Told him how I feel and he has not responded

Cantthinkofaname24 · 2022-05-19T08:36:25+00:00

I have been dating a man for a while and I’ve told him that I have developed feelings. I just wanted to get it off my chest to him how I feel. He read the message late last night and has not replied. Now my anxiety is kicking in and I think I may of ruined things. What would you do?

AntarcticTern · 19/05/2022 09:39

Well, it's not a great sign that he hasn't replied, but I think you did the right thing (although maybe would have been better face to face rather than by text). If you've been dating for a while it's fair enough to want to move to the next step, better to ask and find out now if he doesn't see you that way.

TomAllenWife · 19/05/2022 09:40

How long is a while?

To be honest I think it doesn't matter when you have sex or when you have feelings because if it's right and they feel the same it all works out

It wouldn't matter if you told him last night or in 3 months, he's either feeling it or he's not

rea2022x · 19/05/2022 09:42

Did the right thing by telling him and being honest. Although face to face would've been better. If he doesn't feel the same way for some reason, least you know now and can move on xxx

lisavanderpumpscloset · 19/05/2022 09:42

Or it may just be he's taking his time to respond because he wants to say the right thing in the right way. What would I do? I'd wait. Distract yourself. Don't msg him or call. If you haven't heard back by the weekend, check in to see if all ok, if still no response then you have your answer

Baconandmaplesyrup · 19/05/2022 09:46

How long is a while? I have to be honest, why did you text it and not tell him to his face?

orwellwasright · 19/05/2022 09:54

Urgh. We have such an ingrained culture of women not being upfront about their feelings or needs in a relationship because that makes us 'needy' or demanding and we'll scare off the poor, ickle frightened man.

If your relationship can be ruined by honesty and candour then it's not one worth keeping.

Quick caveat: declarations of undying love after 48 hours are probably a bit much 😄

nearlyspringyay · 19/05/2022 09:56

How long is a while?

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/05/2022 09:56

You haven’t ruined anything. You spoke the truth and now you can act in response to his behaviour. If he doesn’t have feelings you can move on and not risk getting in deeper/hurting yourself further.

CandyApplePie · 19/05/2022 09:58

Have you been dating or is it fwb/causal? Just want to check as there are a lot of women who develop feelings for fwb situations, which might be why he hasn’t responded if he doesn’t feel the same, if it is casual then I don’t think you need to do it face to face, text is fine.

KyaClark · 19/05/2022 10:01

If he can't even respond to you pouring your heart out, is he really worth it?

Baconandmaplesyrup · 19/05/2022 10:05

orwellwasright · 19/05/2022 09:54

Urgh. We have such an ingrained culture of women not being upfront about their feelings or needs in a relationship because that makes us 'needy' or demanding and we'll scare off the poor, ickle frightened man.

If your relationship can be ruined by honesty and candour then it's not one worth keeping.

Quick caveat: declarations of undying love after 48 hours are probably a bit much 😄

Yeah. Not sure about this, I don’t think this is about gender, but more about how long they have dated, the type of relationship and why she felt the need to text it and couldn’t do it face to face or on the phone.

Suprima · 19/05/2022 10:12

Are you actually dating or just shagging?

Calphurnia88 · 19/05/2022 10:13

A lot depends on how long 'a while' is and what was in the message.

Personally I think conversations like these are better face to face, or at the very least on the phone, vs. text. By nature of the medium, text messages declaring your feelings for someone can come across as intense and overwhelming (I have been on the receiving end and found it off-putting). Is there any reason you chose to communicate like this rather than in person, where you can have a real conversation?

Original poster

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 10:41

Yes probably wasn’t wise of me to do it over text. I have anxiety so find it out to speak about my feelings and was worried about what his reaction would be. We are dating but there hasn’t been any proper chat. Around 4 months now but we spoke for quite a while before we actually met up with each other. I kind of wish I hadn’t sent it now. He has been very affectionate towards me recently though

OP posts:

MrsBlaue · 19/05/2022 10:42

That’s more to the point. Whichever it is, he obviously doesn’t feel the same and you can now stop wasting your time and move on.

ElenaSt · 19/05/2022 10:47

In four months he would have known about your anxiety and perhaps why you expressed your feelings by text instead of in person so I think it's a bit cruel that he didn't give you any kind of a reply.

If he doesn't feel the same he could have just replied with a 'Thank you, that is very sweet of you.'

Justcallmebebes · 19/05/2022 10:50

Send him another saying "oops sorry, sent to wrong person"?

Calphurnia88 · 19/05/2022 10:54

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 10:41

Yes probably wasn’t wise of me to do it over text. I have anxiety so find it out to speak about my feelings and was worried about what his reaction would be. We are dating but there hasn’t been any proper chat. Around 4 months now but we spoke for quite a while before we actually met up with each other. I kind of wish I hadn’t sent it now. He has been very affectionate towards me recently though

What's done is done.

Is there anything in your message that requires a response i.e. is it a 'where is this going?' type message? Or just a declaration of your feelings?

Is he usually quick to reply to messages or is it normal for him to be less available during the day?

Original poster

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 11:15

Thank you all. Yes he does know about my anxiety

@Calphurnia88 just a declaration really. I didn’t ask how he felt. It isn’t unusual for him not to replying during the day at work. He does long motorway driving as he does jobs across the country. He was up at 3am this morning to set off

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 11:20

I will await a reply and update but I am trying not to obsess over it. At least I will know where I stand if he does not respond.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 11:21

He has said to me before that he is open and honest and that I can be too so I don’t understand

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 19/05/2022 11:23

Maybe he needs a bit of time to process it and formulate the answer he wants to give? I would. I loathe the current expectation that everything requires an instant response.

CruCru · 19/05/2022 11:25

Honestly? I know it's hard but please try to put it out of your mind for the time being. If this man had to be up at 3am then chances are that he hasn't had a chance to give much thought as to how to respond. If I were in his position, I'd want to respond to you face to face (but I only use text for factual stuff).

SeedyBloomer · 19/05/2022 11:26

no matter how busy he is, once he read your text it would take under ten seconds to reply ‘chat later x’ or some other basic acknowledgment. Everyone knows that to not reply at all to a text like that will fuck with the other person’s head, and he knows you have anxiety. Regardless of whether he’s into you or not, he’s certainly not sensitive.

Calphurnia88 · 19/05/2022 11:39

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 11:15

Thank you all. Yes he does know about my anxiety

@Calphurnia88 just a declaration really. I didn’t ask how he felt. It isn’t unusual for him not to replying during the day at work. He does long motorway driving as he does jobs across the country. He was up at 3am this morning to set off

In that case I would try not to overthink too much, as hard as that might be.

Ideally he would have at least sent something to acknowledge the message, but in the same way you have your own communication style, he will have his too, and as you yourself have said, text isn't the best medium for this sort of conversation.

If you haven't heard anything from him today within the timeframe you would normally expect to, I would send a message asking how his day was. Assuming he replies, if he still doesn't acknowledge the message I would be tempted to say something along the lines of 'I thought I might have scared you off with my message yesterday!' to get a sense of his reaction (also it's otherwise a bit of an elephant in the room) but I wouldn't be too offended if he doesn't want to get into an emotional back and forth via text message.

This is completely anecdotal, but in my experience men don't particularly engage well in these types of conversations (especially if out of the blue) but it isn't normally a reflection of how invested they are in the relationship.