feels like he just wants to work and sleep.

You had the expectation of sex, because you said this...
I assumed (my mistake), he would be up for sex, or at least to cuddle and chat for a while.

That's why you are disappointed and feel resentful .

It seems a bit of a leap to say you feel unattractive if your H doesn't jump on you the moment he's home after a work trip. I wonder how he slept on the plane as a flight from France is only 1-1.5 hrs.

As hard as it is to believe in, cheating partners have got an amazing ability to find the time and place to cheat. You say you drop in unannounced at his work, but he knows that and if I was him and was having an affair, I’d make sure it doesn’t happens at work.

If you’re confident he is not having an affair then I don’t mean to make you paranoid, but just because you show up at his work doesn't mean he hasn’t got the opportunity to cheat elsewhere.

The real issue I’m seeing is that he’s tired on even an ordinary evening

Exactly the OP says he is either working or sleeping, although she assumed that it is because it is “all he wants to do” which may not be the case as he has been saying since the start that he feels tired. And his behaviour reflects he really is tired what with going to bed at 8pm and actually sleeping heavily when he’s having a nap.

That’s why many of us are suggesting look to see if there is a medical reason for the tiredness. It’s not because he wasn’t up for sex immediately after arriving home from a business trip.

You are missing the bit where he was probably up around 3:30am to get to the airport, not really a 'normal nights sleep'

@jaffacakesareepic he was in bed at 8pm? Yes 5.5 hours isn’t loads of sleep but with toddlers who regularly gets loads more than that and needs a 3 hour top up?! Maybe 20 mins shut eye after dinner on the sofa might be needed but 3 whole hours or more as soon as his kids get picked up for the afternoon and his wife has been running around for two weeks and has shit to do? Glad my partner isn’t so sloth like !

How long IS the flight to France??

Op it does read like he walked in, you suggested sex, then yopu woke him up and suggested sex. Fair enough not what you meant. But that does lead to does he know you want more sex? Because it IS ok to ask fro that and can be done without being a sex pest.

sounds like its part of a bigger picture of him neglecting you/you feeling neglected. Youre getting no real intimacy. That does get to you after a while. I can imagine him coming back after weeks away and you missing him, that was brought sharply into focus.
Its a horrible feeling OP.
I remember how I felt when my ex husband never wanted sex. Really affected my self esteem and self worth to be rejected so much.
I think your husband took that nap strategically to avoid both sex and any awkward conversations around it. Thats not saying anyone should be having sex they dont want to have, but obviously in a monogamous relationship where you arent getting your needs met by the person youve agreed is the exclusive one to meet those needs, it does become an issue eventually.

I'm not sure he is a hypochondriac. I reckon he is pretty worried and trying to hang on in there without something dramatic.

I've had health issues for about 6 years. Sometimes they dominate everything and all I can do is have tunnel vision of work - sleep - minimal other 'overwhelm' that would suck even more energy. Had a few investigations, but no help resulting from those. They may not be serious, but they feel like they are, and this gives a big side slice of anxiety that in itself is exhausting.

You might be in a resentment tug-of-war though. The same period at home with small children is no picnic, so you may both have very little in the tank.

I have this exact problem. My DH is in the Police so you can imagine his shifts. It's got to the stage that I don't try now an when he does I say no.

He started taking vitamin D tablets due to tiredness an it has worked to wake him up. However our sex life isn't the best. We both need to lake an effort. But we stopped with the pressure and its been nice to just be us without all the anxiety.

Now we both want to have sex again. It's just been misunderstanding, shifts, stress and anxiety not because we don't fancy each other.

But no one except the H knows what time he went to bed!

I'm not suggesting he was lying or there is a reason for suspicion but the OP seems to think she knows his exact movements when he's out of the country.

And getting bogged down with this is just silly.

He's been working hard for 2 weeks.

I assume he works hard as it's his own company!

My H used to travel all over the world. When he got home, all he wanted to do was relax for a while and I wouldn't have dreamt of assuming sex after a measly two weeks away or being offended if he didn't jump on me.

In bed at 8 doesnt mean asleep at 8, its possible he had a terrible night sleep, certainly not one i would class as normal. If i had to get up at 3:30am its highly unlikely i would actually sleep at all as i frequently dont fall asleep until between 1-3am

The op took the dog out and did some laundry, she doesnt sound overworked and she already said he pulls his weight

The problem appears to be that he sees to his share of housework and childcare, holds down a decent job but has forgotten his wife in all of this. I dont think the issue is taking a nap after getting up in the middle of the night to catch a flight, which is not abnormal behaviour

He's not attracted to the OP! Simple as that.

I’m a healthy adult and if I’d arrived home at 8am after a early flight, even just a short one, I’d be tired too. I wouldn’t need a nap but if there was an opportunity to take one I’d be very glad of the rest. My husband would let me take it and wouldn’t be miffed that I wasn’t up for a chat and/or sex at that time in the morning.

It sounds like it isn’t really about this particular morning though, you feel like he’s a bit lacklustre with you in general. So you should definitely have a chat about that, but I wouldn’t lead with this morning as an example because in that particular instance I don’t think he was really out of order at all.

I can’t understand some of the replies. It’s not as though he was on a transatlantic flight and is adjusting to a time difference. He hasn’t seen his wife and children in two weeks, she’s been working and looking after them on her own while he’s been away and he wants three hours in bed when he comes home?? Something is not right here!

I think you need to talk OP.

Maybe it's his hormones and the male menopause. If he's knackered all the time that could be it and his hormone levels could still be 'normal range' but a big drop for him so wouldn't flag up in rests. Hormone replacement, gym, testosterone supps, etc? Might really help. Is he late 40s or so, OP?

My husband gets so easily tired and exhausted all the time and it can be quite frustrating. If he even loses a hour off his sleep at night, he is soo tired, and itnia a big deal. By 7:30pm every night (he works 9-5) his eyes are drooping. He has been checked out by gp for any issues like anaemia, thyroid, etc and all fine. He tends to be a bit of a hypochondriac at times too, and any tests have all come back clear so I think it's more mental health connected. Is your husband anxious at all? Mine has anxiety so I think it might just be due to all the extra worrying and mental pressure he puts on himself.

I think your husband sounds quite similar to mine so I can empathise. I am guessing if you raise it with him, he'll only get defensive. Mine says "am I not allowed to be tired?". Er, yeah of course he is, but just not all the time (for no reason), and be so badly affected by a slightly busier day than normal or some less sleep.

I don't know what happened, my post seems to have the last line erased. I meant to say at the end of my post, that you need to have another word with him about it. Ask him if he is feeling ok, tiredness aside.

No one lives close enough to an airport to be walking in the door at 8am after a flight from France. The first plane to land is 0735 (Heathrow, Gatwick). And the rest of your timeline makes no sense regardless - somewhere along the way 3-4 hours have been lost.

In the unlikely event this isn't a troll post, the hypothyroid call made by a couple of people earlier in the thread is a good one. Symptoms in men include fatigue, loss of motivation, loss of libido and ED. It's frequently labelled by others as hypochondria and is notorious for delayed diagnosis. It's more frequent in women than men, and as a consequence may not even be checked for without a family history.

There will have been a period of time with no trips abroad. Are they really necessary is the question I would ask? Spending time in hotels, different beds, rooms etc, can take it out on anyone.

Some posters need to get a grip.

Armchair medics diagnosing thyroid issues on the basis of a company director wanting a nap after an early morning flight.

How ridiculous is that.

And as for poster going on about the 'earliest flight' arriving in the UK- so you have looked at every single airport UK and incoming flights did you?

If this was a woman posting, just imagine the replies!
"I've just come home from 2 weeks overseas, had an early flight ( arrived home at 8-ish having got up at 5am), I fancied a quick kip, and the DH was waking me up. I think she fancied sex, but I'm not in the mood at the moment. AIBU"

So what would the responses be to that? 🤔

@inaplace The real issue is you have not had sex for months.

You clearly hoped that after 2 weeks away your Dh would 'reboot' his libido and fancy sex when he arrived home.

But that's a bit unrealistic, surely? If he's not wanting it when you have all the time in the world after the DCs are in bed, why would he feel like it after an early morning flight?

The flight times is a red herring.

Have you tried talking to him about lack of sex and how unhappy you are?

A far more believable reason is he's shagged having been shagged!

I haven't rtfs but totally sympathise with you OP, all my husband does is sleep or moan about being tired, yawn, groan and otherwise bleat about the place.

That's the second spite-loaded post from you, to a woman who is posting for support. You have zero knowledge of OP's relationship but you're keen to put the boot in. Sad.

Hey just reading this post and for everyone thinking she's being unreasonable or pestering him for sex .. take a step back. From what I have read I feel you need some comfort from your husband. You are obviously feeling like something isn't right between you both. It's not about sex all the time but more you are craving intimacy. There's no obvious reason to suggest why he could be "too tired" as the part that really gets me is when you are saying you both barely speak to each other. That's what I think the problem is here. You aren't communicating enough. If I was you I wouldn't ignore the signs telling me something is wrong and have a discussion with him. If its making you feel uneasy then you have every right to approach him. It could be well nothing but then again I always say if you have a vibe don't ignore it.